Surviving the Burdens of Love
by tarskeewee
Summary: After a year long seperation John and Evangeline struggle to make their way without each other. Then a string of unexpected events throw them back together in a surprising way and working together is the only way to deal with burdens of love.
1. Chapter 1

**The Burden of Love: Life after Love Revised**

by tarskeewee08

"Wow you can't be serious Nora, they eloped?" Evangeline said smiling in the phone moving around her papers on her desk. She just couldn't believe it.  
"They sure did. Surprised every one in town…."

It had been over a year since she left Llanview. She kept in contact with Nora for the latest gossip and updates on her wild little sister, Llanview and the people there will always have a special place in her heart.

After the release of Christian Vega she was consumed by Todd Manning's case, the harder she fought for him the more impossible his plight became. When she lost the case she was devastated. Todd is now serving a life sentence in prison for something he didn't do and she felt like a failure. The only bright spot was Nora came out of her coma and she was able to help with her recovery.

Focusing her energy on her friend's health and shying away from her personal life was her way of escaping. So many things had happened in her life and she was so jaded from it all. She basically moved into Nora's. Playing mom to Mathew to make sure his needs were taken care of and helping Nora with her short term memory exercises per doctor orders, were her new life and she enjoyed it. Nora was still a little sluggish from her partial paralysis on her left side but within four months her best friend was good as new. It was as if somebody needed her and she could really help, she felt useful.

She saw John less and less. He was in the middle of his battles over his Christian involvement. Suspended from the station and spurned by Natalie he turned to alcohol to drown his demons. Michael even showed up to Nora's asking her to help. God she wanted too so bad. She loved that man with every fiber in her being, but she couldn't. It was beyond her and she was so tired of the empty feeling of not being loved in return. From what she learned from Bo's visit the force forced him into counseling, which he did for awhile but they were worried that he would stop going. Well she wished him well.

Then she got a call from her college roommate and childhood best friend that she was starting a practice in Chicago. Evangeline was considering leaving law altogether after Todd's case but her friend told her it was an opportunity to get her hands and feet dirty with cases that were usually ignored by the legal system. It was her turn to give back to the community and right some of the wrongs heaped upon people that didn't have a fighter in their corner. The offer was tempting.

Sitting on the deck with Nora a month before she left they discussed it.

_  
Nora reached for her glass of tea on the lawn table and Evangeline noticed the slight tremble of her hand. Sitting up she reached to grab it for her but her friend snapped at her. "I can do it!"_

Evangeline looked at her and smiled, with each day that passed Nora was coming back in full force. She loved it!

The side of her head where it was shaved for her brain surgery was healing nicely. Her red vibrant hair was growing back and covering most of that wound. She wore a thin pink cotton pair of sleep shorts and a pink spaghetti strap t-shirt, that revealed how nicely tanned her arms and neck were from their afternoon rituals of lounging in the sun.

Nora drank some of her tea and looked down as she wiggled her toes. Evangeline had given them both pedicures and Nora wanted hot pink polish, something she rarely wore. She told her friend it was as far as a walk on the wild side she could take with this slow recovery process.

"Well are you going to take it?" Nora asked with a raised eyebrow.

Evangeline sat back in her chair sighing. She had her hair up in a ponytail and no make up. Her silver hoop earrings swayed against her neck as she shook her head no. "I can't move to Chicago, what about…"

Nora waited for her to say more and Evangeline's voice just trailed off. She looked back at her friend and smiled "Guess I have no more what abouts hunh?"

"Nope…you're fresh out." Nora said winking at her.

Evangeline looked down at her pink toes. She was different now. Her pain over the loss of her man was all but gone. She accepted that John and her just weren't meant to be. She no longer believed in the justice system with the wrongful incarceration of Todd and Christian. Now she just didn't know what she wanted out of life.

"Listen to me sweetie" Nora said putting down her glass. "You know I love you and I would hate to see you go. But you loved practicing law. I have watched you hide here for months, avoiding this town and your life. Its time to reclaim it. To be the woman you were destined to be."

"I guess you have a point" Evangeline said pulling her darkly tanned legs up to her chest. She wore a peach short set with matching flip flops while enjoying the spring sun. Looking out across Nora's lawn she thought about the town of Llanview. So much had happened to her here. She made the best friend in the world and had a love affair of a life time. She'd gained and lost a lot but she lived…she lived more in these past four years than she lived her entire life. Smiling she made up her mind to live again. If that meant Chicago then so be it. 

"When you see Marcie you tell her I said good for her!"  
Nora laughed "I will and I will tell Michael too"   
"Well kiss Mathew for me." She said closing the last file for the day.  
"You take care sweetie, talk to you again next week. Love you"  
"I love you too Nora" she said hanging up.

Charlotte came charging in the office before Evangeline could hang the phone up completely "Have you read this?" she said tossing the paper onto her desk.

Evangeline frowned and picked it up. The byline stated that a young sixteen year-old African American boy was arrested in the cop-killer crimes that were terrorizing the south side of Chicago. Evangeline stared at the face of Cletus Jones and her chest tightened. She and Charlotte had defended Cletus only six months ago on armed robbery charges that he was unjustly accused of. Now this?

"What on earth is going on?" Evangeline mumbled  
"Its that damn Police Superintendent Barnaby that's doing this. He has been gunning for this kid since we got Cletus off and made that station look like the joke it is!"   
"Charlotte…"  
"No Van! We promised his grandmother we would help him. Cletus would not be killing cops, it's not something he would do!"  
"How do you know this? I mean the other cops were all killed at the scene of robberies and breaking and entering…."

Charlotte put her hands on her hips and glared at Evangeline. She was a medium pecan brown petite woman. Her hair jet black was cut into a low short cropped style with tiny precision curls that faded into a closely shaven look on the side. She had green eyes and for her skin complexion it was a striking contrast. 

Everyday she came in polished in the most expensive suits with manicured nails and prefect makeup and you'd think of her as some prissy uptown attorney consumed by her own material value. Well don't be fooled….inside she was a tigress and her only mission in the world is to help those she feels the justice system wiped their feet on. It was now Evangeline's mission as well.

Charlotte stop glaring and began to pace in front of her in a navy suit with a light blue silk blouse draped outward. Putting her hand on her hip Evangeline watched her contemplate what she said. There could be a possibility that Cletus was responsible, could they risk another case where the client was just using their talents to side step the law? 

They were both living off their savings to make this practice work and the strain was beginning to seep through. Having left extremely profitable law careers to start this practice was a daunting task. Instead of enjoying the vibrant social scene of Chicago they put in over 60 hours each a week building a new reputation for themselves. Charlotte stopped pacing and fixed her green eyes on her friend. "He's innocent Van! We're taking this case!"

Evangeline shook her head "You take the case…I need to find something that will bring money in this door!" 

Charlotte narrowed her eyes on her "Money? We started this practice to help those that can't help themselves!"  
"We need paying clients Charlotte!"  
"We need to fight against pigs like Barnaby that want to pin inadequate cop work on innocent urban kids"

Evangeline sighed "What do you want me to do?"  
"I want you to go down to that station and find us a way to help Cletus. You are much better at that than me Van, I go down there and I swear to god…."

Evangeline saw her face darken with anger. She loved her deeply but Charlotte was ruled by her emotions. Although she was a brilliant attorney her irrational outburst and quick temper caused her to loose focus quick making her victories even harder to obtain.

She became obsessed when working at her firm she took on a case of a wealthy landowner accused of raping his maids 10 year old daughter. The county had a sorry district attorney that even put the child on the stand humiliating her. Charlotte had to tear apart the child's testimony and she felt like a monster. But the worst of it was after winning the case the 10 year old took a bottle of her mom's sleeping pills and ended her life. That little girl's ghost followed Charlotte around wherever she went.

"I'll go tomorrow!" Evangeline said giving up.  
"No!" Charlotte snapped "I spoke to his grandmother and she's in a real state of panic. Please! Go see that damn chief and make him tell you why he picked Cletus up!"

"Oh good grief! Fine! But this is your case Charlotte….I have a client coming in tomorrow for a malpractice case and I want to take it. Are we clear?"

Charlotte flashed her pearly white smile "Crystal"

"John come in…"

John walked in with his hands in his pockets. Looking around the office at all the accommodations he smiled. On the shelf where pictures of family members and fishing trips, he also saw the picture of Jacob and his dad on one of their fishing trips back in Atlantic City. He walked over to it and picked it up.

"What brings you to Chicago?" Jacob Barnaby asked walking around his desk.

John lowered the picture to the shelf and smiled. "You can call it therapy"  
Jacob looked at his best friend's son and frowned. John stood there in a black suit and white shirt. He looked every bit of his dad except for the eyes. His blue eyes were dark and guarded. He could tell something was wrong.

John noticed the look of concern and ignored it. He had been through a lot but the last year was the toughest. Therapy revealed how compulsively self destructive he was. Who knew? The time spent on dealing with his fathers death alone led to a mental breakdown so profound he took to his bed through the depression; he retreated inward and pushed everyone around him away. Now he had to fix himself and that meant facing what happened to his father.

His therapist acknowledged that most would tell you to just forget and move on. After going through John's dilemmas he determined the exact opposite was needed in his case. John would only be able to heal if he channeled that energy toward closure. He was to face and resolve what happened to his father. Why he found him outside of their house after school shot in the chest on their driveway dieing with his mom at work. Who killed his dad and why were questions he needed answers to. He walked into his therapist office and told him he was going in search of his answers.

He then proceeded to spend the past year working the cold case of his father's death and actually uncovered a name, _Ryan O'Reilly_. He was responsible for a rash of robberies during that time and it was suspected that he was doing the cop killings his dad and Jacob were investigating but never proven. Now he traced O'Reilly here and he wanted to get the Chicago PD to open to help him find the bastard.

Taking a seat he smiled "How's Mary?" John asked about Jacob's daughter who was Mike's age.

"Mary's great, she's married with two kids"  
John smiled "That's wonderful"  
"Are you married Johnny?" Jacob asked

John clenched his jaw. It was a painful question. The pain over loosing Evangeline still felt raw after all this time. He didn't know where she was and didn't ask, he had hurt her so badly and in so many ways that he was determined to stay out of her life so she could find happiness elsewhere.

Funny how therapy helped him see his motivation in keeping the woman he loved at bay and holding onto the woman he didn't. Now he was forced to deal with the fact that love wasn't an option and that worked for him. But when he heard the question, "Are you married?" or "Do you have someone special in your life" it picked at the scab on is heart for the loss of Evangeline.

"Nope not married" he said dryly.  
"We got word from Eve that Mikey eloped" Barnaby said smiling  
John nodded and said nothing. He and Mikey weren't exactly close anymore. To be honest he wasn't close to anyone. He was working those issues out in therapy before he dropped the sessions. Why he kept everyone at arms length. But he was happy for his brother and called him the other day and wished him congratulations.

"Well what brings you to the windy city?" Barnaby asked  
"Dad"  
Jacob leaned back in his chair and looked at John shocked "What?"  
"I want you to reopen Dad's case"  
"I don't…"  
"I need you to reopen it and let me assist on working it."

Jacob ran his hand through his silver gray short hair. He was in his late fifties and stood at around six feet. Skin pale and stomach round, he looked like a man school principal rather than Superintendent and cop that he was for over 30 years. "Aren't you employed with the LPD?"

John rose from the chair and walked over to the far right side of his office to see the downtown busy street below. "I was suspended and subsequently quit."

"Your mom never said…"  
John turned and looked at him "Doesn't matter, mom doesn't know and Mikey was told not to tell."

"Johnny what's going on with you?"  
"I need a job….and the first case I want is my dad's"  
"That's a case in NJ I can't reopen it here!" Jacob said frustrated.  
John turned back to the window. "Ryan O'Reilly is here…I read where you guys are dealing with a cop killer. I think we should look into it"

Jacob stared at John's back. "Son, Ryan O'Reilly is not our killer we made an arrest already…."

"I saw that in the paper…" John said not turning around  
"Look Johnny, the job I can do…but this cold case "  
John looked over his shoulder "You owe my dad justice. I want to bury my ghosts Jacob and the only way to do that is to bury the SOB that killed my father."

Before he could say more his office door opened and Evangeline walked through "Chief Barnaby we need to talk!"

John turned around shocked at the sight of her. She was wearing a grey suit with a bone colored blouse and pumps. Her hair swaying across her shoulders as she breezed in with her briefcase she looked as beautiful as she did the last day he saw her. He couldn't comprehend her being there. She glared at his dad's friend and would actually have to turn her head to see him. Dropping her briefcase in the chair in front of her she put a hand on her hip and tilted her head in the way she does whenever she wants to challenge someone. "What is it you have against Cletus Jones?"

Jacob glared up at her "How dare you walk into my office and interrupt a meeting!" he snapped. 

Evangeline folded her arms "What meeting?" she shot back looking around. Her peripheral vision catching a figure to her right causing her to turn her head. When she looked into his penetrating blue eyes she literally jumped out of her skin. She and John remained frozen for several minutes and Jacob frowned at them.

Evangeline reached in front of her and grabbed her briefcase never dropping her gaze from John. "I…um…I"

John smiled at her "Hello Evangeline"  
Pulling her briefcase she backed up "I'm sorry that I interrupted" she mumbled and turned making a hasty exit out of the office.

John didn't bother to stop her but he stared at the door as it closed. Jacob looked at him stunned. "I have never seen anyone make her shut the hell up!" he said chuckling.

John flashed him angry look and Jacob realized this was personal "You know Evangeline Williamson?"

Ignoring the question he asked one of his own "She practices law here?"  
Jacob nodded "Her and that quick tempered partner are the bain of my existence."  
Looking back at the door John could see her fleeing out of it and wondered what she thought of finding him here. Maybe he should have gone after her? Shaking his head he dismissed it. She's probably happy with someone new and he would do nothing to disturb that.

Turning he looked at Jacob "Now about that job?"

Evangeline literally twisted her ankle racing down the front steps of the station out onto Clark Street where her car was parked. She felt like an idiot for running the way she did but all she wanted to do was escape to the safety of her car. Using her keyless remote she unlocked the black Mercedes and got in before she'd even thrown in her brief case. Tossing it to the side she closed the door and let out the breath she was holding.

"Why is hr here?" she mumbled  
"What is he doing here!" she said aloud.

Looking back at the station she frowned. He didn't chase or even try to stop her. He wasn't here for her. God even now she entertained the thought that he would come for her. Starting the car she leaned back in her seat and shivered. Pushing in her a/c button she let the warm blast from the vents blow the sweat from her brow. She never thought she would see him again. 

He barely crossed her mind….except when people would ask "Why don't you have someone special in your life?" that dreaded question always reminded her of him. Her cell phone buzzed in her briefcase and she came out of it. Reaching she saw it was Charlotte.

"Hey…"  
"Char….I couldn't do it Barnaby wasn't there" she said lying. Charlotte knew of John from what she read in the papers on her kidnapping and they had an unspoken rule not to discuss their pain. She ignored the way Evangeline pushed male suitors away and Evangeline ignored the way she carried 10 year old ghost with her.

"Well can you go first thing in the morning?"  
"Char…you will have to do this sweetie. I just can't take it on"

Charlotte got quiet. "I got a lead. I spoke to his grandma and just left from over there. She told me that Cletus was working for this O'Reilly character and that she thinks he's the reason he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I plan to go and check it out"

"Okay….well call me tonight. I will assist all I can but you will have to talk to Barnaby on your own"  
"Are you okay Van?"

Evangeline looked over at the precinct again. She saw John walk out of the front. He couldn't see her watching him from her car and she was grateful for that. Not much had changed but the way his hair lightly blew on his shoulders and that strong brooding jawline made her stomach flip. Grabbing the steering wheel tightly she stared at him holding her breath.

The evening breeze blew at the hem of his jacket as he walked down the steps with his hands in his pockets. He seemed different. She watched him walk to a parked car on the street, his face expressionless he soon disappeared inside. Why was he here? Of all places Chicago?

"Van! Do you hear me!"  
"Oh Char I'm sorry sweetie. Yes I'm okay"  
"Okay….I will call you in the morning."

Evangeline hung up without saying bye. She watched him pull onto Clark St and drive away. Whatever the reason was for him being here she would not deal with it. They were over and they both preferred it that way. Pulling from the curb she drove off in the opposite direction.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Burden of Love: Ryan O'Rielly Revised**

by tarskeewee08

Stepping out of her black on black Land Rover into the cool evening breeze Charlotte closed the door and pulled her black cashmere three quarter inch coat closed. Shivering she rubbed her gloved hands together blowing out an icy breath watching as the frosty smoke curled from her lips.

She hated Chicago winters.

Walking around her truck she looked up at the modest ranch style home that she found located at the end of a desolate road. The house was a pale yellow with a brick front. A dark blue pickup truck sat parked in the driveway. All the windows where dark with draperies and she got an unsettling feeling when staring at it.

She had to drive all the way over to Joliet to see this Ryan O'Reilly. She wasn't happy about the trip but she needed to know what Cletus was mixed up in now. Slipping her gloved hands into her coat pockets she walked quickly up the side walk toward the front door. The sun was about to set and she didn't want to be out here too late in the night. 

Ringing the doorbell she waited impatiently for someone to answer. She hated she left her skull cap in the car. Vanity won out on most evening when she didn't want to smash her precision curls flat because of the hat. Sighing as the winter chill caused her to shiver again she banged on the door harder this time. The little curtain that covered the small square shaped window at the top of the door moved and a man's brown eyes peered out at her.

Smiling sweetly she rose on her tippie toes to get a good look at him. "Hi my name is Charlotte Pryce and I'd like to talk to you about Cletus Jones"

The man opened the door a crack and looked at her "What do you want!" he barked out and Charlotte frowned at his rudeness. He didn't scare her though. She grew up in south Philly and had dealt with tougher men than him. She looked him up and down and wondered why a middle age white man would be hanging out with a juvenile delinquent like Cletus.

The guy looked to be in his late fifties but surprisingly fit. Wearing stained jeans and a checkered red and blue shirt his massive arms squeezed out his rolled up sleeves and his chest bulged underneath. His beard was thick and scruffy fully covering the lower portion of his face. He reminded her of Grisly Adams with his long wavy hair.

"Cletus is in some trouble and you may be able to help…" she said cautiously.

The man licked his lips covered mostly by his thick mustache and stared at the pecan brown beauty before him. "Maybe we should talk" he said smiling sheepishly.

He stepped aside and held the door open for her to enter. Charlotte looked at him then back behind her into the night and dimly lit street. Deciding helping Cletus most important she walked inside Ryan O'Rielly's delight and he closed the door behind her.

Driving down I-290 headed to Oak Brook, John flipped on his windshield wipers to catch the light snow flurries that were beginning to fall. The information he got from Wess back at the FBI said that Ryan O'Reilly's place was off Cleveland Street. John needed to get there and see this man that killed his father face to face. He hadn't thought of what he'd do or say but a meeting between them was his destiny.

Exiting the expressway he gripped the steering wheel tightly and thought of her. To see her again was really surprising. She breezed into Barnaby's office with that confident stride he remembered. Oblivious to him behind her he let his eyes travel her body resting on the swell of her hips he loved to hold onto when she was pinned beneath him. After all this time the sway of her long silky man and soft tone of her musical voice stirred his loins and torched his heart. He was as much as in love with her today as he was the day she lied asleep next to him and he almost opened up his heart.

He had no idea she fled to Chicago of all places. Well he should correct that, she didn't flee. She walked away from him and that's a big difference. Her reaction to him wasn't the least bit surprising. They barely were speaking before she left and probably had forced all memory of their love from his mind.

Sighing he hit his signal turning right as the navigation system in his rental told him how many more miles until he reached his destination. The pedestrian street in the neighborhood had cars parked on both sides of the roadway. He saw that he was in a urban area of Chicago and many of the houses looked abandoned. It figured that O'Reilly would pick here to put down roots.

The navigation system responded that he had arrived at his destination and he parallel parked the car in front of a run down two story white house. Turning off the car he looked up out of his window to the house with the boards on the front and sighed. He knew chances weren't great that he would find O'Rielly but he had to start somewhere. Opening his door he stepped out into the light snow and cool evening breeze that blew his hair from his face. Shivering he zipped up his leather jacket slipping his car keys in his left pocket.

Closing to the door he went to the trunk that he had released from inside the car and got his gun and flashlight. He slammed the trunk and looked around the desolate neighborhood. No one was out on the streets and the other houses looked unkept and abandoned. Slipping his gun under his jacket in the back of his pants, he walked away from the car toward the sidewalk. He knew that vagrants and junkies sought shelter on streets like these against he Chicago winters. He needed to be alert.

Reaching the front of the house he opened the iron gate and raced up the sidewalk to the steps. Trying the door handle he found it locked and grimaced. Immediately he went to the window on the left and put his face to it. Seeing that the furniture inside was covered with sheets, it became more than clear that this place was definitely abandoned. Turning back to the street he blew out a stressed breath and tried to decide if breaking and entering was something he should engage in for the night.

Shrugging it off he stepped down from the porch walking around the side of the house. The windows that lined the house were boarded tight and he didn't see any way to break in with the sun still setting. The walk space between the house and the other was covered in shadows but not completely concealed from the street. 

Coming around the back he saw the backdoor had a screen door attached. John went up to it snatching it forcefully and breaking the flimsy lock that held it in place. Placing his shoulder up against the wooden door inside he slammed his body against it hearing it creak but not give. Lifting from his crouched position he then rushed the door again. This time when he slammed against it harder the door split with a crack running down the middle. One last forceful slam knocked it in.

Immediately he was greeted by the stale smell of something spoiled and mildewed. Flipping on his flashlight he walked around the table in the kitchen and entered the living room. John ran the beam of the light over everything seeing mostly furniture and nothing useful.

The light then swept across a door to the left of the room and he stared at it curiously. Walking over to the door he turned the knob and saw it was a stairwell that led into the basement. John reached for the light switch and found the place had no electricity. Not surprising him at all he walked down into the dark basement with the flashlight illuminating the way. 

The closed off stale air of the basement was stifling. He coughed and swiped at long cobwebs that hung from the wooden beams. This address was about 10 years old still he couldn't imagine the place had been abandoned since then. Going over to the shelf he saw tools and some boxes with household items.

He found nothing of interest as he swept the beam across the room and became disappointed by another dead end. The light caught a shelf off to the right of the stairwell in the corner with boxes crammed inside.

Walking over he ran the light across the labels on the boxes stopping on the one that read **Ryan's Things**.

Putting the flashlight in his mouth he picked up the box and carried it over to the table on the other side of the room. Flipping the lid off and sticking his hand inside a large gray spider scuttled across it and he shook it loose.

He hated fucking spiders.

Holding the flashlight again with his left hand he went through the papers. O'Reilly wasn't charged with his dad's death but he did do a 7 year stint in prison for a robbery they were able to pin on him. Finding a folder that said _New Jersey Correctional Facility_ John pulled it loose. Opening it he saw the release papers for his parole. He ran the light across the document and his heart stop as the light beam fell on one particular name. The officer that gave a recommendation for his early release was _Jacob Barnaby_

"What the hell!" he growled.

John frowned and looked at the name again. Why would his dad's best friend do anything for the man that may have killed him? He had his suspicions but he would make that bastard tell him why. Grabbing the box, he headed for the stairs. He would go through all of the documents in detail back at his hotel.

Evangeline fell across her bed. She was exhausted and weary from the day's events. Seeing John wasn't something she expected to do again. Of course the world was small but this was too much. Reaching for the phone she called her best friend for reassurance.

"Hello"  
"Nora?"  
"Hey Van, how are you sweetie?"  
"Did you tell John I moved to Chicago?"

Nora started to choke. Apparently Evangeline called her while she was eating or drinking. Listening to her friend gag and wheeze she smiled "Are you okay?"

"Whaaa…"  
"Nora are you okay?"  
"Yes…yes I'm fine. Now what is this about John?"  
Evangeline looked up at the ceiling fan twirling lazily above her bed. "He's here"  
"Here where?"  
"Here in Chicago…did you tell him where I was?"  
"Of course not!" she said quickly.  
"Then why is he here?"

Nora grew silent "Van, John has problems. He quit the force and pushed everyone away. None of us see or speak to him he…."

"Problems?" Evangeline said frowning and focusing on that word. "He never resumed his therapy?"

"I don't know sweetie, I just know Bo said that he quit and left."  
"Then maybe he did come here to see me" Evangeline said her stomach tightening.  
"What did he say?"  
She frowned "What do you mean?"  
"When you saw him, what did he say?"  
Evangeline blew out a deep sigh "I didn't give him a chance"  
"Okay I'm confused"  
Chuckling she closed her eyes and blushed at her foolish behavior "I acted like an idiot. I ran into him at the Chicago Police Department then turned and ran out!"  
"You did what!"  
"I was shocked!"   
"Oh god Van…."  
"I know I feel like a complete idiot. I mean he was in with the superintendent of the police force…he"  
"What?" Nora asked confused that she stopped  
"He didn't seem to be focused on me. I think he was actually there to see Barnaby"  
"Well there you go….it was a coincidence"   
"Some coincidence"  
"You two are destined for these kinds of anomalies!" she said laughing

Evangeline laughed and then they both grew silent before she spoke again "Nora…it was so weird seeing him"  
"I can imagine."  
"I mean I know our time is over but to see him standing there smiling at me in that old familiar way….it just..."  
"Reminded you of your love for him?"  
"I'm not in love with him" Evangeline said quickly, correcting her.  
"Calm down….I said your love for him" 

Still chewing on her lip she nodded "Yes my love for him."  
"Well there is nothing wrong with that. It's only natural. But do yourself a favor if you do see him again don't run Van. You can handle John"  
"I'm not sure I can…"  
Nora frowned into the phone and signaled for Mathew to bring her his homework over to her for her to check and sign "Of course you can, you did it before you even left Llanview"

"I hid from him in Llanview you know that"  
"Well you still stood on your own two feet and stayed out of that catastrophe he created with 'she who will remain nameless' "

Evangeline giggled. It was there rule that they never speak of Natalie. "I love you so much" 

"I love you too, now are you sure you're okay?"  
"I am now! Kiss Matt for me"  
"Night sweetie"  
"Bye"

Hanging up Evangeline sat up on her bed. She thought about how he walked out of the station confident yet brooding. John was here for a reason and she was really curious as to what. Rising from the bed she took off her suit jacket and walked out into her living room. Nora was right. She could handle John and seeing him again. Hell for all she knew he could have left for the airport when she last saw him.

Sighing she digested a hidden truth that she kept buried deep within. She was so deeply in love with him still. He was and is the only man that has touched her heart in such a profound way. Seeing him today she entertained the thought that he came to Chicago to find her. To profess his undying love and tell her he wanted to start again. It was a fantasy she played over and over in her head during the most private moments. Going into her kitchen to take out something for dinner she smiled lightly to herself. It just wasn't easy to get over John McBain.

3 AM that morning 

Larry was freezing and determined to find shelter in the artic blast. The snow was falling much harder now and this was the worst time to be homeless. He fought in Vietnam dammit! This country owed him at least shelter in the storm.

But he was all to familiar with where the government stood on people like him. They cared very little for their veterans in his opinion.

Walking down Chester Street where the pizzeria was he headed to the back of the building. There was a large dumpster that remained empty on most nights. He prayed it was at least halfway empty tonight so he could warm himself.

Humped over he shuffled along in his tattered clothes and run over tennis shoes. He tried not to feel sorry for himself but his hunger and exhaustion from the cold made that a impossible task on a night like tonight.

Stopping he looked up confused by the sounds of a man grunting. Larry squinted through the white storm and stared ahead. A tall formidable man in a thick camel jacket with a red baseball cap was pulling the tarp back on his blue pickup truck.

Larry stepped closer to the wall into the shadows and leaned over to see the man pull out what looked to be a young woman from the back. Throwing her over his shoulders Larry saw her hands hanging downward and knew she was black. The man went to the dumpster raising the lid then tossed her inside.

Larry's heart stopped. He didn't know what to do. Turning and running back out into the snowstorm he wheezed and stifled the panic attack he felt coming on. Seeing dead bodies was too much. He dealt with it in the war but he couldn't deal with it now. Besides that man could find him and although he was dirty, homeless and sick with hunger, he still wanted to live.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Burden of Love: Bad News...**

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline stared at Ms. Carter with an aggravated scowl on her face. The silver haired woman continued to eat her omelet taking time before answering Evangeline's question. Looking at her she seemed as mild and soft spoken as your favorite grandmother. But when she spoke there was a distinct coldness to her voice. Immediately making her features harden and her eyes grow cruel with self righteousness.

Last year her husband suffered a stroke while undergoing surgery for his prostate cancer. The surgery was supposed to be routine and even though he was in his early seventies he was expected to live.

Later it was discovered that his anesthesiologist was drunk when he put him under and his miscalculation brought about the stroke resulting in her husband slipping into a coma that he still remained in. "Ms. Carter will you be willing to accept this settlement offer that Northwestern Memorial has on the table?" Evangeline asked again waiting on her to respond.

To Evangeline it was more than fair and prevented them from a lengthy trial they may not win based on her husband's age and prior medical record. Another attorney could argue that although it's tragic what happened, the stroke may not be related at all to the negligence of the anesthesiologist.

Mrs. Carter raised her cold blue eyes to meet hers and they gleamed from the malevolent thoughts running through her mind. "What if he dies? Can I get more money then?"

"I beg your pardon?"  
"Die dear, are you deaf?" Mes. Carter smirked dropping her fork onto her plate.  
"He's in a coma…"  
"They don't see much brain activity so we could just pull the plug, Charles isn't going to make it honey and I need…."  
"Okay this conversation stops here. Northwestern is offering you 1.5 million and I suggest you take it to avoid a trial. They have more lawyers than I'm prepared to fight!"

The old woman sucked her teeth in an unpleasant way pouting. "This is not fair. I want 20 million!"

Evangeline shook her head "You've been watching too much TV. There's no way you will get 20 million and even if we win a judgment, they can hold your payoff in appeals for so long that you want see a dime before you leave this earth."

"You are my attorney…your supposed to fight for me!" she hissed

Evangeline sat back upset. This was a case she and Charlotte needed but she was so tired of this old bat. Scanning the new trendy restaurant located in _Greektown_ called _Hashbrowns_. She tried to pace herself before continuing.

The restaurant was a very sheik breakfast and lunch bar. It was located in the old Maxwell Street Market and was a popular spot the yuppies flocked too.

The patrons were packed in this morning and she saw most were in business attire having breakfast meetings just like her. The door opened blowing in the cold and snow causing those near it to shiver. Evangeline's eyes grew big when she glanced over and saw John step through. Wearing a long trench and matching gloves he shook off the snow from his shoulders as round flakes that clung to his head. Looking around the small quaint eatery it wasn't long before he spotted her. 

Evangeline smiled a greeting and he smiled back at her, then kept looking around. She watched as he spotted his breakfast companion and followed him as he went over to meet Jacob Barnaby. Now she was certain, he was here for another reason and she couldn't mask her disappointment.

"Excuse me…" Mrs. Carter snapped.  
Evangeline looked back at her client. "Yes…"  
"I asked you what's it going to take to get you to do your job and get me my 20 million!"

Evangeline cut her eyes and went back to the semantics of what it takes to win a case like hers hoping the hateful woman would just sign off on the settlement papers so she could get out of the restaurant and away from John. She didn't want to run away but seeing him was just too weird. Too tempting.

John walked in from the cold and shook off the frost that clung to him. He looked around the restaurant and his heart stopped at the sight of her. She sat at the small table with another woman her hair cascaded around her face wearing a dark navy suit with a crisp pointy collar white shirt folded neatly over her lapel revealing her cocoa colored delicate neck. She saw him and smiled and it warmed his heart. The last time they saw each other she fled from him like he was a carrier of the bubonic plague.

Chicago was a pretty big city. To run into each other twice had to be fate. After he spoke to Barnaby he'd try his hand at reaching out to her. Looking over he saw the bastard sitting in the corner eating. He walked over unbuttoning his coat taking it off and throwing it over his chair before taking a seat.

"Morning John….glad you called this morning I have good news"  
"Really?" John asked sarcastically as the waitress handed him a menu.  
Barnaby frowned "Is something wrong?"  
"Why don't you tell me your news first?"  
Barnaby smiled "Okay…..I have an opening for a Lt. at the Clarke Street station. I can get you in as soon as the ink is dry on the paperwork"

John looked at the man that was like a second father to him. He thought about what he discovered and what it meant. Last night in the box he shuffled through nothing of importance. His only lead was Ryan O'Rielly and his dad's best friend was somehow connected to him. Now he may get into the Chicago PD to gain further access to Barnaby. John decided to play his hand close.

"I'll have coffee only please….black" John said passing the menu back to the waitress.  
"Well aren't you going to say something?" Barnaby asked frowning.  
"Thanks Jacob, that's great news"

Jacob dropped his fork. "I get it you're still mad at me about the O'Rielly case. You want me to re-open it"

John stared at him and smirked "Can it be my first assignment?"  
"No, John….let ghosts stay buried. I am offering you a fresh start. I won't let you use my department for a personal vendetta."  
"Jacob can I ask you a question?" he asked accepting the coffee and winking at the redhead waitress that blushed back at him.

"Sure…."  
"What prompted your move to Chicago?" John asked innocently sipping his coffee.  
"I got an offer after I solved the Banger bank robbery case." he said forking some of his fluffy yellow eggs into his mouth.

John nodded "Those pesky bank robberies, all the way back to dad you have been trying tirelessly to catch bank robbers…strange hunh?" 

Jacob frowned at John suspiciously. "What is that supposed to mean?"  
Before John could respond he saw the old woman sitting with Evangeline rise from the table in a huff throwing her cloth napkin into her face. Evangeline glared at the woman who snatched up her coat and stormed away.

"Excuse me..." John said rising  
Jacob looked at him curiously "We need you to come to the station John….."  
John looked back over his shoulder with his coffee in hand and jacket in the other smiling "Oh I'll be there."

Walking across the restaurant he smiled lightly as Evangeline looked up into his face. "Can I join you?"  
She extended her hand "Please…"  
John took a seat and Evangeline stared at him for several minutes. "It's a small world hunh?"

She slipped her hands under the table into her lap. "It sure is…what brings you to the windy city?"  
"A job"  
Evangeline eyes bugged out of her skull and she looked at John dumbfounded "You can't be serious…"

John laughed "Why is that so shocking?"  
Looking over to Barnaby who was staring at them she finally understood his presence at the station. "I just…."  
"How have you been Evangeline?"  
"I've been good John thank you"  
"You look good" he said running his eyes over her. Evangeline blushed and looked away. "So you will be living in Chicago?"  
"Will that be a problem for you?"  
Looking back into his face she smiled sweetly "I think the city is big enough for the both of us."

John leaned back in his seat "I can't get over running into you twice. Wouldn't you say that lady fate is having a big ole laugh at our expense?"

Hearing her cell phone vibrate she threw up her finger excusing herself before reaching into her purse to retrieve it. John watched her and she tried to steady her hand from shaking to visibly. She pulled out the tiny silver flip phone and opened it. 

"Evangeline Williamson" she said looking back into his warm blue stare.  
"Ms. Williamson this Detective Gray with the Chicago PD your office gave me your mobile number to contact you."  
"Yes…" Evangeline said frowning. John saw her face darken and paid attention.  
"I'm going to have to ask you to come into the station immediately."  
"Is this in regards to a client?"  
"I think we should talk face to face, but this is an urgent matter. How soon can you get here?"

Evangeline looked at her watch. "I guess I can be there within the hour"   
"Fine…I will wait for your arrival"  
"Thank you detective" Evangeline said closing the phone.

"Is something wrong?" John asked  
"I don't know must be the Cletus Jones case. I told Charlotte to handle it but I know her, it will fall directly in my lap."  
"Charlotte?"  
"Oh…I have a practice here with a childhood friend. You'll love her"   
John smiled sexily "So is that an invitation to meet her?"  
Evangeline laughed. "No…" she said rising. "I need to go to the station."

John rose and helped her into her coat "Why don't we share a cab. I have to go as well to fill out my paperwork"

Evangeline looked at him. "Well…umm…okay"  
"Its okay….its just a cab ride. Besides from the way you breezed into the station yesterday we will probably be working together or against each other counselor."  
She grabbed her briefcase and purse "You have a point"

John slipped on his coat and followed her out into the snow. Hailing a cab they both got in quickly and closed the door to the icy wind that nearly shut it on them.

Evangeline scooted over in the seat and looked over at him smiling. He smiled back. "So what's your life like now Evangeline?"

She looked away out of the window "Work mostly" she said softly  
"No special someone?"  
She looked back at him irritated by the question "What?"  
"Boyfriend you know…man?"  
"That's none of your business John"  
He laughed and nodded "Can't blame a guy for being curious"  
"I think we should get some ground rules straight"  
"Do you?" he said amused  
"Yes…"  
"Okay what are the ground rules?" 

Evangeline cleared her throat. "I'm willing to be friendly with you. I mean we were great friends at one time." 

"This is true" he said nodding smiling at the nervous way she wrung her gloved hand as the cab bounced and swerved down the icy road.

"My personal life is off limits and so is our social contact" she rushed out  
"That's kind of cold Van"  
She looked at him "I don't think so John…"  
He reached over and touched her hand causing her to freeze. "Its cold but I understand. We aren't exactly friends anymore, and I didn't come to town to disrupt your life. I'm here trying to save mine"

Evangeline stared at him. "How so?"  
"My father..."  
Her eyes grew big at the mention of the unspoken subject that always lingered where John was concerned "What about your father?"  
"It's complicated….just know that I will make an effort to respect your privacy and the boundaries between us. I just hope one day you will forgive me for failing you so miserably and we are able to salvage some sort of friendship."

Evangeline patted her other hand over his that rested in her lap. "I would like that"

Arriving at the station John held the door open and paid the cab. They raced back inside the station with both of them feeling frozen. The warm lobby was comforting. Evangeline walked over to the desk sergeant and gave the detectives name. He called him and then nodded pointing her down the hall.

She turned to John "I hope to see you again soon"  
John smiled at her and said nothing. She looked into his crystal blue eyes a moment longer trying to settle her desires that stirred just by his gaze on her. Turning reluctantly she walked off. John watched her go seeing her coat flap light behind her as she walked away. Her jasmine scent still lingered in the air. He could kick himself for the mistakes he made. Going to the desk sergeant he shook off the memories of what her skin felt like. "Where's HR?" he asked

The sergeant looked up "Follow that lady that just left. It's at the end of that hall as well" he said returning his attention back to what was in front of him. John smiled and walked away. Like he said lady fate just kept throwing them into each others orbit.

"Detective Gray" Evangeline said smiling extending her hand

Samuel Gray accepted her gloved hand and stared into her deep brown eyes. He'd seen her in the station before and was more than attracted to her. He was about six foot four and solid build. His hair was dark and curly in a short buzz cut. He fixed his dark eyes on her and felt a wave of sadness over what he had to do. He liked Charlotte a lot and this would be hard.

"Please sit down Ms. Williamson"  
"What is this about?"  
The detective sucked in his breath "When was the last time you spoke to your partner?"

Blinking at him confused she looked at him in silence for a moment. "Charlotte? You called me here about Charlotte?"

The detective swallowed "I don't know how to say this…."  
"Say what?"  
"We believe Charlotte Pryce was murdered last night"

Evangeline felt the room spinning. She gripped the arm of her chair and shook her head slowly "You believe what…." she croaked out in a hoarse whisper her heart in her throat.

"I need you identify the body…"  
"Nooooo…this is a mistake. I spoke to Charlotte last night" she said wheezing.   
"Ms. Williamson…"  
"NOOOOOO! THIS IS A MISTAKE!" she screamed

John walking out of the HR office with the papers to fill out and heard Evangeline's screams. Turning he looked over to the office she sat in. The large windows had the blinds pulled up and he could see her. Evangeline had both of her hands to her head shaking it and screaming No!. Throwing the paperwork on the desk next to him, he heard the brunette yell at him for using her desk to drop his stuff, ignoring her he raced to the office.

"NOOO! DAMMIT!" Evangeline shouted at the detective leaping from her chair. Her heart was pounding so fast she felt as if she was having a heart attack as her hands went numb. John burst into the office and Detective Gray frowned at him. She turned and saw him, her face deep red and eyes wide in horror. She ran to him and he held her tightly. "OH GOD! OH GOD PLEASE GOD NOO! JOHN PLEASE….NO!"

John held her as her body started to shake and then convulse under her torturous cries. He rubbed her back and looked over her shoulder at the detective. He walked toward them "I am so sorry"

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!" Evangeline cried into John's chest.   
"What is going on?" John asked dumbfounded.  
"Her partner Charlotte Pryce has been murdered"

John blinked confused then held Evangeline as she went weak collapsing in his arms. His heart broke for her and he picked her up carrying her over to the bench in the detective office. She was mumbling incoherently and crying softly going into shock. He couldn't reach her while she was caught up in this hell so he elected to just hold her.

The detective said he would get her some water as others stopped outside the office to see the spitfire attorney who along with her partner turned this station on its head, an emotional wreck.

"Its okay baby….I got you" he said softly kissing her forehead as she clung to him. He rocked her in his arms and she screamed, wheezed, cried and wailed. Trying to give her water offered by the detective she refused it and just held onto him. "She can't be dead….she can't be dead…" she kept repeating.

The detective touched John's shoulder "We need her to identify Charlotte. She didn't have any id and we need to be positive."

John nodded. "Give us a moment and I will bring her out to you"  
The detective agreed to it and walked out. John rubbed her back. "It will be okay…we will figure this out."

Evangeline lifted her tear streaked face to his her bottom lip quivering "John….I can't…I can't look at her body"  
"She needs you Van…if it's her we have to find out what happened."  
Evangeline face crumbling again John kissed her nose. "Please baby….we can do this together" he said stroking the side of her face and moving her hair from it.

"Will you come with me?"  
John smiled softly "Of course."  
Evangeline nodded and laid her head back on his chest. John felt a sense of relief that god had put him in her path at this moment. He couldn't bear her going through something like this alone. He would protect her. After all it's the only thing he was good at.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Burden of Love: Is this a Dream or just the same nightmare?REVISED**

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline walked with her head down staring at the grey linoleum floor as her heels clicked hollowly with each step. Walking along side her was John and his feet kept measure with hers. He held her up and followed the detective to the opposite side of the building toward the Medical Examiners office. Trying to remain in control she cried with her arm wrapped around him. She just wasn't sure that she could see her friend since she was six years old lying dead on a slab.

John rubbed her arm comforting her but the trauma was more than she could handle. He was worried sick about her. She turned pale and her eyes were swollen shut. She barely walked straight as her head hung over causing her hair to fall into her face. "Its okay sweetie….I will be right by your side"

Evangeline shook her head no "I can't" she whimpered looking up to see the double swing doors to where Charlotte lay cast aside. Evangeline stopped shaking her head "Don't make me John!" she wheezed.

The detective stopped and looked at her impatiently as John held her arm pulling her toward him. "Van…"  
"No…I can't do it! Don't make me please!"  
John cupped her face in both his hands forcing her to look into his eyes. "Look at me Van…."  
Evangeline looked at him terrified.  
"I know you are scared baby. I'm not going to lie to you this is tough. This will probably be the toughest thing you will ever have to do in your life. But Van you have to do it. She was your best friend and someone took her life. We have to find out who and why. We have to make sure it's her. She has no one but you sweetie."

"I'm scared" she said softly  
"I know, and god knows if I could do this for you I would. We can take all the time you need but you have to do this" he said smiling into her face and letter her go stand on her own.

Evangeline smiled weakly. "I can do this" she said through the tears that pooled in her eyes taking a deep breath  
John smiled wider "Of course you can…..you're one tough cookie remember?"  
Evangeline laughed and so did he. Stopping she looked at him "Thank you John, I don't know how I could get through this without your support"

"I'm just glad I was here to offer it" he said touching her cheek.  
"Are you guys coming?" the detective said.

John glared at him over his shoulder ready to snap but Evangeline touched his chest. "Yes…" she said shakily.

Holding each others hand tightly they walked down the rest of the corridor and Evangeline made several attempts to swallow the lump in her throat. Shaking she sucked in her breath going into the cool room.

The place smelled of chemicals and death. Closing her eyes she waited until the wave of nausea passed. John's hand slipped into hers and the contact made her open her eyes. The detective walked over to a petite Asian woman with her hair pulled into a tight bun wearing black rimmed square glasses and a white lab coat. She stood in-between two bodies holding a silver clipboard reading something.

She looked over at them and nodded. "What can I do for you detective?"  
He turned and pointed toward Evangeline and John "We need to get an identification on Jane Doe"

The ME lowered the pad to the silver tray next to the body housing a bunch of crude looking instruments. "If you will follow me"

Evangeline legs felt like led but she found the strength to move as all four of them went to the back of the exam room where the walls were lines with iron refrigerated cabinet doors. The ME walked along reading the labels and Evangeline realized her friend was lying behind one of them. She felt another panic attack coming on and swallowed it. She wasn't breathing.

Finally finding the one housing her friend the ME grabbed the silver refrigerator like handle and opened the door. Reaching inside she slid out the slab that had a white sheet covering the body.

John pulled her toward the slab and Evangeline struggled again to breathe. The ME looked in her face for some indication that she was ready. Evangeline's lip quivered and she began to sweat in the cool lab. Squeezing John's hand with tears falling she blew out her breath and nodded. The sheet came back and her best friends face came into view.

"Ohhh God!" Evangeline screamed and John pulled her into his arms "Noooo! god why! Why would you do this! Why!" she wailed as the torrent of tears came down.

John tried to soothe her. Looking down at the once beautiful woman his heart broke. She was a pale gray and her lips were purple indicating from his experience she was left in the cold. He saw the dark purplish red marks around her neck. Evangeline continued to scream and the ME pulled the sheet back "How was she killed?" John asked

"My preliminary report shows she was strangled and beaten."  
"NOOOO!" Evangeline screamed.  
John held her as she collapsed and he had to hold her up by her arms. "Where did you find her?"

The detective looked at John "Exactly who are you again?"  
John smiled a him "I'm your knew Lt. I was hired today"  
The ME looked at the detective somewhat shocked and he looked John up and down holding up Evangeline in his arms as she wailed oblivious to them.

"A homeless guy called it in. He's barely coherent but we got a loose description, we're keeping him in holding. Her body was dumped in Joliet" 

Evangeline raised her head "She said she was going to see someone. Someone that knew more about the Cletus Jones case"  
The detective frowned and the ME pushed Charlotte's body back in the drawer closing it then excused herself walking silently away. 

"Cletus Jones…you two working on that cop killer case!" he snapped.

Evangeline flashed the detective an angry look. "Apparently he's not the killer if my best friend is dead you asshole!" she shouted.  
John rubbed her back a little surprised at her out burst. The detective rubbed his jaw. "Okay I'm sorry…" he mumbled "Who was this person she was going to see?"  
"I can't remember" Evangeline whimpered.

John shook his head "That's enough, I'll take her home to get some rest and she'll come back tomorrow to help with the case."

Before the detective could say anything John led Evangeline out. Evangeline kept closing her eyes seeing feisty Charlotte, defender of those that found themselves defenseless. Murdered because of her desire to help correct the injustices heaped on people that couldn't fight back. Now who will right this wrong? Who will correct the injustice of her being snatched from this world at the age of 30?

Her friend didn't deserve to die, she didn't deserve to be murdered. Whoever the bastard was that hurt her would be made to pay!

Walking into her place Evangeline kept her head down and headed to her room pulling off her clothes. John closed the door and went to the light switch. He looked around her condo impressed. His Evangeline had the most impeccable taste. Her walls were a soft lavender with a white trim and her sofa was a deep purple accompanied by a chaise lounge chair to the left of it. The mahogany table had a cylinder vase with a thick lavender candle placed inside.

The wall had a stereo mounted on it with flat speakers on either side. And nice paintings framed the other walls. The hardwood floors looked polished and buffed. He turned to see the kitchen was red with black and white tiles on the floor and black cabinets lining the walls. He walked in and saw all her accessories were ladybugs like they were in Llanview and he smiled.

He knew that he was here just for support but being in her place was like coming home. Going to her cabinet he pulled out a wine glass and knowing her went to the bottom of her stainless steel refrigerator opening the vegetable draw to find her bottle of Merlot.

Uncorking it he poured her some and put the bottle on the counter. Walking toward her bedroom he saw she hadn't turned on the light and she was laid on the bed in her bra and panties. He felt a little hesitant of going to her that way, but she needed him.

"Evangeline…" he said softly  
She didn't respond and he walked over to her placing the glass on the nightstand. He pulled at the sheets under her causing her to moan and turn over as he worked her under the covers. Her hair in her face she looked up at him and grabbed his arm "Don't leave me please…I know you don't want to be here but please stay" she whimpered. 

John frowned at her plea "What do you mean…."  
"John I can't live with this. She was my best friend and I forced her to take the case on her own. I should have helped her!"

John touched her face moving the stray strands "No baby, you couldn't have prevented this. It's not your fault"

"Just like Caitlyn's death wasn't your fault?" she snapped  
John's heart leaped to his throat and he looked at her shocked. "Where did that come from?"

Evangeline burst into tears "I'm sorry…oh god…I just.." she moaned turning over. John reached for her but she wouldn't turn around. "Its okay Van, you're right guilt is guilt and I know that more than anyone."

"She's dead…" Evangeline moaned again crying more.  
"Yes baby and it's hard to accept. But neither of us is responsible for the deaths of the people we love."

Evangeline turned over and looked at him. "You don't mean that….you believed and still do that you could have prevented Caitlyn's death….and you fathers"   
"Van this isn't about…."  
"It's about pain John…the type of pain that cuts you open and leaves you to bleed to death. The type of pain that suffocates you with every minute that passes. My best friend is dead and less than 24 hours ago I spoke to her. I told her I wouldn't help her because I was too afraid to face you!" 

John blinked at her not understanding. "I don't…"  
"I was running like you always do and now she's dead. I was thinking of my own selfish needs and some animal was killing the best human being walking this planet. Yet I get to live and wander through life licking old wounds while hiding from reality."

John shook his head. She wasn't making much sense but he understood her pain. "Drink this" he said reaching for the wineglass.

Evangeline snatched it from his hand and gulped it all down. John tried to pull it from her and she turned away. Once done she shoved it at him. 

"Evangeline please…"  
"Just hold me….don't tell me that it will be okay. Don't use words on me that you don't even believe yourself. Just hold me so I can pretend that she's not dead and find a little peace"

Her words burned through him and he lowered the glass kicking off his shoes. Evangeline turned over and closed her eyes. John spooned her remaining on top of the sheets. He could smell her apricot shampoo and to have her in his arms again was so comforting. He listened to her moans and cries until she drifted to sleep.

Once she was asleep he rose from the bed and walked out of the room closing the door leaving it cracked. Walking into the dark living room he went and got some sheets from the hall closet. Tossing them on the large purple sofa and removing the large pillows that lined the couch. Pulling off his clothes he folded them and put them in the lounge chair.

Sitting in nothing but his boxers he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. Scanning channels he thought of what she said. For years people have tried to tell him how he wasn't at fault for the death of others, but he never believed it. She was right he was a hypocrite. 

Restlessly he lay back on the sofa and pulled the covers over him. He would help her and in doing so he would help himself.

Evangeline stood in the dark living room watching him sleep. John turned over and opened his eyes to see her standing in her knee length nightgown with her lip quivering silently crying. He pulled back his covers on the sofa and she immediately went to him lying between his legs. "Its okay baby" he said softly as she lay on his chest listening to the soft rhythmic beat of his heart. She wanted to forget and she needed him desperately.

Kissing his chest lightly John looked down at the top of her head confused. Evangeline slid her hand down to between his legs lifting some so she could touch his manhood. It immediately responded to her touch. "What are you doing?" John asked confused

She looked up at him her eyes red with tears. "Don't talk….just give me what I need" she said coming up to him and kissing his lips while stroking him. John turned his head "No…you're just upset." He said resisting her.

"Be quiet" she whispered seductively in his ear and then stuck her tongue inside of it. John clenched his fist knowing he should push her off. This would do nothing but hurt her more.

"Stop!" he said reaching for her hand now massaging his erect penis.  
"You don't want me too….I can feel it" she whispered kissing the inside of his neck letting him go so she could grind against him.

"Evangeline…please…" he said trying weakly to push her off him. She brushed off his hands and pulled up the hem of her nightgown. Reaching between his legs she grabbed his penis and pulled it through the opening of his boxers. Bending her knees she straddled him and he opened his eyes to look up at her as she slid down onto his member. Her hair was disheveled and in her face, he could only see her lips as they parted slowly to her moans.

"Evangeline.." he said weakly hurt that she would give herself to him like this. He didn't want her like this…out of desperation and need. He wanted her back the right way. But the feel of being inside of her was to overwhelming and instead of ending it he grabbed her hips digging his nails into the light fabric of her gown as she rotated and bounced in his lap.

Biting down on his lip he grunted underneath her and she placed her hands flat against his chest working back and forth faster and faster. "Oh god!" he shouted unable to remain quiet any longer. She lowered her face to his still rocking in his lap and her long hair completed covered their faces as she licked his lips and slipped her tongue inside. He squeezed her butt and kissed her back deeply so grateful for the chance to experience her again.

Groaning from it all he held her hips tightly pushing up into her with powerful thrusts crying out under his orgasm. Evangeline sat up and arched her back squeezing every bit of his juices from him. When they were done John lay beneath her dripping in sweat. He looked up at her and she burst into tears her face still covered by her tangles. He reached for her and she rose from his lap backing away.

Shocked that she was running from him after what they shared he sat up hurt. "Wait…Evangeline"

Quickly she jumped form the couch pulling down her gown and ran to her bedroom. John got up to go after her shoving his penis back in his boxer shorts as he heard the bedroom door slam and lock. He went to the door and knocked on it "Evangeline baby, don't do this. Why are you punishing yourself?" 

"Go away!" she shouted and he could tell from her voice she was on the floor right outside the door. Lowering to the floor he put his hand to the door. "Evangeline"  
"No! You got what you wanted now get out of my house!" she wailed and John winced from the implication. "No baby I didn't…"  
"You don't love me! You never loved me!"

John was stunned. He's loved her for so long and so hard that he actually forgot that he never told her. After all these years he didn't want to tell her like this. She wouldn't believe him if he did. "Evangeline, sweetie open the door….let me talk to you"

"Get out!" she screamed  
"NO!" he shouted back. "I've done the running thing when it comes to us, and frankly it doesn't work to well. Look at us, time, distance and even this locked door can't keep us apart. We are two sides of the same coin. You can't escape me and I won't let you. You are everything to me!"

"Not true…." She moaned  
"Oh baby its true, and I will sit outside this door for eternity until you believe me."

Hearing nothing for a long while John sighed and sat down placing his back against the door. "You know when I visited you in the hospital after the Killing Club I was in such a state of guilt and grief it pushed me near insanity."

"I remember it was because you wanted your precious Natalie!" she croaked out hoarsely from all the tears. 

John shook his head sadly "Yes, I was worried about Natalie but I was guilty and grieving over you. I had just lost you and I was responsible for you almost burning to death. I failed you and the sight of you hurt, it almost destroyed me."

"Funny, when you saw Natalie you gave her all the tenderness and support I was denied" she said sadly. "I guess the sight of her was a lot more comforting!"

"Baby….its what guilt and grief can do to you. It makes everything distorted. It makes you cling to that which will keep you empty and push away that which could make you whole." 

Evangeline said nothing and touched the door at the sound of his pain.  
"I know why you came to me tonight….you wanted to be empty, you wanted to do what I did to Natalie…you thought you could control your grief and pain this way. But it didn't work" 

"No…it didn't" she said crying again.  
"Do you want to know why?" he asked softly  
She nodded through her tears "Yes…" she said weakly  
"Open this door and let me tell you"

Evangeline looked at the door then raised her hand to the knob and unlocked it. Rising to her knees she opened it to see John looking at her lovingly. "Why John? Why can't it just be over for us so I can have some peace?"

John came to her and gripped her face "Because we love each other. I love you more than life itself and I will never stop loving you"

"Oh god…" Evangeline cried going into his arms.  
He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly to him as she clung to him. She cried in his arms and he didn't let her go. Rubbing her back he kissed the side of her face. "I love you Evangeline….I'll never let another day go by without telling you"

She pulled away and looked in his face "I love you too" she said before kissing him her face wet with tears of both pain and joy. He picked her up off the floor then scooped her up in his arms carrying her to the bed. Lying her down he came along side of her and rained her face with kisses. He was so happy to have her next to him. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. They fell asleep that way….in each other arms. 

"You hungry?"  
John opened his eyes to an intense crook in his neck. Looking around he found himself on the couch. Evangeline sat in the chair across from him her hair tangled and eyes swollen. She had her knees pulled underneath her.

He shot up and looked around the living room. Oh god no! It was just a dream. She didn't come back to him. She wasn't his.

Evangeline frowned "You were moaning in your sleep….what were you dreaming about?"

John saw she had fresh tears on her face. "It was nothing" he said sadly  
"Are you hungry? I can fix you something" she said not bothering to move her tangles from his face and her lip quivering.

"Are you okay Evangeline?" he asked tenderly  
"No..."  
He pulled up the sheet and scooted back on the couch. She got up and went to him lying on her side in the crook of his arm. He covered her and held her tight to his chest while lying behind her.  
"Thank you John for being a friend to me"   
John smiled sadly. He wanted so much more. So much more.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Burden of Love: Breaking the Ice REVISED**

by tarskeewee08

John woke up to the smell eggs and bacon. He looked over and saw Evangeline in her robe cooking in the kitchen. He still couldn't believe that it was a dream last night. He held her earlier in the morning and drifted back to sleep with her in his arms. His heart ached that she was still unaware of how much he missed and needed her. Sitting up he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

She looked over at him sadly with dark circles under her eyes "Breakfast is almost ready."  
"You didn't have to do that, we could have gone out and gotten something" he said yawning.  
"I can't leave here yet. I'm not ready" she said softly.  
Sitting up he looked at her. Here hair was still in tangles and she wore a pink satin gown. Her skin was somewhat lifeless and she moved a little stiff. Grief had more than a hold on her and it was winning the battle. "Van…"

"I called her parents John"  
John stared at her in disbelief. That had to be a hard thing to do. "Why didn't you let me do it?"  
She looked over at him and smiled "That's sweet, but I grew up with her. I needed to call home and break the news" she said taking his plate to the table.

He looked at the plate loaded with food and frowned "Why are you cooking and…"  
"It helps me." She said fixing his coffee "Now come eat and indulge me this"

John rose form the couch and walked over to the table in his boxer shorts. She barely took note of the way he was dressed or lack there of. She was too caught up in her own pain. Bringing two cups of coffee to the table she sat his down and then took a seat across from him.

John sat down and stared at his plate of eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast. When they were together she would cook for him like this and feed him at times. He could remember some mornings pouting if she was to leave early because of a case and there was no breakfast made for him out of love. Moving his food around his plate he then looked up at her. "Aren't you going to eat?"

She smiled weakly at him. "I don't have an appetite"  
"Evangeline you have to eat"  
She nodded "I know…I will try later I promise."  
He smiled at her and started to eat the breakfast feeling her eyes on him. She drank her coffee studying his face. "You want to tell me about that dream?"  
John almost choked and looked at her confused "What?"  
"I heard you say my name in your dream" she said lowering her cup.

John stared at her "I did?"  
Staring at him curious she nodded slowly. "Yes you did"  
He thought about getting into it with her as he stared into her eyes. She looked exhausted and vulnerable and he didn't know what opening that up at this moment would do to her. "I was just worried about you."

She smiled again at him. "You are a good man John"  
"Where did that come from?"  
"Being a friend like this too me. Staying the night, offering to view the body with me, all great acts of generosity on your part."

"Why does that surprise you Evangeline?" he asked smiling.  
"Look at our past. I never really needed you and when I did you were never really there for me." She said sadly.

Her words cut through his heart and he dropped his fork in his plate "We need to talk…."

The phone rang and Evangeline looked up "Maybe that's the station with some news. I told my office to forward calls here today." she said getting up from the table. She walked over and picked up the phone anxiously.

"Hello?"  
"Ms. Williamson?"  
"Yes…"  
"This is Detective Grey"  
"Hello detective…" she said looking over to John who was now watching her.  
"We found her truck."  
Evangeline bit into her lip "Okay"  
"It was abandoned in Joliet. Forensics will be going through it."  
"She had a navigation system, make sure you check that."

"We will thank you. Also the ME found traces of skin under her nails. She's going to run a DNA test. We might get lucky."

"How soon will we know something?" Evangeline asked  
"72 hours at the earliest" he said  
"Please let me know as soon as you know something. Her uncle will be arriving in town today to have body sent to Philadelphia."  
"I'll let the coroners office know"  
"Thank you detective" Evangeline said hanging up. She braced herself against the counter and started to cry again. John got up from the table and walked over to her. 

"Come here…"he said pulling her into his arms.  
She hugged him. "I can't stop crying" she said weakly  
"It's okay…"he said  
Pulling from him she looked in his face "John it's not okay. She's dead…stop saying its okay!" she snapped pushing away.

Blowing out a frustrated breath he watched her go to her room and slam her door. Her emotions were all over the place. He just kept saying all the wrong things to her. Walking over to her room he hesitated then turned the door knob. He saw her sitting on the bed with her head down and her tangled hair hanging in her face.

"Why don't we get dressed and we go somewhere?"  
Evangeline looked over at him. "Go where John?" she said disinterested.  
"I've never been to Chicago why don't you take me somewhere?"  
She looked away "I don't feel like it!" she snapped.

He walked over to the bed and sat next to her. "You're in pain and sitting here stewing in it will just make you sick. Let's walk out the door and face the world today"

Evangeline looked at him and frowned "Why are you doing this?"  
"Because I care"  
Staring at him for a long time she tried to see if it what he said was true. "You seem different"  
John looked away "I am"  
"How so?"  
"I'm not afraid of my feelings anymore" he said looking at her.   
Evangeline smiled at that, it was one of the things she had hoped to hear him say. She looked at him and felt her heart began to race. John looked in her face and still felt the phantom feeling of her kiss. Before he knew it he was leaning toward her as she stared in his eyes for another one, a real one. His face barely inches from hers now he titled his head to take the liberty that he shouldn't. 

Evangeline moved away and stood up. "Okay if you give me an hour I'll be ready" she said walking to her bathroom, "Oh and dress warmly its 12 degrees today" she said closing the door. 

John rubbed his jaw. He made an ass out of himself. Smiling he got up, on their way here they stopped at his hotel and got his bag so he could have some clothes. He grabbed his bag and headed to the other bathroom to dress.

An hour later John sat on the couch watching TV waiting on her when she came out in a thick tangerine cabled knit sweater with a orange turtleneck underneath. Her jeans were tight and fitted showing the curve of her hips he loved to run his hands over. On her feet were hiking boots and her hair was under a skull cap that had bright orange and blue rings around it. "I don't think I want to do this" she said softly. 

John stood up "Only for a few hours. Just something to clear your head"  
Evangeline bit down on her lip. "I was thinking we could go ice skating since the snow has stopped."

John smiled "Me on skates?"  
She laughed "Yeah...We can go to Millennium Park off of North Michigan"  
"Evangeline…I don't think…"  
She turned on him "This was your idea. You said you wanted to see Chicago and do something. Well this is what we do in Chicago, we skate."

John shook his head "Okay if you say so"

Evangeline tossed him his jacket and put on hers, "Now lets go and you need an extra pair of socks!"

He laughed and retrieved a pair. She winked at him and led into the wintry blast to do something he would never do, but of course with his need to help her he'd do anything.

They rode to the park and he smiled at how well she drove on the icy roads. She pointed out different places as they went and told him of things that she and Charlotte did for fun. Every now and then her voice would crack and he would help talk her through it. He felt renewed being there for her. He felt as if they were discovering each other again.

Evangeline found a place to park and they paid the attendant. Getting out of the car in the cold John looked up into the thickly clouded gray sky and thought it was fitting for the mood of the day.

He pulled her to him and put his arm around her shoulder. She didn't hug him back and he understood although felt a little disappointment that she was so reserved with him. They raced up the steps to the front gate and walked the winding iron gate to the front attendant paying for admission then going inside to rent their skates.

John frowned the entire time and Evangeline had to get down and lace them up for him. John saw the kids rushing to the rink and gliding across the ice. "This has to be easy" he mumbled.

Evangeline looked up and smiled "You scared?"  
He cut his eyes "Of course not just cold that's all"  
Evangeline stood up and grabbed his gloved hands. "Okay it's really easy, it's all a balance game." She said smiling pulling him to make him step. John walked toward her and his ankle turned in the skate awkwardly making him loose balance. Evangeline giggled and forced him back up steadily. "Let's go baby" she said sweetly and he smiled at her calling him that.

Helping him onto the ice he shivered some finding it even cooler now on the frozen floor. Evangeline glided backwards still holding both his hands and pulling him along. He took high steps with her at first and then tried to glide. Evangeline smiled at how he was improving and it warmed him to see her smile again. Loosing focus his feet began to shuffle and he kicked through it flapping his arms like a chicken. Evangeline reached for him trying to help him steady himself and he pulled her down with him as he came crashing down on the ice.

She landed on his chest and burst out laughing as ice-skaters went around them. John winced when his butt hit the hard cold floor but open his eyes to see her grinning up in his face. Her face full of life and angelic made him touch her. She didn't notice the affectionate touch and tried to pull at him. "Can you stand?" she asked giggling.

He shook his head and they tried several times to rise falling again and again. They both laughed as a little boy skated over asking if they were okay. They laughed even harder. Finally she was able to get up and steady herself then pull him off the ice.

"Can we go now?" he asked his butt and back now sore.  
Evangeline pouted "But I haven't skated yet"  
John smiled "I will wait over there and you have at it" he said walking carefully away as skaters went flying past him. She watched him go and thought about the dates they used to share. How he would do what she wanted attending ballets and tennis matches to make her happy. It wasn't always bad between them. Why did it all go so wrong?"

He sat down and looked at her and she waved then slid across the ice. He watched her skate and saw her hair blowing from under her cap behind her as she glided and then twirled around going down in a crouch like position then spinning faster with both her arms raised above her head as she rose. He had no idea she was this good but wasn't surprised by this vision before him. She was good at whatever she did.

On the ice she laughed with him and he felt a sense of relief. He didn't want her to slip into darkness. He knew all to well what darkness was like. Feeling his phone vibrate on his hip he pulled it free. Looking at it he saw it was the Chicago PD.

"Hello"  
"John?" Barnaby said in an aggravated tone  
"Yeah…"  
"Where are you? HR said they didn't get all of your paperwork and you were to do a drug screening today."  
"A friend of mine needed me" he said looking back on the ice as Evangeline raced with some kids laughing at them trying to keep up.

"Well you asked me for a job…so you need to take that seriously"  
John frowned "I will be in tomorrow. Today something else is more important" he snapped closing his phone. He hadn't forgotten that Barnaby is connected to his dad's killer and he didn't want to forget. But today was about Evangeline and he would be here for her until she needed for him to leave.

Evangeline skated over to him out of breath "Whew! That was so much fun!" she said breathing out icy smoke and rubbing her gloved hands together.

"Hungry?" he asked  
"Famished" she said smiling  
John stood wobbly "Lets go..'

Sitting down in a small Thai restaurant Evangeline pulled off her gloves and her hat shaking off the cold. John removed his gloves looking into her face. She seemed alive again. "So this ice skating thing, exactly how good are you?"

She laughed and looked up at him. "I competed when I was younger"  
John shook his head "Is there anything you haven't done?"  
She shrugged "Don't know…doubt it"

He laughed and they ordered food. Eating and talking about Llanview he told her of the latest on everyone and how happy he was about the elopement of his brother.

"Why did you stop therapy John?" Evangeline asked  
John looked at her not the least bit shocked that she knew he did "I needed something more"  
"More?"  
"Yes…I needed closure. I came to Chicago for that reason"  
She nodded and accepted her drink "That's right for your father"  
John smiled softly "Yes the man that killed him is here."  
"Oh god…"  
He looked up at her "It's something that has to be done Van"  
"What is?"  
"Justice…."  
Evangeline looked away. "I understand that now. I want justice for what was done to Char and nothing will stop me from getting it" she said in bitterness.

"You do understand that justice and revenge is not the same thing" he asked tenderly reaching for her hand. Evangeline looked at his hand over hers and then into his eyes. "For me they will be"

John shook his head "Learn from my mistakes baby, don't be consumed by it. We can find her killer and make sure he pays for what he did but you have to keep perspective."

Evangeline pulled her hand away. "I'm not you! I have perspective"  
John looked at her sadly "Inside you're still very mad at me aren't you?"  
She avoided his eyes and refused to answer him. He studied her reaction and knew the answer anyway. "I hurt you badly and for that I'm sorry"  
"That's in the past" she said dismissively.

"No its part of our future Evangeline, If we have any hope of being real friends we need to address the past and move on. The first thing I want to do is apologize to you"

Evangeline looked up into his eyes a little surprised "Apologize?" she said confused  
"You were right about me on so many levels. I treated you horribly and behaved selfishly. I'm so sorry for all the things I did and I wish I could do it all over again starting with telling you the truth." 

"John…..thank you, it means a lot to hear you say that."

He smiled weakly and the waiter brought their food. Looking back into her face he saw her eyes glistening as she reached across the table for his hand and he took hers. "I know we have changed and we are different people now, but I mean it when I say I want your friendship"

John looked at her "What if I was to tell you I wanted more. What if I was to tell you that you were wrong about one of the most important things you believed when it came to you and me?"

"Like what?"  
"You were wrong in believing that I didn't love you. I've always loved you" he said bringing her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckles softly.

She looked at his kiss and then to his eyes. "I would say that for a long time I longed to hear you say that. I needed you so badly to return the love that I gave to you so freely, but now…."

"Are you saying it's too late for us Van? Are you saying that you don't love me?" he asked his voice cracking.

She smiled and a single tear fell from her eye. "Oh I love you and I always will John. I just don't think your words are enough to make me vulnerable enough to be in love with you" 

John stared at her disappointed. "You're still in love with me Van, I feel it. I see it in the way you look at me. I tasted it in the breakfast you cooked for me. I know you baby and this is far from over between us."

Evangeline shook her head sadly "You know what changed it for me John, what made me put a shield over my heart when it came to you. Why I walked away and didn't put up a fight for us."

"What?" he asked confused.  
"You hurt me when the KC kidnapping happened and I received little comfort from you…."  
"I can explain…"  
"Wait John that's not it. You hurt me but I still inside believed that you loved me. What changed it for me is when you took her to bed. When you moved her into your place and paraded her around town in my face with little regard to how it killed me inside. You knew how people in that town snickered at me. The whispers that I would hear in the station when I arrived, you heard them too….yet my feelings were never important to you"

John breathed in deeply and tried to keep control but she was killing him with her version of their love. The real version of their love for him was something different. He looked down into his vegetable noodle plate and tried to digest what she was saying.

Evangeline saw she was hurting him but felt it was necessary for him to know how he hurt her. "You always thought of me as tough, you took liberties with my feelings because you felt I could handle it. I watched you sacrifice and bend for every person in that town but me. Finally I got it John. Finally I saw the truth…"

"Stop this Evangeline…." John said unable to listen anymore.  
"No, you listen to my pain. You see what your love that you claim you had for me all along did to me…"she said grabbing his hand and forcing him to look back at her.

John looked at her with tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry..."  
"I believe you, I even forgive you…but I don't trust you. You are here to face demons well I'm one of them. So here's the truth…when I learned of the DNA result cover-up I saw that you were selfish and that all along you were putting yourself first. Not me and not Natalie. I saw it and I was destroyed by it. It shattered my belief in the type of man you were. And it made me question myself for loving you still. Now you are here at the worst moment of my life, supporting me and putting me first…"

John looked in her face and she smiled at him. "John I want to fall into your arms so badly. I need you so deeply that just a look from you makes me weak, but I still wonder if giving in to those desires feed your selfish needs. If it feeds your hero need to save me. If it feeds your insecurities to not be alone."

"My feelings are real!" he snapped  
"So are mine!" she said letting go of his hand "And you don't get off that easy. If you want my trust, then you'll earn it. If you want my love…"  
"I do"  
"Then you'll earn that too. Because I'll never let you hurt me the way you did before. You had all of that which you seek and you didn't know what to do with it. I'm not sure you do at this point or think you do, but until I know that this isn't just about you John I won't give into my feelings for you"

John stared at her and he saw the love in her eyes. It was all he needed to see. "It's a burden loving me isn't it Van?"

"Burden?" she asked frowning.  
"Sure, I come broken to you and closed off making our love complicated when it should just be about our feelings."

"I wouldn't call my love for you over the years a burden, because I got some things that I needed from it. I felt the passion you had for me. But if it is a burden to love you its one that I don't regret, I will never regret what we shared, the good or the bad." She said smiling at him.

He smiled too and they finally began to eat with the purple elephant out of the room. It was a new beginning for them. Maybe not what he'd dreamed their reunion would be, but it was a start. She showed him her pain and it was hard to see, but he finally saw that she was just as human as he was. He treated her like some kind of iron princess and always felt that she could take care of herself. He was right that she was a survivor, but she was also a woman.

How could he have missed that? Well he knew the truth now and she would know the depths and lengths he is going to go through to win her back. And this time when he has her he'll never let her go. She smiled up at him picking up her noodles and he winked. It was definitely a new beginning.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Burden of Love: I know him...**

by tarskeewee08

Walking in the door they laughed at his failure to skate. Evangeline dropped her purse and flapped her arms making the facial expression that John had before he went to the ground. He chased after her to stop her and she turned running and laughing toward her room. John caught her and lifted her from the ground while she squealed and fought him. He tickled her and she pulled his hair playfully causing them to fall on the sofa. He landed on her and they both laughed looking at each other.

Soon their laughter stopped and he was overcome with the familiar feeling of her being pinned beneath him. Her breath escaped her and blew across his lips and he could smell the vanilla lotion she used on her skin. Wanting her desperately he made no move to free her and he could feel her heart beating through her breast. 

"Ummm John you going to let me up?" she chuckled nervously  
"Oh sorry" he said reluctantly rising. Evangeline moved from under him and sat up. She looked at him somewhat embarrassed. He liked that because it meant she felt it too.

"Well I guess I'll go shower" she said rising from the couch.

John grabbed her wrist stopping her "You know that I want you"  
Evangeline looked down at him. "Yes I can tell you still want me, we never had a problem in that area."

He let go of her wrist "Sorry if I crossed the line"  
Evangeline looked down at him and smiled at his shyness with her. "Its okay John, and if you want to go back to your hotel…."  
"No! I mean no I'd like to stay if you don't mind"

She smiled "Well if you're going to stay why don't you sleep in the guest room and give the couch a break"  
John nodded "Yeah my back can't handle it"  
She laughed walking away "I bet"

He watched the sway of her hips as she left and could still smell her scent in the air. Sighing he fell back on the sofa and closed his eyes trying to recall the feeling of her. It had been a long time since he felt her. Even the memory of dream had faded. He knew it was selfish to want her physically, especially after everything they discussed today but he was a man. A man in love.

Listening he heard the shower and opened his eyes. Showers where his favorite and he fought the urge to make a fool of himself by trying to join her. Clenching his fist he rose to his feet and grabbed his things to go to the spare bedroom. Opening the door he smelled the cinnamon potpourri in the rounded dish floating in water. The walls were a cinnamon brown and so was the comforter sprinkled with red patchwork. John dropped his bag and went to the closet opening it.

He smiled to see it stuffed with her clothes and shoes. His baby had more clothes and shoes than anyone he'd known. He turned and looked at the photos that were on top of the night stand. Going to them he picked each one up studying it. He saw Nora and Layla posed with her in different settings. A picture of her with her mom and sister in their Sunday best and then he saw one of a pretty young black woman. It was Charlotte, she and Evangeline looked younger hugging each other tightly. Why didn't he know of her?

Placing the photo back down it occurred to him, when they were together he never questioned her much about her life or who her friends were before she came to Llanview. He spent most of his energies chasing behind Natalie and fighting with her trying to explain his divided loyalties. There's so much he didn't know about her.

Taking off his shirt he tossed it to the bed and blew out a breath. A cold shower could bring him some relief. At least he hoped so.

Opening his eyes in the dark room he looked up at the ceiling frustrated that he still couldn't sleep. Turning his head he looked at the digital clock and it read 3:45 am.

Earlier after his shower he sat in the living room with her watching the news. They had a news story on Charlotte and the blood drained from her face as they showed the high profile case of Cletus Jones release where Charlotte shoved reporters out of their way and Evangeline kept her arm around Cletus trying to get him through the crowd.

"You said she was working on his case again?" John asked

Evangeline nodded watching Charlotte giving an interview telling the reporters that her client was a victim and that she would fight the corrupt justice system in Chicago with her dying breath. The words were so prophetic. 

"Cletus is a troubled kid John but Charlotte believed in him. I was at the station to get Barnaby to explain the charges. That department has been gunning for him since his release. He would never kill cops"

John nodded and listened as she explained the case. She ended it with the phone call she got from Charlotte saying that Cletus grandmother said he was working for some man. She just remembered that part then. They both vowed in the morning to follow up on that lead. After the news went off she told him goodnight and he watched her go to her room. He tried not to stare at her curves through her satin robe and looked back at the TV instead. But now he couldn't sleep at the thought of her.

Reaching over he pinched himself to make sure he was awake. He just couldn't go through that again. Sighing he pushed up from the bed and opened the bedroom door. Walking out into the dark hall he headed to the bathroom. Going pass her bedroom he heard whimpering. He stopped and looked at her door that was slightly ajar.

Going to it he turned the knob slowly and pushed it gently open. She was under her covers curled up crying. "Evangeline?"  
She looked up surprised "John what is it?" she asked in a trembling voice wiping her face.  
"What's wrong?" he said walking in.  
"I had a nightmare" she said softly.  
John went to the bed and sat on the edge of it and she sat up swiping her hair from her face. 

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?"  
"Charlotte being choked begging for her life and I couldn't stop it"  
"Oh baby" he said reaching for her. He pulled her into his arms and she hugged him crying desperately into his chest.

She wasn't in her robe and the spaghetti strap satin thin camisole she slept in fell from her shoulders exposing her more to him than she intended. He tried to ignore the contact of her breast against his chest as she cried. Rubbing her back he closed his eyes and swallowed hard. 

Evangeline let go of him and fixed the front of her nightgown scooting away. "I'm okay really" she said embarrassed.  
"Do you want me to hold you until you go back to sleep"  
She looked at him and frowned "That's not neccess…."  
"It's not a problem Van and I know how you feel. Let me be there for you"  
She smiled and pulled back her covers "Okay" she said softly.

John climbed into bed with her as she lay on her side. He pulled her to his chest and fought the erection that lingered from the roundness of her butt pressing against him. He moved her hair from her face and stroked her arm. She closed her eyes and sighed.

Within minutes she was asleep but he wasn't. He lay on his propped up elbow and watched her breathe listening to her light snore. She shifted and turned over to her back now deep in sleep and oblivious to him lying next to her. He moved back some to give her room and smiled down in her face.

Moving the sheet he gazed down to the front of her gown that once again had fallen from her shoulder exposing her left breast to him. He stared at her caramel colored skin and dark chocolate nipples and recalled how many times in the past he had access to them. Cutting his eyes he pulled the sheet back up to see her looking in his face. He blinked at her shocked to be caught.

"You should go…" she said staring into his eyes.  
"I know…" he said making no move to leave. He watched her face for indication that it was okay for him to touch her and just before he acted on his urges she turned over pulling the sheet to her. "Go John"

John sighed and climbed out of bed. He walked over to the door and looked back at her but she didn't watch him leave. Sadly he walked out of the room.

John heard her in the kitchen again and saw it was 7:14 am. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes. He slept with a stiff penis all night and it ached for her. Rubbing out the soreness the door flew open forcing him to cover himself quickly. Evangeline looked at him and frowned. "You okay?"

He blushed "Yeah…time to get up?"  
She nodded. "I think we should go to the station and you can take care of your business, but I want you to go with me to see Cletus grandmother."

John nodded. "I will get dressed."  
Evangeline stared at him. "You sure you're okay?"   
He smiled "I'm fine baby"  
"Okay…also I will have to home for the funeral. Ummm….would you like to umm"  
"Yes I want to come"  
She looked at him. "The last time we went home it was sort of rough."  
He winked at her "I can handle it." 

She smiled relieved. She was leaning on him more and more and it felt good. It helped. "Perfect!" she said bouncing out her hair flowing around her shoulders.

He laughed at almost getting caught and got up from the bed. He was glad she was letting him in but this slow process was tougher than FBI entrance exam at Quantico.

They walked into the station and it was all a buzz with activity from a large arrest at a hip hop concert last night. Apparently a fight broke out at the United Center and the police dragged over 200 teens kicking and screaming to jail. Inside were angry parents and friends screaming for the release of their loved ones.

Evangeline pushed her way through the crowd and John marveled at how different life in Chicago would be as an officer. Breaking through they headed to the back of the station. John came along side of her. "Why don't you go see Cletus? He may be able to give you some info on what Charlotte was looking into" 

Evangeline smiled at him. "I like the way you think Lt." she said smiling.  
He smiled at her "I'm going to see Barnaby. Meet me back here in the bullpen"  
She nodded and walked away and he grabbed her hand. She looked back at him. "If it gets to tough I'm here okay?"

She smiled softly "Okay" she said squeezing his hand and walking away. He watched her walk away as Barnaby came up behind him. "So that's why you haven't been in hunh?"

John turned around and looked at him. "Stay out of it"  
Barnaby shrugged "Hey….she's a beaut and her partner wasn't bad either"  
"Your point?" John said turning and getting in his face. Barnaby frowned at the display of hostility "What is going on with you son?"

John stared into Barnaby's eyes and wanted to get into it with him about Ryan O'Reilly but something told him to hold onto his trump card. He needed access to this station. "Sorry it's been rough for her and I've been helping her. Guess I'm a little tense"

Barnaby touched his shoulder affectionately. "Hey I understand. Let's go and get you situated so we can stop things like that from happening to other women"

John nodded and walked away with him still fighting the urge to break the hand that touched him.

Evangeline sat in the room waiting for them to bring Cletus out to her. She saw him coming through the glass window in an orange jumpsuit shackled by his wrist and feet. He came through the door and she saw how badly beaten his face was. "Oh my god" Jumping up she went to him and touched his face. She glared at the guard that escorted him. "Did you do this!" she hissed

He rolled his eyes "You got 30 minutes!" he snapped walking out.

Cletus looked up at her out of his one good eye "Hey Ms. Williamson"   
"Cletus who did this to you?"  
"I can't say mam, it will just make it worse" he said lowering his head.  
She led him to the table and sat him down in a chair. "Cletus I'm going to help you"

He looked at her crying "Is it true what the guards say? Ms. Pryce is dead?" he asked his lip quivering. The question was a blow to Evangeline and she stood up and backed away. "Yes Cletus it's true"

She watched his body shake with tears and hugged herself. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to face all of this without Charlotte. Pacing in front of him she listened to him cry unable to comfort him because she remained in her own hell. Finally she stopped. "Cletus she said you were working for a man and she was going to check him out."

Cletus looked up at her "Who told her that!"  
"Your grandmother….who is this man"  
"How did grandmother know?"   
"Cletus what kind of work were you doing? Tell me!"  
"I just wanted to make some money to help us move out of the projects."

Evangeline walked over and sat on the edge of the table. "What did you do?"  
Cletus raised his bruised face to hers. "I watched people"  
Evangeline frowned. "Watched people?"  
Cletus looked over at the dark plexy glass window that had a mirror reflection of them. "Can they hear me?" he asked scared.

Evangeline looked up. "Not when you're with me….its safe to talk Cletus I swear"  
He nodded "I watched cops."  
What he said shocked her. He was known for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and that is why he was wrongfully pinned for that armed robbery, but this?

"Why would you watch cops?" she asked confused.  
"It's what O'Reilly wanted. He gave me certain cops and I was to shadow them and tell him their routines that's all."

"I thought it was easy…I mean they were cops…it was cool watching them. O'Reilly even gave me a car to drive"

Evangeline chewed on her bottom lip. "Why do they think you killed those cops Cletus?"  
"I was going to watch Office Thomas, every night around 8 he would leave his rounds and go to his girlfriend house in Villa Park. When I got there I got out of my car and went inside. The apartment across from hers was empty and I hung out there so I could listen to them." 

Evangeline frowned at the story, it just sounded too ridiculous to be true, which meant it probably was.

Cletus frowned "I got up there and saw the door to her apartment cracked. It seemed weird so I went to it and it kind of pushed open. I walked inside and that's when I saw him on the floor bleeding. I walked over and the gun was on the floor so I picked it up as his girlfriend came in screaming. She took off running and I tried to stop her…."

Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Oh sweet Jesus Cletus!"  
"I didn't do it! But the cops they found my pad with all my notes on cops. I had no idea the cops I reported back to O'Reilly were dead!"

Evangeline got up. "Cletus….do you know how bad this is! And now this O'Reilly is probably who killed Charlotte!"

"I'm so sorry Ms. Williamson I love Charlotte" he said crying.

Her heart breaking she went to him and pulled him to his chest. "It's okay we will figure it out!"

John came out of the HR office and saw Detective Grey in the chief's office arguing with Barnaby. He stopped and frowned. Barnaby noticed him staring and went to the blinds pulling them down. John found that extremely strange but before making another move he heard the click of his lady love heels as she approached.

Her face was strained and she looked as if she'd been crying. "What is it?"  
"It's bad John"  
"Did he tell you who Charlotte went to see?"  
"Yes and I'm pretty sure that I know who the SOB is that is killing these cops. I think he used Cletus as some kind of cover…"

Before she said more Barnaby's door flew open and Detective Grey came storming out. Evangeline immediately went to him. "Detective….can we talk" 

The detective stopped with the folder in his hand. "Actually Ms. Williamson we got a possible lead so please come with me." He said walking to his office. Evangeline looked back at John for him to come and Barnaby sneered at him as he left and followed her.

They walked into the detective's office and Evangeline sat down. "Is it the DNA evidence?"

"The DNA evidence has been contaminated." He said sitting behind his desk. "But the navigation system gave us an address."

"Wait..what do you mean contaminated?" John asked

Grey shrugged "I just left the chief's office and he says his hands are tied. Somehow the sample was tampered with and I can't figure out how. I am extremely pissed at this"

"What about the navigation system?" Evangeline asked  
"She went to a Margaret O'Rielly's place" he said.  
John narrowed his eyes on detective Grey "O'Reilly?"  
"Yeah apparently Margaret is dead so the place is being lived in by her son Ryan O'Reilly an ex bank-robber" 

Evangeline nodded since that confirmed what she learned from Cletus. John's face, however, turned as white as a ghost. Evangeline looked over at him. "What is it John?"

John looked at her in shock "I know him…."


	7. Chapter 7

**The Burden of Love: Something in Common**

by tarskeewee08

"What do you mean you know him?" Evangeline asked frowning.  
"Yes…how do you know Ryan O'Reilly?" Detective Grey asked curious.

"A cold case from years ago" John said then turned to Evangeline touching her hand " Let's go!"

"What?" she asked confused "Wait I have some information on Cletus"

John stood up and grabbed her arm. "We need to talk and you shouldn't share anything about Cletus case with the department until you investigate it further you know that" he said forcing her to come with him.

Detective Grey rose from his seat. "Wait a minute this is my investigation and if she knows something I want to know it"

Evangeline pulled away from him "John what is wrong with you…We need to get this guy!" she snapped

John moved into her space "I need you to trust me right now. Walk out of this door and keep your mouth shut. I can explain it to you once we are out of the station"

Evangeline searched his eyes and saw the desperate urgency in them. She looked over at the Detective that was fuming and glaring at them. "Okay…" she said turning to leave. John turned to follow but Grey grabbed his arm. "Who side are you on? You work for us now!" he hissed

John snatched his arm away. "I suggest you bring in O'Reilly for questioning. I will meet with you later to discuss this I don't want Evangeline involved. Oh and don't ever touch me like that again…"

Grey frowned and stepped back. "I get it you want my case!"  
John rolled his eyes and stormed out. Evangeline was waiting on him confused as Barnaby came out of his office "John we got some things for you to sink your teeth into."

"It'll have to wait" John snapped grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the bullpen. Barnaby watched them leave angrily. He glanced over at Grey who was standing outside of his office. "Grey get in here now!" he snapped walking back in.

Evangeline sat across from John watching him drive. It was 20 degrees outside but he was in the car sweating. "Okay start talking" she said staring at him.

John looked at her and then shook his head sadly "First you tell me everything Cletus told you and don't leave anything out" 

Evangeline recounted Cletus's bizarre story of watching cops for O'Reilly and then discovering the body of Officer Thomas. John drove in silence giving no response and it increasingly agitated her. "John tell me what is going on. Why didn't you want me to tell the detective what I knew….this could exonerate Cletus."

"It won't help him yet" John said shaking his head.  
"Why?"  
"Because Ryan O'Reilly is the man that killed my father. He's the reason I came to Chicago and I think Barnaby is protecting him." 

Evangeline frowned and watched his face. How could this be possible? "Are you sure it's the same man John?"

John turned the next corner and found an Office Park to pull the car into so they could stop and talk. Putting the car in park he turned and looked at her. "I haven't put it altogether but Charlotte stumbled on something and was killed for it. Cletus is being used to cover it up and all roads lead to Barnaby"

"Well we got him on the navigation system that should be enough to get a warrant to search his place" Evangeline said confidently.

He looked at her beautiful face seeing the hope in her eyes. "No sweetie, if the DNA evidence was tampered with its Barnaby, which means he is tipping O'Reilly off. By the time we get into his place there will be no traces of Charlotte and we won't have anything."

"Don't say that! We can't just give up!" she shouted at him her face crumbling.  
He touched her face tenderly "You know me…I never give up"  
Evangeline pressed her cheek into his hand and closed her eyes. "What do we do now?"  
"I need to get inside of Barnaby's squad….find out what cops are on the take for him and which ones I can trust. I think Grey may be one of them but I'm not sure."

"No I have to help!" Evangeline said aching at the thought of him going in deep with corrupt cops.  
"I won't let you get hurt"  
"Don't treat me like a china doll….I can handle myself' she said defensively.

John smiled at her "Fine, why don't you go see Cletus grandmother. Find out how she knew about O'Reilly, you said Cletus was surprised when you mentioned her"

Evangeline nodded "He was….I don't think he revealed any of it to her. But she was definitely the person that tipped Charlotte off"

John put the car in reverse. "I will head back to the station and you pick me up when you are done for the day."

"John…"  
Looking over at her he raised an eyebrow "Yes"  
"Their hurting him, please find a way to protect him….those cops are beating him and I couldn't take it if something happens to him too. Charlotte gave her life trying to save him."

"I promise I'll make sure he's okay" he said hitting the break throwing the car back into park. Reaching for her face he pulled her swiftly to him and kissed her. She blinked surprised and started to pull back but relaxed and allowed his tongue in her mouth. Closing her eyes to the sweetness of his kiss she grabbed the back of his head and met his kiss with just as much intensity.

When he'd taken as much of her as he could handle he pulled away and looked in her face "I know we're in a strange place now, but I love you so very much and I would give my life to protect you."

Evangeline smiled "I know John and I believe you. Thank you for helping me"  
"Helping you helps me. Like I said to you in my dreams….we're two sides of the same coin. Time, distance and pain have all tried to separate us, but we remained attached to each other through it all"

Evangeline frowned "Your dreams?"

He let go of her face and blushed "I'll tell you about them sometime." He said softly. Evangeline nodded and sat back as he headed to the station. She just couldn't get over the fact that the man that killed her beloved friend could be the same man that killed his father. How strange life is. All of the burdens and tragedies that haunt us can only be resolved through love.

Looking over at him she smiled lightly. And oh how she loved him. He was back in her life and he was different, she was his priority. With each day she saw it, and felt it. For them it was a new experience, something neither could have anticipated. Even knowing that now she was so very weary of trusting in it. The kiss was sweet, and she saw the heated stares he gave her.

In the night he had gazed over her body and she knew what she wanted. It's what he always wanted when she was near him. Sex for him wasn't just physical; it was the one place where he allowed himself to be as expressive as possible with his love and desires. Which is why it killed her that he slept with Natalie.

That may be unreasonable and she definitely knew that to have anything with him she would need to get passed it, but her heart wouldn't let go of it. How could she give herself to him after he'd walked away from her and took that woman to bed? Her eyes teared and John looked over at her.

"You thinking of Charlotte?"  
Evangeline looked over at him sadly "Yea…I'm thinking of Char" she said lying.

John nodded "It will get easier with time Van, the pain never goes away but you learn to live with it"

Evangeline looked away and wiped her tears. What about their pain? Will their pain ever go away? Can they ever get back what they'd lost to his demons and her fears? Watching the snow covered trees pass them by as they came back up the street to the station she sighed. Right now the focus was getting this O'Reilly character, she wouldn't entertain anything else but that.

John parked the car and touched her hand. "I'll be waiting on you. Call me if anything out of the ordinary happens."

She nodded and reached over to hug him. He hugged her back and bumped foreheads with her. "We will make him pay and we'll do it together"

With that said he got out of the car. She looked out the front window to see him run out in front of her car popping his collar on his leather jacket and sticking his hands in his pockets. He paused and looked inside at her winking. She smiled lightly back and watched him run across the street into the station. Once he disappeared she let go of her tears. Crying for them both this time, she was exhausted by all the emotions racing through her. Most of all she wanted him back, she wanted to be his again so desperately.  
Yet the truth was the betrayal of him loving another woman after loving her was too much on her heart. She was just too scared.

This was the first time she had alone since Charlotte died and she took it to grieve reflecting on her and lost love. Sliding over to the driver's seat she pulled away from the curb and drove to Cletus grandmother's place determined to at least avenge Charlotte's death and worry about her heart later.

John walked down the hall and saw Barnaby behind his closed door on his phone. He turned and went to Detective Grey's office. Grey looked up at him and frowned when he approached. "What do you want?"

John closed the door. "To talk"  
"Oh so now you want to talk since your girlfriend is out of here" he said bitterly.  
"Do you really have the time to pout? Especially with this case weighing on you." John asked shaking his head.

Detective Grey sat back in his chair. "We have O'Reilly in lock up"   
John's eyes lit up "You what?"  
"And Barnaby gave me specific orders….you aren't to be anywhere near this case! He says it's personal for you, which explains a lot!"

John glared at him "I'm the new Lt. of this department and you work for me! I'll be involved in this case…"

"The Superintendent said no and we both work for him!" Grey snapped.   
John rose from his chair. "Well we will see about that" walking out of Grey's office he slammed the door behind him. 

Barnaby looked up to see John blow into his office slamming his door. Sitting back he narrowed his eyes on him. "What the hell is wrong with you storming into my office like that?"

"Why did you tell one of my detectives to keep me out of the loop of his case?" John asked glaring at him.

"Son, are you mad? You haven't put in a full day of work in this station since I offered you the job. This ain't LPD, we have protocols we adhere to!" 

"Bullshit!" John hissed clenching his fist.

Barnaby looked him up and down. "This is all about your vendetta against O'Reilly and I told you that you want be using my department for it!" he shouted pounding his fist on the table.

John tried to calm himself. Swallowing he let go of his murderous rage at the man who could be the reason his fathers dead and tried to play this the right way. "Listen, I appreciate what you've done. I mean getting me a job here and tolerating my tantrums is way above the call of friendship"

"You are my best friend's son. I loved Thomas, John I would do anything to help him and you" Barnaby said his face softening.

John nodded working hard to contain himself. "Yes….but you know I've been through a lot over the years and I need desperately to feel useful."

Barnaby watched him and John went to take a seat in the chair across from his desk. "That's why I want in on every case in this department including O'Reilly, under your leadership I won't loose my way and I'll report everything to you. I just need this closure." 

Barnaby rubbed his jaw and John knew he was sizing him up. Waiting out the tension in the air he tried to play down his need for revenge. Barnaby sighed "I am keeping you on a short leash, but you do have a point. You can't gain the respect of your men if I undermine you. Go ahead Lt. but remember I will be watching." 

John stood up and extended his hand. Barnaby accepted it glad that the tension between them was gone. John shook his smiling slyly "I promise you Barnaby, you made the right decision"

Evangeline was on the west side of Chicago to the Jane Adams projects, the roughest projects on that side of town. She drove through the desolate projects passing groups of thugs huddled near garbage cans with make shift fires keeping warm as they sold their poison to the suburbians that dared to venture into this side of town.

A thug leaned over and looked in her car and Evangeline slid her hand over to the lock button makiking sure her doors were locked. She kept going and he threw his cup at the car cursing at her. She looked in the rearview mirror to see him grab himself gyrating after her as his friends burst into laughter.

Rolling her eyes she kept driving until she got to Cletus grandmothers building. She wasn't intimidated by this place and frequented it quite often with Char, but today she was so heart sick she dreaded getting out of the car.

Evangeline stepped out into the cold holding onto the front of her trench as the wind blew her hair into her face. A young woman in a black bubbled jacket pushed a baby in a umbrella stroller down the side walk. Evangeline eyes met with hers, the girl popped her gum and kept going. Evangeline frowned that she had the baby out in this weather but was at least grateful the kid was dressed warm.

Walking around her car to the sidewalk a 84 Cutlass Supreme with spinning wheels slowed down playing some vile hip hop song. "Damn, hoe where you headed!" the driver called out. Evangeline didn't bother to acknowledge it and kept going. She entered the door which hung on barely by the top hinge and pushed inside. The smell of piss and mildew assaulted her as he she headed up the stairs avoiding the graffiti stained walls going toward the third floor. She could hear music blaring in one apartment and a baby screaming in another.

Coming on the landing to third floor she found a man passed out apparently drunk and reeking of the gutter he dwelled in. Covering her nose with her gloved hand she stepped over him and walked toward Ms. Jones place. Knocking she looked around and could see the despair that would force young Cletus to try to hustle a way out of this hell hole.

Marbel Jones a 72 year old silver head petite woman opened the door with the chain on it. Evangeline smiled into her face "Hi Marbel it's me"

Closing the door she heard her free the chain and waited as the old women pulled it open. Marbel grabbed Evangeline's hand and pulled her inside. She went immediately into her arms. "Oh baby I'm so very sorry. Oh lord have mercy I'm so very sorry"

Evangeline hugged her back and blinked off her tears "Thanks Marbel….thanks"   
"Come right in" she said double bolting the door and putting the chain on it. Evangeline walked into the comfy home taking off her trench.

That's the thing about urban living….outside you saw the hell but as a people living in poverty, extra care was taken to make inside comfortable. Her house smelled of baked bread and her sofas had crocheted doilies on the back and arms of it. The walls were lined with pictures of her children most lost to Chicago violence. Cletus dad was _Vice Lord_ and is serving two consecutive life sentences for Murder and Rape. Marbel had suffered a lot but loosing Cletus would be the final blow.

The 35 inch TV up against the wall in the living room was playing One Life to Live and Evangeline could see she was sitting down to her lunch.

Walking inside she sat on the soft tan sofa and watched Marbel shuffle inside wiping her hands on her purple house dress. "I saw on the news what happened to that sweet baby and I just want to say that I feel horribly."

Evangeline nodded "Marbel you spoke to her that day didn't you?"  
She nodded "I did I called her to tell her that I had a strange visit"   
Evangeline looked at her "What kind of visit?"  
Marbel chewed on her bottom lip "Baby do you want something to drink?"   
"No mam I'm fine…..what kind of visit did you have?"

"A man came said he was Cletus boss and he needed to get some things"   
"Boss?" Evangeline asked  
"Yes….he said his name was Ryan O'Reilly and he gave me a card. He told me that Cletus had some things including that car he was driving around here….I asked that boy where he get that car and he said he had a job doing deliveries so I believed the man"

"Where's the card?"   
"I gave it to Charlotte baby….she said she was going to see him."  
Evangeline looked around. "You let him in Cletus room?"  
"I did"  
"What did he take?"  
"A black bag and some kind of notebook"

Evangeline shook her head sadly. Marbel looked at her "How is my baby? I know you got a lot going on with Charlotte's death but she believed in Cletus. Will you help him now?"

Evangeline nodded and reached over to touch her hand. "Can I check Cletus room?"  
Marbel nodded "Sure thing baby and I'm going to fix you some lunch, you don't look good"

Evangeline smiled and rose going down the hall to the bedroom. She pushed open the door and the walls were lined with pictures of cars with DUB as the header for most. There were also big pictures of Tupac and Biggie Smalls. She walked over to his dresser and saw cigars for making blunts and the remnants of marijuana seeds which meant Cletus was smoking weed again.

Sucking her teeth she went through the draws finding little. Going to the closet she checked and saw nothing. Ready to give up she looked up to see a shoe box. Reaching for it she took it over to the twin bed and sat down. Inside were photographs of different officers on Polaroid's. She pulled out a paper with officer's names and times to follow. Evangeline didn't understand what she had, but she knew it was important.

Rising she rushed back out into the living room. "Marbel I have to go."  
"Wait baby I got something for you to eat"  
Evangeline saw the loneliness on her face then looked at her watch. She had time and she knew what grief and sadness can do to you. Marbel needed what John was providing for her. A friend. 

"Sure thing…lets eat" she said smiling and sitting down.

John came down the hall with Grey on his heels debriefing him. Turning the corner he barely heard a word the man said. His heart was pumping at the expectation of seeing him again.

_The man that killed his father._

Turning the knob he opened the door and his eyes locked with the monster that haunted his dreams. John smiled and stepped inside.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Burden of Love: Why would you help me?**

by tarskeewee08

"I ain't got shit to say!" Ryan yelled at John as he closed the door.

John stared at the man he'd been dying to meet for years. He was at least 6 foot five and extremely fit to be in his early sixties. He wore a scraggly reddish brown beard that covered the bottom portion of his face making him appear like a Santa Clause reject.

His blondish brown curly hair was attached to his this sideburns and hung around his neck but the top portion of his head reflected his true age as the hair was thinning and balding. He wore a red and blue lumberjack shirt with the sleeves rolled up around his biceps.

John pulled the chair to him and turned it around so he could straddle it backwards facing the man he's hated for so long. "Talk real tough for a man that gets off on beating and strangling defenseless women for kicks"

Ryan cut his eyes not acknowledging the comment. Detective Grey remained leaning against the wall and watched John do his work. He was somewhat intimidated about this process and preferred that John take the lead. John saw Ryan was confident in his silence so he went for softer spots. He opened his folder and went through it. "So tell me Ryan, did mommy keep you on the tit too long?"

"Shut the fuck up about my mum!" Ryan seethed.  
John raised an eyebrow "Ouch…I guess hit a nerve. Interesting. So you killed Charlotte Pryce because your mommy didn't hug you enough?" John said in a whiny voice pushing a picture of Charlotte's body in the morgue to him.

Ryan looked at the picture and then glared at John "You can't put that on me! I never saw that broad before!"

"Really? Funny because we know for a fact that she saw you, that she visited you actually at your mommy's place."  
"I ain't saying shit without a lawyer cop!" Ryan hissed.

John stared at him. "I get that Ryan, you don't have talk….how about I do the talking okay?"

Ryan folded his arms and sucked his tooth eyeing John "You look familiar…"  
John's face darkened at the arrogant way he said that and tried to keep his cool he looked over at the two way mirror and knew that Barnaby was behind it watching him.

"Let's say that Charlotte wasn't an intended victim, lets say she stumbled on something and since you were too dumb to know how to cover your own ass you killed her instead.

Ryan glared at him but said nothing. John smirked "The name Cletus Jones mean anything to you?" John said in a hoarse whisper.

The color drained from Ryan's face and he lowered his arms. John knew in that instant he was on the right track.

"McBain I need a word" a voice said across the intercom. John looked up and knew it was Barnaby. Ryan narrowed his eyes on John and smirked "Interview over cop!" he said chuckling. Instead of responding he rose and walked slowly to the door. Before reaching for it he looked over his shoulder

"Like using kids to do you dirty work, hurting women to get your jollies, seen your kind before Ryan and your transparent. Call that lawyer and pray he can dig you out of it, because you just made a new enemy and I'm not a 16 year old."

Ryan turned and looked at the two way mirror. John looked at it too. It was the final confirmation he needed. Walking out he went to the room next to it. Barnaby glared at him as he walked in. "What the hell are you doing threatening a suspect"

"He acts like he knows you are in here?" John said casually.  
"He's a fucking career criminal he knows the drill" Barnaby snapped.

John turned and looked back through the glass at Ryan sitting with Grey interrogating him. "Were going to hold him"

Barnaby looked at him "On what charges?"   
"We got 72 hours to hold him. I'll get a warrant and check his spot and we'll get the charges. He killed her among other things….." John said looking Barnaby in the eyes.

"You sure about that or do you just want to believe it?"  
"We're holding him unless you have any objections?" John asked smirking.  
"I only object to you going to far" Barnaby snapped.   
John sucked his teeth "I damn near held his hand through that little exchange."

Barnaby couldn't deny that but John was too determined and too damn close. He couldn't keep him off the scent because he would just be more determined. Pretending to be casual he shrugged. "Fine hold him….72 hours and that's it!" 

John nodded and watched him walk out. Turning up to the speaker box he listened to Grey stumble through his questions. Ryan kept glancing to the mirror. John got an idea. A risky one but definitely one worth trying.

Evangeline walked through the station her hair swaying around her coat. Heading to the bullpen several officers smiled appreciatively in her face and she basically ignored it. She wanted to see John. Looking up she saw him coming around the corner with detective Grey.

"John!" she called out.  
John looked over and his face brightened. "Hey, you okay?" he asked walking to her.  
"Yeah we need to talk" she said looking over at Grey.  
John nodded and led her to his new office. She followed him in and dropped her purse in the chair. John saw the tension on her face and frowned. "What happened?"

"Saw Cletus grandmother and this Ryan guy was there. Oh god John he is the man that killed Charlotte I'm positive of it."  
"Calm down" he said taking her hand and leading her to the other chair. Evangeline sat down and closed her eyes. She was so angry now it was killing her. That bastard would pay for hurting her friend.

"Tell me what you learned." He said kneeling next to her. Evangeline told him of the visit Ryan O'Reilly paid Marbel and the shoebox she found. John rose going to his desk and leaning back on it. "He's here."

Looking up at him stunned she frowned "Where?"   
"He's in holding now. We can't charge him with anything yet but the warrants are being drafted to search his vehicle and place. The description the homeless guy gave of the pickup matches his vehicle, but he was unable to pick him out of a line up."

"I want to see him!" she snapped.  
John stared at her "I might have an idea but it may go against your ethics. Hell it could ruin the both of us if we don't play it just right." he said cautiously

Evangeline stared at him the smiled slyly. "What's the plan?"

Ryan O'Reilly sat in his cell listening to the screams and complaints of the men in their adjacent cells. He wanted out of the cage immediately and Barnaby damn well better come through for him. He knew exactly who that asshole was when he walked in. Tommy's boy. He was all grown up and toting a badge now but it was the same kid. Well he wasn't going to be railed roaded into anything and if Barnaby tried any funny shit he'd fix him good. He had the evidence to do it.

"Mr. O'Reilly…."  
Looking up Ryan frowned at the vision of a very pretty black woman. She wore her hair flat across her head and her eyes were dark and penetrating. "Well if it isn't my lucky day" he said stroking his scraggly beard.

Evangeline narrowed her eyes on him. "Do you know who I am?"  
Ryan rose from the bunk his pink tongue darting out and licking his lip hidden by his bushy mustache. "My lawyer I presume" he said smirking

Evangeline put her hands on her hips "Not quite. I'm the partner of Charlotte Pryce the woman you killed and the lawyer for Cletus Jones the boy you're trying to destroy!"

Ryan stopped his approach and glared at her "Go away! I have nothing to say to you!"   
"But I have something to say to you…..see I got proof and before I go upstairs and share it with Lt. McBain I am giving you a chance save your hide!"

Ryan frowned. "Yea right you want to help me?" he said chuckling  
"Actually I want to walk back down this hall and grab the guards gun then return and pump you full of lead" Evangeline hissed bringing her face closer to the bars. "What I want is to get the son of a bitch that you are working for!"

Ryan looked at her and said nothing. Evangeline smiled "You see Cletus isn't a complete idiot. He recorded some of your conversations, and let's say camera phones are jewels because he got a couple of pics of you too"

"That's a lie!" Ryan shouted  
"Is it?" Evangeline asked laughing. "Do you want to take that chance? I hear you aren't to found of closed spaces."

Ryan turned around avoiding her face and clenching her fist "I'm fine…..besides I don't know this Cletus or Charlotte"

"So you are willing to go to jail so that someone else can sit pretty and reap all the rewards from your handy work"

Turning on her he glared "Let's say I know something…..for arguments sake. Will you represent me? Will you help me beat these charges?" he asked desperately.

Evangeline laughed "No! I will be the person at your execution flipping the switch!" she hissed.

Ryan blinked "Then what do I get out of it? Why the hell should I help you do anything?"

"From what I know Mr. O'Reilly you are holding a pretty powerful trump card. This person you work for stands to loose a lot. If that card was handed over to the DA's office you could pretty much write your own deal"

Ryan digested what she was saying. He saw the hatred in her eyes and it was unmistakable. He didn't however understand why she was offering this valuable counsel. What did she get out of it? Maybe she hated Barnaby too. Maybe it was a trap like Barnaby warned him about. Thirty years of secrets had landed him in prison once. He wasn't going back!

"Well……" he started.

"Ms. Williamson what are you doing here?" Barnaby asked coming down the hall quickly  
Evangeline looked up to see him approaching. She looked back at Ryan and gave him a knowing look. "I wanted to see the animal in person and tell him to his face that I will make sure that he rots in here for what he's done."

Barnaby walked up to the cell and looked at Ryan. "Well you don't belong here and you know it so I will ask that you leave now!"

Evangeline nodded. She looked back at Ryan and smiled "Think long and hard about what I said because I won't stop until you squirm the way my friend did when you took her life"   
Ryan said nothing and both men watched her sashay out. Barnaby turned on Ryan.

"What was this about?" he asked through his teeth.

"You heard her….she wants my balls! The question is what are you going to do about it!"

Evangeline got in the car and John climbed in also, turning on the heat the both shivered waiting on the car to warm up. John looked at her "How did it go?"  
"Barnaby showed up"  
"Figures……"  
Turning she looked at him. "You are right John, they are working together and when I planted that little seed with him you should have seen the asshole's eyes sparkle. I swear to god I want him dead!" she snapped her eyes glistening with tears.

John reached over in the cold car and touched her hand. "In time we will work this out. We have to be careful Van, Barnaby is a dangerous man and I still don't know what happened 30 years ago to make him kill my pop. I don't know why killing cops is this assholes favorite past time."

Evangeline looked at his hand on hers and opened hers to squeeze it. "I can do it, but it hurts"  
"Let's go to your place and eat. You look exhausted." He said pulling from the curb.

Evangeline let go of his hand and rode in the car in silence. John kept glancing over and would ask her simple questions that she would respond in one word replies. Finally arriving he pulled in and they got out going upstairs. Once inside she shook off her coat and hung it up then went to the table to lay down the shoebox from Cletus room. John closed the door seeing she was still in a sullen mood. "Hey do you still have that game of scrabble?"

Stopping she turned and looked at him. "What?"  
"After dinner, how about scrabble"   
Standing there she smiled "What are you trying to do?"  
John looked at her curious "What do you mean?" he asked taking off his gloves then coat. Evangeline watched him suspiciously "Seems like you are just too agreeable sir. If my memory serves me correctly you hated scrabble and would cheat with all those slang and dirty words" 

John laughed going into the kitchen. Evangeline pulled off her suit jacket and tossed it to the chair then followed him.

"I know you like scrabble and before we check that shoebox you got and get all submerge in the darkness I want you to relax." He said opening the fridge and staring in. He looked at her. "Everything's frozen….do you want me to order something for us?"

Evangeline shook her head no. "I put some snapper in one of the vegetable trays. We can bake it if you like"

Before he responded the phone rang and Evangeline walked over to it. John got the snapper and took it to the counter looking over the breakfast bar at her. 

"Hello"  
"Cookie?"  
"Darlene?" Evangeline said smiling lightly. It was Charlotte's mom. "Hey…."  
"Hey baby how are you?"  
"I'm okay….did Ray get up here okay? I waited for a call and never got one."  
"Yes he's bringing me my baby…." Darlene said choking up in the phone and Evangeline could tell she was crying. John watched as Evangeline kept running her hands through her hair nervously as tears fell down her face. 

"I'm….so…"  
"It's okay Cookie, its okay baby…..I just wanted to let you know that we will be burying her in two days." Darlene said softly. "If you could get here by tomorrow it would be great. I would like for you to sing at the funeral and help me with the obituary. You two were so close and I think you have a good insight into what she might want." 

Evangeline wiped her tears. "I'll leave in the morning."   
"I know its short notice baby…."  
"I want too….." Evangeline started then burst into tears.  
John put down the fish and walked out of the kitchen going to her. Darlene grew silent giving her a moment. Evangeline overcome with grief let go of more tears and John took the phone while holding her up.

"Hello"   
"Yes…." Darlene said frowning to the man's voice.  
"I'm John a friend of Evangeline…."  
"Oh….hi baby, I'm Charlotte's momma. I just wanted to ask Cookie to come in tomorrow so we can bury her."  
"Yes mam, we will leave in the morning and call you as soon as our flight arrives."  
"Thank you John…..I wish we could have met under better circumstances"  
"Me too…."  
"Tell cookie to hold fast in the lord. He has us all. God Bless you" Darlene said softly and then hung up.

John hung up and helped Evangeline to the sofa who was just crying softly. "It's okay….I will book us the first flight out of here tomorrow."

Evangeline looked up "John……what about O'Reilly….you are really close. You can stay I will go…"   
"NO! I'm taking you….we can deal with him when we get back. This is more important. You are more important" he said with finality.  
"More important than solving your father's murder?" she asked shocked  
"More important than anything else in my life right now" he said looking in her eyes.

Evangeline touched his face affectionately and he kissed her. She kissed him back sighing at the warmth of his embrace. John slid his hand down to her shirt and underneath reaching for her breast and massaging it. Pushing his hand away she broke their kiss "Don't" she said moving away from him.

"I'm sorry…..I took advantage….."  
Looking over at him she softened. "What about the fish?"  
He blinked confused then looked to the kitchen. "Yeah…..I will make the fish and you login and book our flights." He said rising and going to the kitchen.

"John…."  
Stopping he looked over at her "Yes…"  
"Thanks….I appreciate this and I…."  
He stared at her "It's okay….you're not ready and I get that." He smiled sweetly winking then going into the kitchen.

Evangeline sat back on the couch and sighed. Problem was she wanted him just as bad, but she didn't know what her heart could survive at this point. Every nerve in her body was raw from the grief and pain she's experienced in the past three years. The breakup, kidnappings, best friend in coma, best friend murdered all equaled her insane life. Now he was here and held the power to destroy her by making her trust him again. How on earth does she do that? Getting up she headed to her room to get her laptop. She was so glad he was here and even more grateful that he was coming with her. Each moment that passed between them she grew to trust him more, maybe there was hope for them. Someday…….


	9. Chapter 9

**The Burden of Love: Let's face it all...**

by tarskeewee08

"What do you think it all means?" she asked watching John go through the pictures studying them. He turned them over and found the cops names written in black felt tip marker on the back. Looking at the list confused he chewed on his bottom lip "How many cops killed in the last year?"

Evangeline sipped her martini feeling more relaxed "Only four…but there are more than 15 pictures in that box."

"This makes no sense" John said dropping the pictures in the box and reaching for his beer.  
"Why doesn't it? Apparently these men were next….and Cletus was following them"   
"Cletus is a 16 year old kid riding around with a notebook watching local beat cops. This was planted….I bet if you check with him he won't know anything about it. Ryan knew that his name would come up. He gave the grandmother a card. Then he goes into the room probably with the bag she said he left with and left the evidence. Something else is at play"

Evangeline stared at the box "So they want us to believe that Cletus was hunting cops. That he took all these photos and created this list?"

"I guess….but the thing I don't get is if that's the effect then what's the cause? Why did those cops have to die? What is Barnaby hiding that he had to kill them through Ryan and develop this plan? And even still is it over?"

Evangeline put down her martini and sighed. "I don't know and my head hurts" she moaned closing her eyes.

John looked over at her leaning back in the sofa her eyes closed. He studied her face and saw the exhaustion on it. Lowering his beer he reached for her feet pulling them onto his lap. She opened her eyes and smiling at him.

In the past when they finally unwound from the day he would use his magic fingers to work out her stress through a foot massage. Sighing at the erotic touch of his thumb pressing into the ball of her foot as his hand rotated it she recalled their love and ached for it. In this moment she wanted her man back more than ever.

John spent ten minutes on each foot and Evangeline soon was lulled into a semi sleep state. Lowering her feet she opened her eyes groggily and lsat up. "Sorry…."

Sitting back he moved closer to her and she smiled at his approach. "I'm in love with you Van"

"I know John…."she said averting her eyes "I believe you"  
"What I'm trying to say is that I want you back, I want you to let me in." he said sliding his hand across her belly.  
Evangeline looked down at his hand rubbing against her middle and felt the comfort they always brung when he touched her. "John…"

Leaning over his kissed the inside of her neck and she closed her eyes to the sensation. "John…"  
"Van I've missed you so much….I need you." he said sliding his hand across her waist and pulling her to him, kissing her neck more passionately. She pushed against his shoulder frowning. "John…."

"It's okay….we can…."  
"NO Dammit!" she snapped pushing him away  
John looked at her hurt "Evangeline what is it? It's not about the grief there's something more going on."

Evangeline glared at him "How could you not know! My god are you that damn selfish!" she shouted getting up and walking away. John got up and went after her grabbing her wrist "Hey….talk to me!"

Turning she looked at him with her face in pain. "You took her to bed"  
John stared at her confused "Natalie?"  
Evangeline snatched her hand away "Yes dammit! The one thing that was ours, the thing that we shared and expressed our love through you gave to her….after all we'd been through you made love to her!"

"I never made love to Natalie….."  
"What?" Evangeline said disgusted. "Are you going to say you two just played footsies?"

"Not what I mean….."  
"I don't care what you mean! You slept with her and I can't stomach the idea of you touching me!" she blurted out surprised to hear it herself.

John stepped back wounded "Evangeline….I"  
"NO! There it is….out in the open. Now it's your turn…tell me how after seeing me turn myself inside out loving you. How is it possible that you could then turn to her and take her to bed? Our bed you asshole!" she shouted shoving him. 

Running his hand through his hair he blew out a breath and shook his head sadly "I was running Van…"

"No correction you were fucking!" she snapped turning and walking away.   
John stormed after her and as she tried to close the door he blocked it with his hand pushing it open. She turned around shocked and frowned at him. "Get out!"

"Let me explain some things to you! First of all I never made love to her. NEVER. I just gave her what I thought she needed from me. To make up for the hell I brought to her life"

Evangeline laughed folding her arms and looking angrily with tears in her eyes "Well that explains it John….thanks for clearing that up! I mean we all know that her needs were more important than mine and yours as well."

"Would you just be quiet? For 10 minutes just shut up and listen….can you do that?" he snapped

Evangeline glared at him "Go to hell!"  
"Too late I've been there and they don't want me anymore than you do!" he said his eyes glossing over with his own pain from her rejection.

Evangeline stared at him and he wanted to reach for her "I treated you horribly and I wish I could stand here and say my intention was never to hurt you. Because in all honesty I never wanted too, but I never saw you Van, not the woman that you are. I felt you and enjoyed you but I never saw you. Funny it's only now that I'm learning who you are and falling in love with you the right way. But baby you are scaring the shit out of me by pushing me away. This is our shot….."

"Why because I'm broken and you can hang around here and play hero? Save me from my pain and fill that sickness in you that keeps you from loving yourself."

John sighed "No, because I'm no longer broken. I no longer hide behind my fears and I can for the first time appreciate what a woman like you brings to a man's life. I can respect it and cherish it….I don't need to save you. What I am doing is what's required when you love someone. You put them first. Have I ever done that in the past? NO! But nothing in hell or heaven will keep me from doing it for you now." he said reaching for her but she backed up.

"You slept with her, dammit you slept with her John!"  
"I can't change that. I can't give you one plausible reason why other than the sick ones I used to justify it to myself"  
Evangeline put her hand to her head, "Just leave my room and let me sleep"  
"I want to get passed this. We have to get passed this" he said softly  
"Why you that damn needy to take me to bed!" she said angrily

"No…because this wall between us widens with your distrust of me and I can't loose you again" He said going to her trapping her in front of the night stand next to the bed. She looked into his eyes defiantly and stood her ground. "I won't let you in…..my body is my temple and it won't be used…."

He moved the loose strands that hung in her face "What are you talking about I never used your body…….What we share in love making is not something vile or empty…..you know that" he said smiling at her affectionately and seeing through her bravado.

"You made it empty when…."   
John got in her space "I admit it was wrong to think that after sleeping with her and flaunting it in your face that I could access to your love, your passion again." he said running his finger down the side of her face seductively.

"Move…"  
"I was wrong Van, for thinking that this soon you could give into this burning need within the both of us to feel each other again" he said leaning and brushing his lips across hers. Evangeline eyes fluttered and so did her stomach. "I won't let you….." she whimpered.

"You're scared and you're hurt." he said slipping his arms around her waist and pulling her to him holding her tightly. She tilted her head and looked up into his clear blue eyes. "Don't…."

"Why, because in my arms you feel the truth. That no matter who I was with or who you were with it can never touch what we share?"

"I never gave into another man. Its you that found it so easy to replace me" she said pushing against him but he held her tighter and she could feel his heartbeat through his chest. It was racing and he was stiffening, even in fighting with her he wanted her.

"You could never be replaced and Natalie didn't even come close. My desires and passion always lied with you, but I'd lost you and I was too stupid to do what was needed to have you. I was wrong. But please start now, in this moment, start working toward forgiving me. Because I can't let you go Van, I can't loose you again."

"I need time and less pressure from you…." She said turning her head afraid with the way he held her he'd try to kiss her and she'd allow it.

He let her go "The next move is yours then baby, I won't put my hands on you again. When you are ready you'll come to me……just like in my dreams" he said softly.

Evangeline looked at him confused by the comment and he smiled sweetly at her turning and the walking out of her room and closing her door. For a long moment she stood rooted to the spot digesting what he said. Ultimately she could do what he did and push him away, but they both loose. He really hurt her and she wasn't going to pretend that just because he's here now the past years didn't happen.

He did what he did for his own selfish needs and she couldn't let go of that, at least not yet. Crawling onto her bed she let silent tears fall grabbing her pillow hugging it in a fetal position. She put the pillow between her legs and forced away the heat that burned there just from that brief contact. He won't get off that easy.

Evangeline stood on the curb as John paid the cab. She wore a black pants suit under her long black coat with a black crotched skull like cap. It was four in the morning and the cold was paralyzing she could barely close and open her gloved hands. Travelers catching the early flights at O'Hare were pouring onto the curb pushing past her going in. Reaching for the handle of her suitcase she smiled at John as he approached. She was so happy that he was going with her. John threw his big suitor bag strap on his shoulder and grabbed her suitcase handle from her hand. "You ready babe?"

She nodded and fell in line with the others going through the automatic door. Walking down the isle they went to a kiosk for Delta and printed out their airline tickets then dropped their bags off at the counter. Going to security they went through the process and when they headed to the terminal he grasped her hand. She held his tightly walking through the airport catching the side glances women gave him as they passed.

He paid it little attention and questioned her about how big the airport was. Seeing him in his black long trench walking confidently down the terminal was tempting. He remained the sexiest man she'd known.

When they found their gate she sat as he went to the starbucks they'd passed earlier to get coffee. She thought of Charlotte and how she would never see her again. Shifting uncomfortable she sighed deeply. Charlotte was her friend and she wanted this nightmare to go away.

"Here you go…" he said passing her the coffee  
"Thanks John" she said softly  
He smiled and drank his leaning back "So do we go straight to Charlotte's mom place when we land or to our hotel?"

"I think we should go to the hotel and get settled, then head over there. We will of course have to stop and see mom."

John chuckled "That should be fun"  
Evangeline elbowed him "I called her and told her you were coming. She and uncle clay have been warned."  
John nodded "Won't make a difference, but they don't scare me!" he said dismissively.

Evangeline smiled. Looking back at the passing passengers she thought about last night. He said he wouldn't make any advances on her and she wasn't bold enough to face her pain in that way. Somewhat disappointed she couldn't rebuff his touches anymore she smiled. Be careful what you ask for.

"What are you smiling at?" he asked looking at her suspiciously.  
"Nothing…..I'd like you to tell me about these dreams you keep referencing."  
"There just my fantasies about us."  
"Fantasies?"  
"Yes….me and you in each other arms and you feeling safe there"

Evangeline looked away blushing "Oh…."  
John smiled at her. "Hey, its okay…..that's what dreams are….your escape from reality. In my dreams our past doesn't matter because our future is too important to us both. We take a leap of faith and the outcome is something so much more profound that what we had before."

Evangeline drank the lot dark liquid swallowing his words as well. "Dreams…." She mumbled pulling the cup from her lips and staring at the circular lipstick impression on her starbucks lid.

John nodded "That's right baby dreams…."

Getting in the rental car John asked her where to go to find a hotel near her neighborhood. Evangeline talked him through it and pointed out spots she frequented in Philly. John was pretty familiar having been to the city of brotherly love several times. They talked mostly about the case and why Barnaby would still have a murder lust for cops that trusted him.

John called the station to say he'd be gone for three days and Barnaby was more than accepting of it. He spoke to Grey and inquired about the search warrant. They were executing it today and should have some information from him later.

John drove up to the Sheraton and they valeted giving the concierge their luggage. Evangeline waited while he took care of their rooms dreading going to Charlotte's moms and facing everyone. John didn't know it but she was stalling. Seeing them after her death was too hard for her.

He came over and gave her, her key and told her they had adjoining rooms. She saw the disappointment in his eyes but ignored it. Right now her heart ached and she just didn't feel like much intimacy either way. After getting settled she sat on the flowered mattress in her room and pulled the skull cap from her head letting her hair fall around her face. She needed to gather her strength to bury her friend and it was getting increasingly harder.

The door separating the rooms was unlocked and John knocked on it peeking in. "Hey you ready?" She looked up with tears rolling down her face "I need a minute"

Coming in he leaned against the wall. "We don't have to do this Van, we can just go to the funeral and leave. No one expects you to be perfect."

She looked down "Charlotte deserves more than my tears John. She was a strong woman with very high principals. She didn't believe in the justice system we serve. She only became a lawyer to fight against it and un-right the wrongs on people forgotten and abused because of elitism and prejudices. Do you know she was against the death penalty?"

John smiled at her "No….I didn't"  
"We debated it for hours at end. To her one person executed unjustly invalidated the entire system. She wanted us to focus more on cases for death row inmates guilty or innocent to find ways to prevent deaths that she felt man had no place in deciding on."

John walked over and sat next to her on the bed. "She sounds remarkable"  
"She was….and then one day she goes to pay a visit to a stranger in hopes of once again helping someone who can't help themselves and her life is snuffed out. Taken as if she didn't matter. And the world as we know it keeps moving unaware that we just lost the most giving person I've ever met."

John put his arm around her and pulled her to his chest. He said nothing just rubbed her arm so she could get it out. "What hurts me John is the way I treated her these past months. Fighting with her about getting paying clients, turning my nose up to some of the cases she piled up on me. I bought into her dreams because I gave up on mine. What kind of person am I and what did she think of me?"

John kissed the top of her head "I didn't meet her, but if she sent for you to start your practice and took you on as a partner she knew exactly what I already do" he said lifting her chin so that he could he stare into her face

"That you are the most giving and caring person I've ever met. That you love with all your heart and you trust with it too. Most importantly you stand on solid principles and gave a hundred percent to those that trusted you with their freedom and lives. To have you on anyone's team Evangeline is for the better. Charlotte knew it and loved you for it."

Evangeline smiled staring at him. For years this man could barely speak her name. Now he spoke so poetically that a word from him chipped away at the ice around her heart. Staring into her eyes she admitted again what she already knew. She loved John McBain now as much as she did before.

Smiling she touched his jaw. "Well Lets go face the family."  
"That's right…..lets face it all" he said helping her off the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Burden of Love: This is where they belong...**

by tarskeewee08

They pulled up to her home. She was exhausted from visiting with Charlotte's family. Everyone had a million questions about the investigation and John was a prince about it all. He took over and explained what the Chicago PD was doing and how the process worked. While he talked them through their fears Evangeline went to the kitchen and sat with Charlotte's mother.

Watching her cook for her family like she and Charlotte used too as kids they talked about past and different things that Char did to challenge them both. It felt good remembering the good times. Darlene asked Evangeline to sing 'Amazing Grace' and she agreed. She gave some ideas on what should be on the obituary and Darlene called her cousin who was at the printers and had the information added. All in all it was a good visit and she felt better from it.

Now she was home again and she didn't want mom or uncle clay to ruin things by attacking John. She looked at him undoing his seatbelt and touched his hand. "Hey"

He stopped and smiled at her "You ready?"  
"If they get out of hand we will leave" she said softly  
John frowned. "They're your family and you need them, this isn't about me." Touching her face he looked into her eyes.

"Besides I'm a big boy and can handle myself" he said chuckling  
She smiled back "Okay big, boy let's go…."  
Getting out into the snowy night Evangeline raced up the driveway with him holding his hand. Reaching the porch her mom opened the door before they could knock and went to her pulling her into her arms. "Oh my god cookie!" she cried.

John watched them embrace and could see Uncle Clay scowling at him in the background.

"Mom, lets go inside its cold out here" Evangeline said trying to pry her off her. Lisa let her go "Oh yes, sorry baby" she looked over to John and half smiled "Hello John"

"Hi Ms. Williamson" he said following them inside. The warmth of the fireplace and smell of a baked ham made the house feel more than inviting. John helped Evangeline from her coat then removed his and hung them on the coat rack.

Clay walked over and extended his hand. "Hello John"  
"Clay" John said shaking his hand.  
Evangeline went to the sofa and sat down and everyone followed her lead.

"Cookie I just don't understand what were you girls into up there that somebody would kill Charlotte?" Lisa asked

Evangeline looked into the fire wincing at the question that seemed to be the first one from everyone. "We don't know much about Char's death now mom"  
"You know she's murdered and apparently from someone next to the case she was investigating." Clay said

John frowned. That information wasn't released yet, not even to the family "Clay how do you know that?"

Clay turned and looked at John smugly "I have friends everywhere John, I also know that you have accepted a position with the Chicago PD."

Lisa shot John a shocked angry look "What? You've moved to Chicago?"   
John nodded and Evangeline sucked her teeth. She wasn't in the mood for the inquisition she just wanted to see them. John saw her agitation and tried ease it "I had no idea she was living in Chicago when I relocated her, but I can't deny that I'm happy that she is"

"I bet you are!" Clay hissed  
"That's enough! I'm not in the mood for this. I just lost my closest friend! She was murdered do you get that?" Evangeline stood up and pushed past their legs racing up the stairs. Lisa and John stood at the same time. Lisa grabbed his arm to stop him. "I will see about her, she needs her momma"

John nodded and watched her go up the stairs then sat down. Clay lit his cigar watching him and John stared back "Do you have something you want to say to me?"

"Let's go out back on the veranda and have a chat" Clay said rising from couch.  
John shook his head sadly then rose to follow him out. He and Clay hadn't spoke since the breakup and he could only imagine what he had to say now. Either way it didn't matter he wanted her happy and if patching things up with her family was what she needed from him he'd do it.

Evangeline stood in her room looking at pictures on her dresser of her and Charlotte with Layla in tow. Lisa cracked the door open and saw her "Cookie.."  
"Leave mom, I'm not in the mood"  
Lisa walked in and closed the door "Oh baby, I'm sorry….I loved Charlotte too"  
Evangeline turned around with tears in her eyes. "Mom somebody killed her, took her life like she didn't matter."

Lisa went to her and held her in her arms. Evangeline hugged her mother crying openly. It's all she seemed to be able to do now is cry and she was just as tired of it. Lisa rubbed her back and waited it out. When she was done she went and got some Kleenex for her to dry her face. Evangeline walked over to the bed and sat down. Lisa came to her and gave her some tissues to wipe the tears away.

"Death is hard Cookie, but you have to draw from your faith sweetie. Charlotte is with the lord. Try and understand that there is a purpose to it all. God called her home because it was her time, none of this is your fault."

Evangeline wiped her tears "Well the pain doesn't stop mom and if it wasn't for John I don't know how I would survive it."

Lisa stiffened at the mention of John "What is going on with you two?"  
"What do you mean?" she asked blowing her nose  
"After everything that man has done to you why on earth would you let him weasel his way back into your life, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability."

"You don't know what you're talking about" Evangeline said rolling her eyes.  
"I see the way he's looking at you, my god are you sleeping with him?"  
"Mom! Would you stop it! He's a friend and I need him, what we do or don't with that friendship is none of your concern!"

Lisa stood up and glared at her "Have you forgotten how he wiped his feet on you? How he couldn't love you and almost cost you your life? How he dumped you for that redhead floozy he was obsessed with?"

Evangeline looked up to the ceiling and blew out a frustrated breath "He does love me…"  
"What?"  
"Never mind its none of your business, whatever is going on with us is not your concern and I won't allow you to make Charlotte's death about me and John! If you don't respect me and my feelings for him mom we'll leave!"

Lisa folded her arms "For life of me child I will never understand why you cling to him so."

"Then you've never been in love!" Evangeline shot back.

John stepped down on the back deck. The snow had stopped and the night though chilly was clear with a half moon shining down. Clay lit his cigar again and watched him intently.

"So I heard about you and the LPD caught up in that prison riot last year" Clay said  
John slipped his hands in his pockets and leaned against the column "Yeah that was a pretty hairy time."

"The gossip rags said you were involved with a inmate's wife? You held pertinent information on his identity preventing him from being released and that Evangeline is the one that saved the man's life?"

John looked down "What are you getting at Clay?"  
"Just curious, you dumped my niece for this Vega girl and left her to burn at the stake so you could save her, then you conspire to keep this girl close to you by using your badge to keep her husband in jail. And through it all my niece had to work to clean up your mess."

John looked over his shoulder "First of all, your niece dumped me and rightfully so. Second of all I saved them both from that fire. And lastly there is a lot more to the story of me and Natalie Vega"

"Really" Clay said smiling "I'd love to hear that story"  
"This visit isn't about me…"  
"Yet you came anyway. Holding her hand like you're some caring boyfriend and searching for a in road"

John glared at him. "I love her….my presence at her side is because of my love and need to protect her"

Clay lowered the cigar "Well well look who can finally say the word"  
John flushed with anger. Apparently Lisa told Clay all of the sordid details of their past. "I will admit to not appreciating your niece at first, but I do now and I will spend every waking moment making it up to her"

Clay glared at him. "Cookie almost died because of her feelings for you. She turned herself inside out to be with you and when you rejected her for that rich trollup she left the state and tried to reclaim her life. Now all of sudden you want to be there for her? Well I don't buy it for a moment, you are still the same selfish arrogant ass you was last year and this time I won't sit back and let you hurt her!" he yelled

"Uncle Clay!" Evangeline shouted.

He and John turned to see her step through with Lisa behind her "You apologize now!"  
"Evangeline its okay…" John said  
"NO! You apologize now!" Evangeline said shaking she was so angry and glaring at her uncle.

Clay looked at her and his face melted "Cookie, I didn't mean to upset you I'm sorry"  
"Not to me! To John….apologize!" she yelled and John frowned seeing she was coming undone. He walked up the step toward her watching her concerned about her reaction to Clay's taunts. Today was an emotional rollercoaster and she's been containing her anger over the situation for awhile. She may release that anger now.

Clay looked at John and cut his eyes "He shouldn't be here. He doesn't deserve you and he's using this situation to get next to you."

"He loves me and I love him! There is nothing you or momma can do to tear that apart. Do you heart me!" she screamed through her tears.

John looked at her shocked along with the rest of them. Her declaration of love was worth all the taunting and snide remarks from her family. He reached for her hand to calm her and she grabbed his pulling him into the house to get their coats.

Clay and Lisa raced behind them back into the house "Cookie, no don't go! Wait what do you mean you two will be together." Lisa said shocked.

"Cookie, I'm sorry baby please…" Uncle Clay called after her.  
John got their coats and helped Evangeline into hers then put on his. Evangeline retrieved her purse as her mom grabbed her arm "That man broke your heart baby, I was there at the hospital when he wouldn't even comfort you" she said in a trembling voice and her words hurt John causing him to look away from Clay's heated glare. 

Evangeline pulled her arm from her mother and let tears fall "He hurt me but he also loved me through it all, I know that now. We can't help who we love momma but I am glad to have John because right now he is the only reason I'm able to survive this all"

Clay walked over to her "That's not true! You are strong Cookie and you don't need that man or any man for that matter to save you" 

Evangeline shook her head sadly "I may not need him but I want him and until you two accept that I want you too keep your nasty accusations and hurtful words to yourself."

She said before storming out the door that John held for her. John looked back at them "I will take care of her I promise…I do love her"

Lisa started to cry and Clay put his arms around her shoulder "I see through you John and one day my niece will too!" Clay said angrily.

John shook his head sadly then walked out into the cold night air toward the car that Evangeline already sat inside of. He climbed inside to see her crying softly looking at her family standing on the porch watching them. Backing out of the driveway he sighed wishing that it hadn't come to this.

"I'm sorry baby" he said softly  
"It's fine we shouldn't have come here."  
"Yes, we should have….they are your family and you love them" John said driving cautiously on the icy roads.

"Well you are just as important to me and they need to respect that" she said looking out of the window.

John looked over at her again reminded that she was announcing her feelings for him. Letting one hand off the steering wheel he reached for her hand in the car. She turned and softening from the contact. Smiling she accepted it. 

"Thanks Van it means a lot to hear you say that" he said smiling at her.

"It means a lot to say it again to you John. I've learned some things with Charlotte's death. Life is too short and nothing is promised to you. I'm not going to let my happiness slip by and I'm not going to hold back from loving you. I want my happiness now, while I'm here and can enjoy it."

John felt his heart beating with excitement to know that she was moving closer to him. She was going to be his again. Raising her hand to his lips he kissed it affectionately "You are a remarkable woman." 

"So are you…a remarkable man that is" she said giggling wiping away her tears with her other hand. Her cell phone buzzed and she let go of his hand reaching into her purse to retrieve it. Rolling her eyes she blew out a frustrated breath and John knew who it was.

"What is it Mom?"  
"Baby we are both sorry, please don't be angry with us…I know you are going through a rough time….."  
"Thanks mom for the apology but that's not what I need, I need for you two to respect and trust me enough to make my own decisions."  
Lisa grew quiet in the phone "We'll try, I'll speak to your uncle. Just know that we love you so much and it's all because of our love for you that we struggle with his. That man did some…"

"Thank you for trying, I will see you both at the funeral. Good night mom" she said closing the phone.

John didn't say anything to the call as he drove them up to the valet in front of the hotel. Evangeline got out and he walked over taking her hand leading her through the lobby to their room. Both of their rooms were connected and he waited as she got her key out to open her door. She looked back at him unsure of herself and he smiled.

"Good night John" she said going in and closing the door.  
John bit his bottom lip in disappointment then shook his head sadly. Going to his room he slipped in the key and walked through. Another cold shower is what he needed.

Evangeline awoke and looked at the digital clock, it was after three in the morning. Sitting up in her bed she pulled her knees to her chest. She missed her man. Looking over to the adjoining door she'd bolted shut she wondered what he was doing on the other side of it. Her desires strong and the need to be in his arms even greater she willed herself to move from the bed and go to him. All she had to do was go to him.

Sighing sadly she wished that that she had the courage. There was still a part of her that didn't know how to let him make love to her after what he shared with Natalie. Putting her head in her knees she sucked in her breath. Life was too short and Natalie was so not worth it. She just couldn't keep using her as an excuse to hide behind her fear.

She wanted her man back and according to him it would be up to her to make it happen. Sliding out of the bed she went to the mirror and looked at herself. Her long mane was in tangles. She reached for her makeup bag and retrieved her brush. Working out the kinks she stared at her reflection. Something about the woman that stared back at her seemed foreign.

In a year she had harden and the light of compassion and hope of love had dimmed from her eyes. She didn't want to be bitter, not from the past or the recent loss of Charlotte. She couldn't allow herself to disappear. Putting down her bush she unbuttoned her long sleeve pajama top.

Dropping it from her shoulders she pulled off her drawstring sleep pants then her underwear. Reaching for her jasmine oil she rubbed into her skin smoothing it out. Walking to her suitcase she went through it nervously looking for something she could wear. Finding a camisole that stopped at the curve of her hips that she wore under her suits she pulled it out and held it in front of her. She hadn't packed anything sexy and didn't own anything really since she left Llanview. She would have to improvise, this would work just nicely. 

Slipping it on she walked back to the mirror and smiled bashfully. Her hips a little wide caused the silk fabric to rise at the roundness of her butt exposing more than she would normally choose but she knew he wouldn't mind. Going to the bathroom she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She was so nervous about going to him she did everything to delay it. Faced with nothing left but her desires that grew with each passing moment she went to the door and undid the bolt silently.

Opening the door she smiled to see that he didn't lock his door and left it wide open for her. She shook her head laughing to herself, he knew she would come to him. Walking into the dark room she saw him lying on the left side of the bed on top of his stomach. His muscled arm hung over the edge of the bed and he was snoring softly.

She stood at the foot of the bed frozen. Should she call out to him? Should she go over and shake him and tell him that she needed him? It had been so long since she'd been with him or any man for that matter she wasn't as confident as she wanted to be. When they were lovers she would simply roll over in the night and kiss his shoulder and that was all it took. He'd pull her under him in his sleep and before fully awakening begin to make love to her. She smiled at that memory.

Finding her courage she walked over to the right side of the bed and pulled back the covers gently. Sliding into bed with him carefully he didn't stir. She looked at him in the dark and stared at his smooth muscular back. 

Finding the need to touch him overwhelming she reached for him with a shaky hand. Her fear still consuming her she found it hard to lower her hand to his back so it hovered over him for a longer moment than she intended then she touched him gently. John still didn't stir. She leaned over and kissed his shoulder and he moaned saying her name in his sleep.

She looked at him shocked then remembered the dreams he mentioned of having her. She smiled to herself knowing he thought once again this was a dream. She slid her hand up his back to his silky hair and ran her fingers through it. 

He stirred and turned his head to face her. In the dark he squinted then opened his eyes wider looking at her. She moved his hair from his face "I…" is all she could say before his arm slipped around her waist pulling her down to him. He pulled her underneath him as he rose on his left elbow looking down into her face. She smiled weakly into his and touched his cheek. "I need you too John I want this, but I need for us to go slow"

He nodded and kissed her. Evangeline closed her eyes slowly to the soft feel of his kiss relaxing more. Feeling his hand slide down to her thigh and run back up under her camisole she moaned. Soon his fingers were on her nipples as his stiffening manhood pressed into her thigh and the burning need to have him had her panting softly in his ear.

His kisses left her mouth and traveled to the inside of her neck as she rubbed his back affectionately. Lifting his head he moved back the sheets to see what she was wearing. She blushed at his inspection but she remembered that was par for the course, he always wanted to see her body before making love to her. Running his fingers over the fabric that clung to her curves she saw his lips curl into a sexy smile.

Her breast were partially covered by the lacy trim at the top of the camisole and he touched it lightly then brought his hand up to her thin strap moving it down her shoulder causing the delicate fabric to peal away and push her left breast into view. 

She closed her eyes as she felt his warm mouth come down upon it as his tongue circled then flicked at her nipple. She grabbed his hair as his hands went between her legs and began to awaken her passion down there. She thought of all the times he'd touched her like this and wondered if this was the way he touched her. Shaking her head she forced the thought from her mind.

She could feel him freeing himself from his boxers and her stomach clenched with anxiety. She was going to actually allow him to make love her to again and she couldn't deny her fear. As he climbed on top of her parting her legs wider with his knees she opened her eyes and pushed against his chest.

He looked at her confused then saw the fear in her eyes "I want you Van, no one else…let me show you. I promise I won't hurt you"

She bit down on her bottom lip and held onto her tears "okay..." she said softly.

John kissed her forcing her to receive his mouth and position himself between her legs. She felt the tip of his penis at her opening and she wrapped both her arms around his neck for security. His kisses became more demanding and she was finding to hard to breathe his desperate needs for her hand him now kissing her face and then her neck while moaning and whispering to her.

"It's okay sweetheart, I love you" he said seductively as he pushed inside of her.

She lifted her hips to receive him and he slid his hands under her butt to keep her close. Evangeline moaned loudly and welcomed the warm intrusion her body craved for what seemed like forever. With each thrust her anxiety softened and thoughts of Natalie disappeared, all she could feel was him and his need for her. John looked into her face again and she opened her eyes as he kissed her nose while rotating his hips. She moaned from the familiar pleasure she'd been denied for what seemed like eternity and he pressed his forehead against hers. She smiled to herself at the unspoken communication that passed between them and held onto their passion.

He kept going and driving her body to the orgasmic release that only he knew how to bring. She was crying out so loudly now that she feared the people in the room next to them would call the front desk. Arching her back she felt her hips vibrate from the movement and strength of his love muscle.

Dropping his head to the crook of her neck all of his weight came down on her as he pinned her to the bed. His thrusts became more powerful and she wrapped her legs around him to control some of the intensity, he was pushing her farther than she thought she could go. "Oh god help me" she moaned not sure how much longer she could take it.

She could hear him calling for her with each passionate thrust causing her cry out even louder from the electric current rushing through her veins. As his hips began to shudder a thunderous release of his seed into her, he bit her earlobe making her claw at his back from the sweet ecstasy of it all.

Their love making was more than either had anticipated and they remained in their passionate embrace long after their juices ceased to flow. Neither could explain what transpired between them but Evangeline knew that this was not something he shared with every and any woman. This was his way of loving her and she felt a wave of relief to have it again.

Raising his face he looked into her eyes "I'll never let you go again, never!" he said determined and committed to their love.

She smiled "Good…because I don't like jail, and that's where I'd be from killing you!" she said giggling.

He laughed too and fell back onto her chest. She closed her eyes lowering her legs from around his waist. This was where they both belonged.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Burden of Love: Amazing Grace**

by tarskeewee08

John woke before she did turning to find her nestled up under his arm. He still couldn't believe it wasn't a dream and had to make love to her several times through the night to be sure she was back in his arms. Looking into her face he moved some of her hair away and smiled. She was amazing and she was his.

Looking up at the ceiling he recalled some of the things her uncle clay said. Though he would never let anyone come between them, he had to admit that what she went through the past year had to be extremely painful. Learning her pain only made him more determined not to repeat those mistakes. 

"Morning" she said sliding her hand across his chest  
"Morning…" he said kissing her forehead. "You hungry?"

Evangeline rolled on top of him "Mmmm hmmm" she moaned kissing the inside of his neck. He couldn't believe after their all nighter she would awake for more. Closing his eyes to the soft kisses raining down on his neck he slid his hand across her silky smooth skin.

"I love you" she said softly in his ear. The sound of those words from her made his heartbeat quicken. She straddled him and he opened his eyes to look up at her. Evangeline swiped her wild tresses backward from her face and smiled sweetly at him.

He stared at the wondrous vision of her hovering above him. She looked like a goddess to him. Feeling her reach for his member she guided him into her as he let out a deep sigh. Rising on her knees she slid down taking him all in while balancing herself by placing the palm of her hands on his chest. 

Soon she began her erotic dance in his lap. He grabbed her hips and tried to slow her pace Be she arched her back increased the frequency of her rotation and John found himself crying out like a baby.

Lowering her face to his to silence him she kissed him passionately rolling her tongue around in his mouth. The intensity of that kiss coupled with the powerful thrusts from her hips drove him to a premature orgasm that made him blush with embarrassment.

She giggled softly slowing down her pace going to the inside of his neck she kissed him tenderly. John moaned under her kisses and began to tickle her. She squealed and he swiftly flipped her over on to her back sliding out of her.

"Stop…stop!" she wheezed as he wrestled her to the spot and kept tickling her. She laughed out loudly trying to escape and all out war broke out under the covers. With the sheets above their heads and arms and legs everywhere she tried to find a way from under the covers and away from his assault but he dragged her to him for more. Laughing so hard and kicking her feet as he began to bite her in between tickles she barely heard her phone ringing in the other room.

"Wait…wait.." she panted  
"No…you did that to me on purpose" he said ignoring her pleas.  
"It's the phone" she said screaming out in laughter as he grabbed her foot under the covers and began to tickle while pinning her to the mattress with his weight causing her to kick at him. She struggled hitting at his back with her hands laughing and screaming so loud she was going hoarse.

Fighting and wiggling underneath him she almost fell off the side of the bed. "John it's the phone!" she screamed but he wouldn't stop and she thought she would go insane under the constant laughing and struggling. The phone stopped ringing just as they both fell over the side of the bed tangled in the covers.

John's phone in his room began to ring now and they froze. Still under the covers he gave her a _Oooh that's your mom and she knows you are in my room!_ look. Evangeline burst into laughter and tried to get from under the covers rolling around on the floor trapped. Finally breaking free she crawled to the ringing phone on the nightstand dragging the covers with her. John on the floor naked watched her get up to her knees to retrieve it.

"Hello" she panted  
"Cookie?" Lisa said shocked.  
"What is it mom?" Evangeline said giving him an 'ut oh' look. He giggled and reached for her foot but she moved it in time backing away shaking her head no.

"Are you singing in the funeral today? Darlene called and said you were" Lisa asked in a disgusted voice knowing what she must have interrupted.  
"Yes, I'm singing."  
"Well Bishop Murray is presiding and it will be at Mt. Zion AME so you need to speak to the choir director Benjamin about..."  
"Mom, I know the drill. We'll be there in plenty of time. Was that all you needed?"

Lisa grew quiet and Evangeline waited for her to finally say what was on the tip of her tongue "Cookie, you know I love you"

Evangeline watched John get up from the floor and walk naked to the bathroom. Admiring his calves and the roundness of his butt as he walked away she bit down on her lip fighting the urge to drop the phone to go after him. "Yes mom I do…."

"It's just that right now you're hurting Cookie, and its natural to reach to someone when you're in pain. I'm afraid that you would do things that you wouldn't normally…."

"Mom, I understand that you care for me. I'm trying to be respectful of that, but pretty soon I may be forced to end these little talks until you can come to terms with my life choices." Evangeline said rising from the floor and covering her nakedness with the sheet. She went and sat on the now stripped mattress hearing the shower turn on.

"Are you back with him? Are you two a couple?"  
Evangeline stared at the open bathroom door and her lips turned up into a smile "Yes momma and this time its so much better, we're so much better. Please let me be happy and enjoy this. Especially today while I bury my best friend."

"Okay baby….all I ever wanted was your happiness and if John is really going to do that for you then I will respect your decision and support you."

"Thank you momma" Evangeline said relieved  
"See you at the funeral"  
"Bye" 

Hanging up she rose from the bed dropping the sheet. Walking to the bathroom door she stepped inside to see the steam and water sprinkles come up from the shower curtain. She smiled pulling it back seeing him under the shower his hair wet from his recent shampoo. "You started without me" she pouted stepping in.

He winked and pulled her to him under the water. "John wait my hair!" she squealed but it was too late as he brought her under the sprout. She laughed as the water came down upon her face and he lifted her into his arms kissing her. Wrapping her arms around his neck she kissed him back. Feeling his arms around her she relaxed from the safety his embrace brought.

Walking into the Mt. Zion AME, John carried the case of sodas she made him stop and get. The repast was in the church's basement after the service. Ms. Agnes greeted them smiling and Evangeline smiled wider at seeing her hugging her tightly.

"Look at you baby, you are so pretty." Agnes said touching her face.  
"You look good too Mrs. Agnes" Evangeline said kissing her cheek. The older woman stood about five foot two and was round and plump. Her silver hair was in tight sponged roller curls. She was a soft brown complexion and her always twinkled with her smile. She looked over warmly at John and smiled "And who you baby?"

Evangeline touched his back beaming "Mrs. Agnes this is John McBain my boyfriend"  
Mrs. Agnes smiled at him. "Nice to meet you John, take dem soda's down dem stairs over dere" she said pointing to the left. "The repast is in de basement."

John nodded and walked off and Agnes grabbed her hand "He's a handsome one Cookie…"  
Evangeline giggled "Yes he is"

Mrs. Agnes looked back into her face and her smile faded. "They doing the viewing now baby and Charlotte looks so beautiful, you ready to see her?"

The color drained from Evangeline's face and she blinked shocked. In all her exuberance over her new love she forgotten that she'd have to see Charlotte again. The image of her on that metal slab in the ME's office flashed before her eyes and she fought the urge to cry. John came back up the stairs to see Evangeline staring at Ms. Agnes with a painful look on her face. Going to her side he touched her back "You okay?"

Ms. Agnes touched Evangeline face "It's okay baby you don't have to go in yet."  
Evangeline smiled weakly "No I want to pay my respects"  
She grabbed John's hand and squeezed it. "Let's go" she said confidently walking toward the double doors. The young men in suits that were the ushers opened it as she and John stepped on the royal purple carpet that lined the pews and colored the flag above the pulpit with a large gold cross. 

Many mourners were already seated and John saw Lisa and Clay turn around watching them coming down the isle. Evangeline barely noticed those seated. All she saw was her friend lying in the casket as if she was asleep. John felt her squeeze his hand tighter and he looked at her closely to see if she was okay. She appeared calm and collected to everyone but he knew her, each step they took a small piece of her crumbled inside.

Reaching the casket she let go of his had griped the outer side of the casket staring down at Charlotte. She was dressed in a ivory colored suit with a ivory shirt beneath. Evangeline looked at the Macy's department store brand suit and smiled inside. Charlotte wouldn't be caught dead in that in that outfit.

Her hair was curled by not in the precision curls she liked and she wanted to turn and scream that she would never wear her hair like that. Her skin looked rigid and colorless and she saw her cheeks were puffier than normal. Shaking her head she began to cry. This wasn't her friend. She didn't know who this woman was but Charlotte was more beautiful and vibrant than this.

John saw her leaning over and reached for her helping her stand. She went into his arms crying and he hugged her in front of the church with everyone staring. For him none of it mattered. She was all that mattered. Leading her away from the casket he found a seat for them in the fourth row that wasn't marked for the family. Lisa got up and came over to them sitting on the other side of Evangeline pulling her away from him into her arms.

John didn't resist and let her go but he could tell Evangeline wished he hadn't. Soon the Bishop and choir came in and John could see the band getting ready to play. A lady in a white robe with a purpled wide lapel that went down the middle with a gold cross at her breast began to sing. "I'll fly away from here…"

Everybody rose and Evangeline now able to stand on her own reached behind her and grabbed his hand as Charlotte's family came down the isle. Charlotte's mother that he'd met earlier was being held by her father as she wailed loudly. Her two brothers with their wives came behind them crying silently and holding onto them for support. Everyone dressed in black and blues marched in behind them filling the first four rows. John was reminded of his father's funeral and the feeling of hopelessness mixed with profound grief. He closed his eyes as the anxiety gripped his chest and heard the Bishop announce for everyone to take their seats.

Evangeline looked over and saw him sweating, turning pale. She pulled him down to the pew with her and moved closer putting her arm around him. She realized that funerals had to be very hard for him as well. He opened his eyes looking gratefully at her, she always knew what he needed. She mouthed that she loved him into this face and he mouthed it back taking comfort in those words that used to be so painful to say or hear.

They listened to the minister speak, eulogizing a woman he watched grow up in his church from a baby. Evangeline tried to take comfort in his words and with the casket now closed she was able to find some peace. But the fact that she would never see Charlotte again ate away at her heart.

After several others spoke of how she touched and changed their lives Evangeline was called up to the front to sing for her friend. Her legs didn't move at first and John leaned over to her ear whispering encouragement. "You can do this baby"

Swallowing hard she rose and walked out into the isle up to the pulpit. Taking the microphone she listened to the organist play reaching for her voice. Opening her mouth it cracked and he played the lead in again to give her time to collect herself. Looking out into the congregation she saw his face full of love and adoration and felt stronger. She would sing for her friend with all her heart to let them all know how she loved her…

_Amazing Grace…How sweet the sound….That saved a wretch like me…..I once was lost….but now am found….Was blind, but now I see….._

Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear…And Grace my fears relieved…..How precious did that Grace appear…..The hour I first believed…. 

John watched her singing in front of him and absorbed her beauty mixed with her strength, he felt so proud of her. She wore a dark blue suit with a white blouse underneath. Her hair was blown straight and framed around her face and her eyes were closed as she sang from her heart with tears rolling down her face. 

He watched her and each lyric healed a pain in him that sent him all the way back to being nine years old watching his dad bleed to death on the driveway praying the ambulance got there in time. 

_Through many dangers, toils, and snares….I have already come…..'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far….And Grace will lead me home….._

The Lord has promised good to me…..His Word my hope secures….He will my shield and portion be….As long as life endures.

Amazing Grace…How sweet the sound….That saved a wretch like me…..I once was lost….but now am found….Was blind, but now I see….

When Evangeline finished singing John saw many standing fanning toward her or shouting out praises to the lord. Some women in the isles were standing with both their hands raised in the air praying and the overwhelming sense of community and fellowship filled the sanctuary granting him his own peace. Evangeline opened her eyes swollen with tears and looked directly at him smiling. He smiled too. It was grace that saved them both.

Riding back to the hotel John looked over to see her sleeping next to him. She had a full day. After the funeral they went to the gravesite and lowered Charlotte into the ground next to her grandparents. John waited patiently as Evangeline stood by the graveside after everyone left saying her goodbyes to her friend. She didn't cry anymore, the song she sang at the funeral released her pain and now she trusted that her friend was at peace.

Putting on her channel shades she walked back over to him the wind blowing at her navy blue cashmere coat. He took her hand and led her to the car. In that moment he knew that the next step he would make would be to make her his wife. She was everything to him and they were one. It would soon be time to make that official.

At the repast Clay pulled him aside. He told him that he didn't trust him and he didn't think he was worthy of Evangeline's love. But in the end he trusted and respected his niece. If she said that he was what she wanted then he would have to accept that. He apologized for offending him and let him know he'd always be watching. John shook his hand and appreciated the effort it took to come to him. He didn't expect the man's respect after what he learned of his past with Evangeline, but he did expect a fair shot to earn it.

Lisa was much more diplomatic than Clay. She told John that she wanted him to take care of her baby, and to please find the murderer of Charlotte. John hugged her and assured her he would do both.

Now they were on their way to the hotel to rest up for their trip. Their flight didn't leave until early in the morning and he figured he would get her to bed and order room service.

Once they valeted led her sleepily inside and to their rooms. Taking her straight to his she walked in silently coming out of her jacket and clothes. John went to the bathroom and five minutes later when he returned to the room all her clothes were on the floor and she was in his bed naked and asleep.

He smiled and collected her clothes from the floor. Going into the other room he gathered all her things and repacked her stuff the best he could. She would be out for the night he was sure of it and he wanted to make sure that when she did awake there wasn't much a hassle to get her stuff ready.

Brining her stuff into his room he closed the adjourning door. There was no need for it anymore, she wouldn't be leaving his side. Going to the dresser to get the menu for room service he saw his phone blinking. In all the excitement he'd left his cell phone on the table in the hotel room while they went to the funeral.

Picking it up he dialed his voicemail curious for the update he was waiting on.

Message One: _"Lt. McBain this is detective Grey, I have some unfortunate news. It appears that Ryan O'Reilly committed suicide this morning in his cell….Please call me as soon as you arrive back into Chicago" _End of Message.

John eyes grew wide and his face frowned in shock. He replayed the message twice to make sure he heard it correctly. Taking a seat at the table he looked over at Evangeline who was now sound asleep. This news was devastating for them both. Something was terribly wrong. Calling the station he asked the dispatch to connect him with Grey.

"Detective Grey, violent crimes unit speaking"  
"Grey it's McBain…what's going on up there?"  
"Lt. glad you called. Our boy was ready to flip. He asked for the DA yesterday and was scheduled to meet with her this morning. When the guard went for him in holding he found him strangled to death in his cell by his sheet" 

Blowing out a frustrated breath John ran his hands through his hair. "Was he in the cell alone?"

"Yes….and get this, we got him. He was our cop killer. Looks like Charlotte Pryce was right about Cletus Jones. We released him today."

"How did you get him?"  
"The search warrant turned up some interesting things. A hit list of some sort and things from the rash of robberies the cops responded to and were killed. Plus we found Charlottes purse and identification at his house. Looks like case closed. Barnaby is very pleased"

"I bet he is…"John said disgusted  
"Sir?"  
"Never mind I'll be in tomorrow, I want to see all this evidence"  
"Yes sir"

John hung up and tossed the phone. Somehow Barnaby did this. He was cleaning up his mess and tying up loose ends. Well it wasn't going to work, he'd find out how he was connected to these murders including his father's and make the bastard pay.

Rising he came out of his suit jacket and undressed in front of the bed. Crawling on top he got under the sheets with her and pulled her close to him. Smelling her fresh shampooed hair he buried his face into it and closed his eyes. He would hold her and face it all in the morning. Tonight they would just be.


	12. Chapter 12

**The Burden of Love: Mile High Club **

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline put her magazine down in her lap and looked over at John. He had been brooding since they left the hotel. It was barely five in the morning and she knew that they both were groggy but something else was bothering him. The flight attendant offered them something to drink and she agreed to coffee, John barely noted her presence.

Looking at his jaw was clenched with anxiety and that scowl she knew of when he was deep in thought. She frowned at him concerned over what could have him in such a state.

"Okay baby tell me what's wrong…" she said reaching for his hand.  
John looked over at her "I was going to wait until we landed"  
She smiled "I know you were….and I was going to let you, but if it's got you this upset lets talk about it now."

John sighed "Ryan O'Reilly committed suicide yesterday"  
Evangeline sucked in her breath "What…"  
"Yes, and I think it wasn't an accident."  
"Barnaby?"  
"Has to be…"  
"John oh god" Evangeline said shaking her head.  
"I don't know where we go with this Van but I'm not giving up"  
"He's dead! I mean everything leads to him and he was the only lead to Barnaby. How do we go anywhere from here?"

John cut his eyes in frustration. Something was there underneath it all, something he missed. Maybe the key was to go back to the beginning. How did Ryan know Barnaby 30 years ago? What was my dad working on?

"Something is up with Ryan and Barnaby and if we could figure out the root of their collaboration we got this creep."

Evangeline glanced out of the window at the now rising sun "That means we need to go back to New Jersey sweetie. The road starts there"

John nodded "But first I need to see what was left in O'Reilly's home. The man would have to have known that we would search his place."

"That's true"  
John grabbed her hand "Hey look at me..."  
Turning she looked at him and smiled.  
"We will beat him at his own game, it's just going to take some team work. You up for it?" he asked sweetly

"As long as I'm at your side I can face it all."  
"That's my girl" he said leaning over and kissing her gently on the lips. She touched his face and kissed him back. John lifted the arm rest between them and moved closer to her. Evangeline giggled as he slid his hand across her belly up under her sweater. "John…stop!" she said pushing his hand away.

"I want to make you part of the mile high club" he said now nibbling on her ear.  
"Are you serious? We have to deal with…"  
"I know we have to deal with the murder and murderers. When we land we will be full speed ahead…this is my last chance." He whispered seductively in her ear as he grabbed her breast tenderly.

"I'll meet you in five minutes" she said submitting to his advances and enjoying it.

John let her go kissing her nose. "Three minutes" he said getting up and heading to the back of the plane. Evangeline shook her head laughing softly watching him go. She looked back out the window of the plane thinking about O'Reilly, his death was disappointing to her. She wanted him to suffer in the same way he made Charlotte suffer. Swallowing her bitterness and accepting the fact that matters of life and death were beyond her control she undid her seatbelt and rose from her seat.

Going down the isle she saw several passengers look up at her as she passed and she smiled sweetly thinking of her horny devil that waited for her. Arriving at the closeted bathroom and seeing the _in use_ light on she giggled and tapped on the door lightly.

John opened it and pulled her inside quickly shutting it behind them. She hadn't realized how small and cramped the bathroom was. The two of them were facing each other and the metal toilet was right behind her calves. The wall was right behind his back and the sink made it impossible to move. "John we can't…."

John kissed her forcing her to be quiet reaching down and undoing her pants. She grabbed his face kissing him back as she felt him forcing her pants and panties down urgently. Laughing at how he struggled to get her out of her clothes she kicked her way out of her pants feeling his hand on her bare butt as he lifted her to the metal sink.

Snatching his pants down to his knees she parted her legs and held onto his neck as he positioned himself to enter her. She always wondered what the mile high club meant. When he pushed his way into her she finally knew the answer to that question.

The blood rushed to her head and her heartbeat quickened making her gasp loudly. The feeling of floating took over her senses and she dug her nails into his skin as a reflex reaction. John was so needy he pulled her closer to the edge of the sink and grunted loudly in her ear while devouring her neck. "Oh god…" she panted grabbing the handles on the wall of the narrow space tightly because the orgasmic rush was so powerful she couldn't hold back.

Her lover could control his urges and drove himself in and out of her long after she shook with orgasmic spasms. "Oh God!" she screamed out as he stuck his tongue in her ear "Baby be quiet" he whispered afraid they would get caught from her loud cries.

She giggled realizing that she was yelling more in this experience than she did when they were in the hotel. Unable to stop herself and feeling her chest pound as her adrenaline rushed through her veins she moaned loudly again tilting her head back.

He kissed her neck and found that the urge to cry out with her was over taking him. So he kissed her forcefully to silence them both and held her tightly as he squeezed off his seed into her. She relished the feeling of his powerful organ vibrating inside of her as the feeling of weightlessness made it all the more intense. It was something she wanted to do with him over and over again.

Just as they exhausted themselves they heard a knock on the door.  
"Is everything okay in there?" The flight attendant asked concerned.   
"Yes….I'm fine! I'll be out in a moment" Evangeline said and John laughed quietly into her neck.

Evangeline pinched his butt "Shhhh…"  
He pulled out of her and grabbed tissues to clean himself and her. They struggled to dress and finally it was John that had to pull her pants and underwear up. "I should go out first.." she said

"Either way we're busted baby"   
"Nope you will be busted! I will be in my seat by the time they catch you" she giggled  
He shook his head and turned sideways so she could squeeze by. Before she reached the door he pressed against her and slid his hand over her breast holding her close. "That was so worth it"

"Mmmm yes it was" she said leaning into his strong hard chest.  
Kissing the inside of her neck he inhaled her scent "I'm sorry that he's dead Van, but we will figure it all out"  
"I know baby." She said turning around. Kissing him on the lips she smiled in his face. "We'll do our best John, but we won't stop living because of our disappointments. Our love is always going to be priority"

He bumped foreheads with her and slid his hand down her back "Damn right" he said chuckling.

Evangeline walked into her apartment dropping icy snow flakes in her wake. She and John took two separate cabs from the airport. He needed to get to the station to see detective Grey, so she agreed to take their luggage to her place and wait to hear from him.

"You can drop the bags over there" she said pointing to the left of the room for the cabby.

He dropped all of the luggage and she paid him. Closing the door behind him she smiled to finally be back home. Funny how now that she and John were together she felt at home. Dropping her mail on the table near the door she shed her coat and caught a glimpse of her blinking answering machine across the room.

Going to her answer machine she pressed the play button then walked over to her windows to pull open the blinds and let light into her place.

Message One:_ "Ms. Williamson its Cletus. They let me out and back at my grandmothers. I really need to see you ummm…it's about Ms. Pryce. Please call me."_ End of Message.

Message Two:_ "Ms. Williamson its Cletus again, I need to talk to you. I saw on the news what happened to Mr. O'Reilly. I think we should talk. Please call me back it's an emergency."_ End of Message

Message Three:_"Ms. Williamson its Marble. They came and took Cletus. They just won't leave my boy alone! He's a good boy. Please call me! I went to the station and they won't let me see him"_ End of Message.

Evangeline now on the other side of the room thumbing through her mail froze at the desperate message from Marble. Dropping the mail she went back to the answering machine and played the message over again. Hearing it correctly her heart began to sink with dread. Grabbing the phone she called Marble.

"Hello" Marble said sadly into the phone.  
"Marble it's me Evangeline..."  
"Oh baby…" she said her voice cracking and choking on her tears. "They took my grandbaby again. They came in here and dragged him out"

Evangeline began to pace. "They? Who took him Marble?"  
"The police…they came in here around four in the morning breaking in my door. They dragged him from bed. Ms. Williamson he's been here since he got out, he hasn't done anything wrong. They already beat him when he was in that place. What are they doing to him!" she wailed.

"Calm down Marble I will find out what's going on" Evangeline said feeling the makings of a panic attack gripping her. She went and grabbed her purse then worked her coat back on.

"I just don't understand why they would want to hurt my boy" she whimpered  
"Did they say what he was charged with?" Evangeline asked concerned.  
"No, they pushed past me and dragged him out"   
"Okay…I'm on my way to the station and I will call you from there"  
"Thank you.."  
"No problem and Marble he's going to be fine. I promise you."

Evangeline hung up and raced out of her place. She didn't have time to call a cab and would have to brave the storm in her Mercedes. It didn't matter she needed to find Cletus and figure out what was being done to him. Something was terribly wrong.

John walked into Detective Grey's office. He'd already been down in the evidence room checking over the things brought from O'Reilly's home. The list was like the one planted in Cletus's room. The only thing that may have been genuine was Charlotte's purse. Everything else was too damn convenient for his liking.

Grey looked up at him shocked "Lt. I didn't know you'd be here so soon."

"What's going on Grey…how did our suspect commit suicide on your watch?" John sasked glaring at him walking toward his desk. Grey sat back in his chair agitated. The D.A. already chewed his ass out and if it wasn't for the Chief he damn near would be on suspension over this. He had no idea why or how that asshole did what he did but everyone sure as hell thought he did. He's been asked that question seems like every hour on the hour since O'Reilly's body was found.

He glared at John sick of the implication that he was negligent. This wasn't his fault dammit. He didn't cause this and sure as hell couldn't have prevented it.

"The gravity of what he was facing got to him sir. This was something that couldn't have been prevented." Grey said trying to downplay the severity of his screw up.

John glared at him placing both hands on the back of the chair in his office. "Cut the shit…I want to know everything you do!"

"Welcome back!" Barnaby said walking in behind him. John turned around to see his nemesis smiling at him. "It sure is good to have you back at work. Doesn't seem like you put in a full day since you accepted the position"

John smirked "Well I heard since I left you had an inmate kill himself, guess I was more needed than either of us expected."

Barnaby nodded "Look son, I know that O'Reilly's death hit home for you"  
"Has nothing to do with that Jacob. Like you said this wasn't personal right? The man was the main suspect in a murder, I think you and he department need to be very thorough in the investigation of his death."

Barnaby narrowed his eyes on him "And why is that?"  
John smiled confidently "Because we could have other victims of course. We don't know how many cold case files could be resolved."

Grey shook his head "From what I can tell he's been killing cops and only cops"  
John looked back at the detective. "That's why you investigate. What you can tell from a surface scan has nothing to do with what lies beneath…isn't that right Jacob?"

Barnaby looked at John amused and the war between them was declared in the heated glare they exchanged.

Grey cleared his throat nervously "I don't know what more can be done on this one Lt…"  
"Don't worry detective I will assist you, we won't leave one stone unturned" John said smugly still glaring at Barnaby.

Barnaby folded his arms and stepped in front of John "Don't you think you need to catch up on all the other cases in this department?"

John shrugged dismissively and before he could say something smart Evangeline burst into the office. "John…"

They all turned and looked at her surprised. John stepped around Barnaby. "What's wrong?"

"Can we talk" she asked frowning at Barnaby who was smiling evilly at her. John looked back at Barnaby then Evangeline confused. "Yeah let's go to my office."

She walked out her hands in her coat heading quickly to his office. He knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong with the desperate way she raced toward his office. He could see panic in her face and it scared him. Walking in behind her he closed the door. "What…"  
"It's Cletus John"  
John blinked at her surprised "I told you they released him" 

Evangeline began to pace running her hands through her hair nervously. "He left me several messages saying that he knew something about Charlotte's murder and to call him. Then I got a message from Marble that he was taken. I spoke to her John and she said two officers came to the house before dawn today and took from his bed."

John looked out of the glass window in his office. Barnaby was standing in the bullpen talking to another officer watching them. "Have you checked to see if he's here?" 

She nodded her eyes glistening with fear "He's not here, and something is going on. I can't tell you how scared I am about this one John. Cletus could be really hurt."

Walking over to his desk he plopped down in his leather chair and logged on to the network. Evangeline tossed her purse to the chair in front of his desk and continued to pace. Moving across the floor with one hand on her hip parting her black coat she looked as if she would come out of her skin. She was still in her black slacks and purple cashmere cabled sweater from the flight. Her hair was scooped behind her left her ear and the tension in her stride was apparent in her face.

"Is it Barnaby? Is he trying to shut up Cletus?"  
"I would suppose so but I doubt that Cletus knew about Barnaby."  
"What are you doing?"  
John began typing on the computer "Checking to see if any of the precincts have picked him up or if there are any warrants out for him. Tell me those messages he left again"

Evangeline walked over to his desk. "I can do better than that" she said grabbing his phone and putting it on speaker. She dialed her answering machine and played them both for him. Listening to the desperation in his voice her stomach clenched. "Oh god, he's a kid…please say he's going to be alright John"

John pushed away from the computer shaking his head "He hasn't been picked up by any of the Chicago Police Departments"

"Jesus….what do we do now?"

John shook his head sadly, we have to find him and quick. Evangeline walked back over to the window in his office staring out of it. She thought about Cletus battered face and his voice on the answer machine. What could he have known that would warrant hurting him like this? What did she miss?

"Maybe we should go see Marble again, she can give us a description of the cops" she said turning to John. He shook his head. "She wouldn't know where they took him. We need to get into Barnaby's head. If he wanted Cletus silenced how would he do it."

"Killing Cletus this fast would be too conspicuous. Something tells me he's got him stashed somewhere" Evangeline said wringing her hands nervously.

John smiled "You're right and I think I might know where"

Turning she looked at him shocked. "Where?"

John reached for the phone and started dialing. Evangeline watched him confused. She began to realize how well they actually did work together. With no more tension between them their focus was grounded. Now they had a 16 year old missing kid on their hands and a chief of police that was orchestrating it all.

She heard him talking to Eve about the cabins that the Barnaby's vacationed out of. Writing down information he smiled into the phone and Evangeline felt some hope.

John hung up and turned around to see her watching. "It's a long shot babe, but maybe Cletus has something they want. Maybe we can get to him"

"You know where he is?"  
"The Barnaby's have a rental in Galena do you know far that is?"  
Evangeline nodded "Over an hour and half drive, in this weather god knows how long it will take. What if we're wrong and waste valuable time?"

"It's a chance we have to take. I'm working off instinct here babe mixed with some desperation. Barnaby knows we'd pull out all stops to find him here in the Chicago area. I really think that he removed Cletus so killing and disposing of him would be easier."

"Well you know I'm going right?" She said putting her hand on her hip and narrowing her eyes on him waiting for the protest.

John looked at her and thought about Barnaby's escalating violence. The death of Charlotte is enough to keep her close. "You remember how to fire this?" he said pulling the gun from behind his back and putting it on the desk.

Evangeline nodded "Yes…and load it too"   
"Then you're coming with me" he said rising and handing her the gun. "We will swing by your place and get my other piece." 

She nodded and walked out. John walked over to Barnaby holding her hand smiling "Taking my lady to lunch see you later" he said slipping his arm around Evangeline waist then pulling her along.

Barnaby looked at him suspiciously but said nothing. Evangeline looked over her shoulder at him as they left and she saw it on his face. He was the monster at the root of it all.


	13. Chapter 13

**The Burden of Love: The Blizzard**

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline watched the snowy landscape pass by her window as they headed up the interstate to Galena. She was worried sick about Cletus and what condition they would find him in. If they found him at all. Listening to the radio talk about the snow storm barreling down from northern Illinois she frowned. "John do you think we will be okay….I mean this storm sounds bad."

John looked over at her so deep in his own thoughts he barely heard a word she said "What storm?"

"The radio, it said there was an advisory warning for a snowstorm. It's coming from northern Illinois."

John returned his attention to the road slowing down some taking note of the large flakes that were beginning to come with a fierce intensity. "I think we'll be okay. It's still early so if we can just get there within the next few hours we should be okay"

Evangeline reached down for her Prada bag and retrieved her cell phone. Opening it she saw she had no bars for a signal. "Dammit"  
"Who were you going to call?" he said looking at her curious.  
"Marbel, I promised I would update her…"  
"Well hold off on that just yet. We don't know if or how we will find Cletus" he said merging to a slower lane to let the big eighteen wheeler ridding his bumper pass him.

"Okay…..I just got this sinking feeling that we may be too late."  
John nodded "The storm may work to our advantage. Maybe they have him held up in the cabin and are waiting it out."

"Yeah maybe…." She mumbled.  
"We'll find him…"  
"John you don't know that. My god he's just sixteen, why on earth would Barnaby involve him in the first place?"  
"I wish I knew sweetie…"  
"I wish none of this never happened. I just don't know how much more I can take" she said shaking her head and blowing out a frustrated breath.

John looked at her "This has been one interesting reunion."  
She leaned back in her seat fixing the vent so the heat could blow directly on her. "I can't believe the path we took to get to where we are now."

She thought about the fights, the love, the heartache and the friendship. She'd never experienced so many wonderful yet painful emotions with anyone. Looking back out her window she wondered what they'd do once the dust settled. Do they just ride off into the sunset? Do they have kids and a life together? Marriage wasn't an option as far as she was concerned and she was pretty sure he felt the same way. What they had didn't need that type of labeling.

"What are you thinking about?"  
She smiled and looked back at him "Just how much I love you"  
"Ditto" 

They drove the rest of the way in a comfortable silence both of them trying to puzzle out the mystery of Barnaby and his murder spree. John recalled the friendship his father had with Barnaby as a child and could remember no hostilities between the men.

Evangeline thought about Cletus's missions to track cops and learn their routines. Why those cops? What made them expendable? "John, the murder of your father happened at your home right?"

John nodded "I was inside the house only for a few minutes after arriving home from school when I heard the gunshots. I ran out side to see him on the ground"

"Did you see the car?"  
"I was so traumatized by the fact that he was shot I just couldn't recall any details."  
Evangeline touched his knee "Baby that had to be so hard for you. I can't imagine what seeing him like that did to you."  
John's face darkened and he tried to keep it in perspective. The memory of his dad's death always gave him a suffocating feeling of hopelessness, even with her at his side. "It was hard but it was beyond my control"

"That's right, you were only nine"  
"Yeah nine…" he said softly his voice trailing off.

Evangeline saw the storm was intensifying they barely had any visibility. Her Mercedes navigation system let them know they were headed in the right direction but she was worried that they were heading toward trouble.

Turning off the expressway Evangeline relaxed and trusted that with him they'd conquer all. John reached for her hand while driving the icy road and she squeezed his ready for what was to come next.

"So have you spoken to Barnaby?" Jason asked eating cereal and watching his show. Matt a young officer in his late twenties with a shaved head and cocoa colored skin paced back and forth going to the window. "He hasn't called because the lines are down. It's that damn storm!" 

"Would you stop pacing….he said that we were to wait" Jason said looking back at the Magnum P.I. rerun he was watching. Jason was large man standing over six foot five and weighing close to 300 pounds. He Hispanic and had a very bad case of acne that left severe scaring across his face.

"Relax? It's a fucking blizzard. I don't want to be stuck out here with this shit. I'm sick of this man, I just needed some extra dough but this is getting way out of hand." Matt said holding his gun pacing.

He and Jason had been partners for four years. They did petty shake downs of drug dealers in the projects but never anything this heavy. That was until two years ago when Jacob Barnaby invited them on a fishing trip with a select few of other officers. There they met Ryan O'Reilly and were introduced into a brotherhood that would have them retiring before they reach forty.

Then it all went to shit. Now it's was just them left, even Ryan O'Reilly was dead and Matt had the sinking feeling that none of it was an accident. "I say we kill the kid and head back before the storm traps us in"

Jason slurped the milk from the bowl turning it up, once done he tossed the empty dish to the table and burped. "Fuck that! I want my money. Barnaby is coming here and he wants to deal with the kid. We wait until we hear from him."

Matt plopped down in the chair across from him. "I'm sick of this man. Everyone's dead! Pete, Tommy, Henry, Alton all dead now and I'm telling you it's not an accident. "

"So what if it isn't? Tommy was flaking out and you know that the others were turning on Barnaby; we stay loyal and get the payday. Two years of this shit we deserve it." Jason said angrily

Hearing a thud in the back room Matt jumped turning around. Jason laughed at his reaction and rose from the sofa "Sounds like our delinquent is causing trouble. I think I will head back there and discipline him."

Matt rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. "Whatever"

John and Evangeline pulled up the winding road seeing the cabin that off the road surrounded by dense forests. The navigation system said they arrived at their destination and Evangeline looked at him anxious. "Now what?"

The windshield wipers swiped through the downpour making a swishing noise and John turned off the radio. Leaning up in his seat he could make out what he thought to be a police cruiser in the drive way. "I need to get inside, looks like we were right."

Evangeline looked toward the cabin. "You can't very well go knock on the door. Somehow we need to lure them out. Let me do it."  
"No.."  
"John.."  
"No…"

She sucked her teeth "Listen to me please…I can go up the driveway and tell them my car stalled. Get at least one or both of them to come back out here to the road. You can wait for us over there" she said pointing at the forest on the right. I won't even go inside" 

John stared at the cabin and thought about it. In all his haste to get here he never had a real plan to deal with these goons. Now with the snow falling like it was he just couldn't figure out a way to make this happen without involving her. "Do you have your gun?"

"Yes….I will keep it in my pocket. We're running out of time….we need to act now."  
"Fine…"

Evangeline slipped on her gloves and worked her arms back into the sleeves of her jacket. Reaching for the door handle to brave the storm outside of the car John grabbed her arm. "Hey wait….if they try to talk you into coming inside refuse. If I see it getting out of hand I'm coming for you."

Evangeline smiled, leaning over she kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you baby. It will be okay I promise." Turning she opened the door and raced out into the storm. John got out of his side of the car to see her running up the driveway. Pulling his gun he went to the other side of the car to the wooded area for cover.

Hearing the kid screaming in the back Matt cut his eyes. He just wanted it all over. This was getting out of hand and these deaths made him sick to his stomach. Chewing on his bottom lip he actually considered just rushing out of the door and jumping in the cruiser leaving Jason behind. 

KNOCKKNOCK

The sudden knock surprised him; he stared at the door confused at first. It had to be Barnaby in this storm and he was relieved that he was already here. Rising from the sofa he went to the door and opened it to see an attractive black woman standing on the porch her hair crowned with snowflakes. They were even stuck to her long lashes. She flashed him a sexy smile "I'm sorry for disturbing you, but I saw your police cruiser and thought you could help me."

Matt looked her and up and down. She looked familiar somehow but he couldn't place her face. Looking past her he saw up the driveway her car on the edge of the road. "What seems to be the problem?"  
Evangeline turned and pointed back. "My car….can you take a look?"  
"What's wrong with you car?"  
"I don't know it slowed then cut off. The lights are on but nothing happens when I try to turn it over"

The wind from the storm blew over Matt and he shook off the frost. "Come inside"  
"Please….just come and check for me. I really am desperate."  
Jason came from back and saw Matt at the door. "Who is it?"  
"Someone said their car stalled." Matt called over his shoulder.

Jason walked toward the door. Cletus was out cold now and wouldn't make a noise. He saw the woman standing there smiling and smiled back. "Let me help you" he said grabbing his police bubble jacket. Matt turned and frowned "Help her what? It's a storm out there, what could you do?"

Jason flashed Matt and angry look "We can't very well have company now can we?" he hissed.

Evangeline watched the exchange between the two. Her hand was in her coat pocket fingering the heavy gun that John gave her. She recognized the man that opened the door immediately. He was a responding officer to one of her cases and she'd had him on the stand before. She was more than nervous that he would know who she was. For the moment he didn't.

Matt walked away from the door aggravated while the other officer came out the door. She stepped back into the storm allowing him room to close the door. "What's your name pretty lady?"

Evangeline looked at him and smiled slyly. "Charlotte…"  
"Well Charlotte let's see what we can do" he said grinning.

She nodded walking off the porch back into the storm. Matt watched them go into the go up the driveway toward the road. The car was partially shielded by the forest that lined the property so when the turned onto the street he could no longer see them. He couldn't shake the feeling that he knew her from somewhere. But where?

Jason eyed the back of her under her coat. He found her tasty and wondered why she was out here on this desolate end of the road. Walking ahead of him Evangeline scanned the forest for John. The cold was almost paralyzing and she hated that she didn't have a hat. "So what's the problem with the car" she heard him call out behind her.

She looked over her shoulder. "Won't start."  
Jason nodded "Then that may mean you hang back with us" he chuckled looking up at the car. Evangeline stopped and smiled at him and Jason frowned. The car was running. "What the fuck?"

"Don't move…" John said coming up from behind him.

Jason turned to see John surprised. He reached for his gun and John yelled to Evangeline to get down for cover. Evangeline dove to the side of the car hearing the gunshots before landing in the snow. She rolled over and fumbled for her gun in the pocket of her jacket screaming at the thought that John was shot.

Rising to her hands and knees she crawled over to the edge of the car and looked up to see the officer in the snow bleeding and John standing over him with the gun. "John!" she screamed rising to her feet and racing to him. He opened his arms to her and she raced into them. The snow falling harder now had them both covered in it. She clung to him crying. "Oh god I thought he shot you"

"No baby but I'm sure the other one heard the shots……come on…" he said grabbing her hand and pulling her into the forest.

Matt watched them reach the end of the drive and then turn to the street where the car was. In that moment it came to him. It was her, that black attorney that put him on the stand and humiliated him. She was the lawyer for that kid in the back. "Oh shit!" he said turning to run toward the room where the kid was. Before taking three steps he heard gunshots. Grabbing his gun he went straight into the room.

Cletus was tied up and badly beaten. He jumped and looked at Matt fearful when he entered the room. Matt held the gun on him. "You will do what I say or you won't be leaving here alive I promise you that."

Cletus nodded fearfully. He just wanted to escape the hell he was trapped in.

Arriving on the porch John let go of her hand "I want you to stay here"  
"No…" she said shivering.  
John looked at her and could kill himself for bringing her out here. The storm was now blowing at them making it hard to breathe through it. "Baby….please"  
"If you don't come back out in five minutes John I'm coming in." she said and he could see the determined look on her face.

"Give me 10…." He replied kissing her forehead then going to the door. Evangeline stepped back and watched as he kicked the door in racing inside with his gun drawn.

John came in to see Matt standing with the gun to Cletus head "Drop the fucking gun or I'll kill him."

Keeping the gun trained on him he smiled slightly "You kill him then you're right behind him."  
"I'm not playing man….drop the gun!"   
"Why are you going to loose it all for Barnaby? This is his doing right?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Matt hissed  
"Sure you don't, which is why you are held up in a blizzard in his cabin"

"Cut the shit just drop the gun!" Matt yelled.  
Cletus was barely standing and John could see his pain. Thinking of Evangeline outside of the door he had to neutralize the situation. Raising the gun above his head he nodded "Okay….I'm letting go of my piece"

Lowering the gun to the floor Matt held on tightly to Cletus. As soon as John backed away from his gun he dropped Cletus who fell in a heap to the floor. John looked at the kid and saw he was in bad shape. He glared at Matt. "What the hell is this about? Why the hell did you have to torture a child?" 

"Trust me that ain't no child. He's as guilty as I am." Matt said going to the floor and getting the gun "Now where is that attorney?"

John looked over his shoulder "She was shot along with your partner."  
Matt looked at him suspiciously "Shot hunh?"  
"Yeah….."  
"Close the door." Matt said keeping the gun on him.

John walked over to the door and closed it. He prayed that Evangeline waited it out a little longer but the snow storm outside would bring her inside soon. He really fucked this up.

"Now sit down while I think" Matt said and John could see the nervous hold he had on the gun. Going to Cletus he helped the boy off the ground. Cletus looked up at him confused as to who he was but allowed him to help him to the sofa. The way he cradled his left side and the blood in his mouth led him to believe he had some cracked ribs among other things. They needed to get him to a hospital. Matt watched them closely pacing.

John looked back "We need to get him to a hospital"  
"Are you kidding me? I can give a shit about either of you….I need to get out of here"  
"How far do you think you will get?"  
Matt began to pace and John saw he wasn't as confident as he claimed to be. Maybe he could use that to his advantage.

Evangeline looked into the window watching the entire thing unfold. When John closed the door her heart sunk. It would be up to her. She had to get them out of this. Cletus looked hurt really bad and she was so afraid of what would happen next. Hearing a car she turned around confused. 

Coming up the road was the rumbling of an engine above the howl of the wind that whipped at her body. Ducking to the left she stepped to the side of the cabin just as the car came into view. She prayed that whoever was in it didn't see her. Holding the gun with snow coming down on her she tried to keep a handle on her nerves. Their lives depended on it.

Hearing the door open and close she looked around the corner to see Barnaby. He hadn't seen her and was coming up the sidewalk. He stopped on the steps and looked back toward the car and scene he had to pass when he came up the road. Pulling his gun from the inside of his jacket he opened the door to the cabin and stepped inside.

Evangeline leaned back on the side of the cabin. Shivering in the snow she tried to think. How in the hell could she fix this? What should she do now?


	14. Chapter 14

**The Burden of Love: Secrets **

by tarskeewee08

Barnaby walked inside bringing the frosty blast of the storm with him. The sight he saw was of no surprise to him. His eyes immediately locked with John's and a amused smiled curled on his lips. Slipping his gun inside of his jacket he shook his head slowly. "I knew when I saw Jason's body it was you son…."

"Really? How perceptive of you…." John hissed he tried to play it cool but where was Evangeline? Did he do something to her?  
Matt looked at John confused "Who is he Barnaby?"  
"Your new Lt." he said chuckling as Matt's eyes grew even larger. Barnaby looked over at Cletus's battered body. The young man was on the sofa barely conscious. "What the hell did you do to him!" he roared.

Matt looked at Cletus confused "We just roughed him up, just to get him to tell us where it was that's all. He put up a fight and it got out of hand. It was Jason I swear it."

"I told you two not to hurt him until I got here. I take it he didn't tell you where my damn money was?"

Matt looked away "No sir" 

Barnaby took off his coat and shook off the snow that clung to him. "Where is she?" he asked tossing his coat on the back of the chair and scowling at John then Matt.

John looked over at Matt and said nothing his heart was pounding in his chest ever since Barnaby stepped through the door without her.

Matt shrugged "If you mean that attorney, he said that she was shot with Jason" 

Barnaby rolled his eyes "And you believed him? Are you that dumb?"  
"Now wait a minute! I didn't sign on board for this! I….."  
"Shut up! She's out there probably around the house somewhere. Find her and bring her in while I think of a way to deal with them."

Matt nodded and walked to the door. John stood up quickly. "She's not out there!" he snapped

Barnaby smiled at him. "She won't be hurt….not yet. I advise you to sit down son me and you have some unfinished business."

John glared at him. "Yeah we do…"  
He watched Matt put on his coat and thought about her out there in the cold storm. How did Barnaby not see her when he came in? Was she in the woods hiding? Oh god he hoped so, he needed to think fast it was coming down really hard outside.

Evangeline shivered in the snow her teeth chattering making her jaws vibrate. She had to think of something and quick. From the side of the house she looked in the window to see the cop who was familiar to her putting on his coat. That could only mean he was coming for her. She smiled to herself. That would be perfect.

Dropping the gun into the snow on the side of the cabin she looked around for a heavy stick. Finding some kindling stacked against the wall she picked up the longest piece gripping it firmly between her hands. She couldn't shoot Matt and draw attention to herself out here. Barnaby would kill them for sure. Going to the edge of the cabin she peaked around the corner to see Matt come through the door looking into the blizzard. She was so cold her hands, although covered in gloves, were frozen stiff and hurting. Holding tightly to the wood she saw he was headed for the other side of the cabin and she couldn't allow that. He had to come toward her.

Bending down and sticking her hand into the ankle deep snow she tried to feel for a rock or something. Coming up with nothing she blew out a bloom of frustrated breath. "God help me" Turning she went back to the wood pile and grabbed a piece of wood then threw it into the forest. To her surprise she actually connected with a tree making a loud thud. Peaking again around edge of the cabin she saw him stop and look back over his shoulder. He was going to come to her.

Matt heard a thud behind him and turned around quickly. "You out there?" he called out.  
Pulling out his gun he walked back down the wooden porch with his gun drawn. The snow storm was so fiercely blowing large flakes directly onto the porch and the wind whipped around him making it painfully cold. "Hey come out I won't hurt you……aren't you cold?"

Evangeline pressed her back against the cabin wall. Her lashes were thick with snow and so was her hair. She tried to steady her breathing that was becoming ragged from the constant battle to stay warm. Her teeth continued to chatter and her lips were purple and cracking. She had to do something soon. She didn't know how much more of this she could take.

"Listen to me…I just want to bring you inside so we can work this out." Matt said nearing the edge of the porch. He looked through the blanketed snow falling into the forest on the side of the cabin and knew she was out there watching. Smiling he thought about how tough she acted in the courtroom, well she wasn't so tough now. He didn't even know why he had the gun drawn. He could handle her easily and wrap this up pretty quickly.

Stepping down the step grinning he decided to drag her ass back inside and get out the cold before he froze to death. "Look I'm through playing……"

WACK

Evangeline heard something crack in his face when she connected the wood with him as he stepped off the side of the porch. She couldn't believe she hit her target on the first try. Matt fell to the ground in a heap his nose bleeding. Dropping the wood she ran to his side checking for a pulse. It was there but faint "Thank god….." she whispered.

Grabbing him she dragged him from the snow onto the porch so he wouldn't freeze to death. Her body aching from being exposed to the storm for so long had her wheezing as she pulled him along. Finally getting him secure she ran back off the porch to where she left the gun. The snow had fallen so thick it was buried.

"Oh god….no god please help me" she said digging through the snow. Panic making it even harder to find it and the cold causing her to loose control she felt the making of tears welling in her eyes. "Please god……please help us."

Pushing against the snow her hand touched something hard and she knew instantly it was the gun. Pulling it free she kissed the cold steel. Come hell or high water it was show time. She had to go inside now.

Looking back into the window she saw that Barnaby was relaxed grinning at John with his gun in his holster. He would be expecting Matt, so the element of surprise was still in her favor. Saying another silent prayer she raced back to the porch.

"What's this all about?" John asked his anxiety growing with Evangeline outside with that animal. He needed Barnaby distracted while he came up with something, anything to free him from the helplessness of the situation.

"Ask your buddy over there…..he has something I want" Barnaby hissed  
John looked at Cletus who was out again from the pain of the unwarranted attack. Touching his neck he felt his pulse strongly pumping in his throat.

"So you beat him half to death? What kind of sicko are you?"  
Barnaby shook his head "You have no idea what's going on, so don't sit there and judge me. I swear you are Thomas's boy through and through. It was the death of him and it will be the death of you."

Before John could respond Evangeline came crashing into the door with the gun raised. John looked at her shocked and Barnaby reached for his gun. "Don't…..you dare….I…..I will shoot I swear" she said stuttering and shaking badly.

Her face was pale and she was covered in snow. John could she the shivers racing through her body. Rising form the sofa he went to her and Barnaby lowered his hand glaring at her. The snow from outside was blowing into the cabin so he shut the door before touching her. "Baby….."  
Evangeline held the gun with both hands trained on him still shaking. John saw she was somewhat in shock. He was so proud of her and worried sick over the condition she appeared in. "Give me the gun…" he said reaching for it.

"Noooo….tie…tie…. him up first!" she stammered. John looked from Barnaby to her. "Where's the other one?" he asked

"On….the….the porch"  
"Wait here and if he moves then you shoot him baby." He said going to the door. Evangeline nodded and Barnaby glared at them both. Within minutes he came back dragging Matt in with him. Evangeline moved over so they could get into the cabin still keeping the gun on Barnaby.

John closed the door and immediately fished for his handcuffs. "Throw your handcuffs to her feet" John yelled over his shoulder.  
"No! I won't be shackled like some common thug…." Barnaby snapped  
"You'll do it or I swear I'll have you wearing a pamper for the rest of your miserable short life." She said lowering the gun down to point it at his crotch.

Barnaby eyes grew wide. "Fine.." he huffed taking the cuffs off his belt and tossing them. John cuffed Matt then got up going to her feet retrieving the other cuffs.

"Get up!" he snapped at Barnaby. The chief rose reluctantly and John turned him around handcuffing him. He walked him out of the room and led him to another room in the cabin.

With them gone Evangeline was finally able to lower the gun but her hands remained frozen to it. John came back in the room and went to Matt picking him up and taking him into a different room. She didn't know what he was doing and didn't care. She went to the sofa dropping the gun onto the table next to it. Cletus was still out and she winced at the bruising she saw on his face and hands. Shaking off her coat she felt her body warming. "Cletus" she said going to his side.

He didn't stir and a sense of panic rose in her from his stillness. Touching the side of his face he felt warm and she prayed there were no internal injuries. 

John came back out to see her on the sofa tending to him. She was wet from the now melted snow in her hair and face. "Evangeline"   
Rising she went to him "Oh John I'm so glad you're safe" she said hugging him.  
"I'm glad you're safe too baby, I can't believe you took control like this" he said smiling at her and then kissing her forehead.

She hugged him tightly placing her head on his chest. "I would walk through Hades twice for you"   
"I love you too" he said warmly.

"What did you do with Barnaby?" she asked  
"Made him comfortable for our little question and answer chat." He said letting her go and going over to the gun she left on the coffee table.

"John we have to get the police here." She said frowning at him holding the gun.  
"Look at that storm baby….I tried the phone in the room its out. No one can get to us."  
"Cletus needs medical attention. We can try the radio in the squad car outside." She said walking to her coat.

"NO!" he snapped  
Evangeline stopped and turned shocked "What's wrong?"  
John ran his hand through his hair nervously "I need to know why my father died."  
She looked at him for a long moment then at the gun in his hand. "John what are you going to do?"

"I just need some answers Van" he said gripping the gun tightly.  
"John…..sweetie, we need to get out of here and take Barnaby in. We can get the answers you need."

"NO! He gets back to the station he lawyers up. Before long this will all be tossed. You know the drill" he said turning and heading toward the room. Evangeline went after him and yanked his arm. When that didn't work she got in front of him. "This isn't the way baby….."

"Move..."  
"Listen to me. You told me once that justice and revenge were not the same thing. What you're seeking right now is revenge. I lost someone too and I carry the burden of that loss just like you carry the burdens on your heart, but we aren't executioners. It's not us that's them!" she said her voice cracking.

John stared into her eyes and saw the love in them. "I need to know what happened." he said weakly.

"You already know. Your father saw the corrupt ways of Barnaby and tried to stop him. Barnaby dealt with him the same way he dealt with those other cops. He killed him. You don't need every detail carved into your heart." She said touching his face tenderly.

John closed his eyes to the coolness of her touch. He had waited for this day for so long. The day he would face his father's killer and make him pay. She was right about revenge. If Barnaby hesitated one iota in telling him what happened to his father he was prepared to kill him. He actually looked forward to killing him. "I can't let him get away with it." he said in a hoarse voice choked with bitterness.

She smiled in his face "Then help me save Cletus. He knows enough to put Barnaby's ass in jail for a long time. Why would he beat and keep him locked up here if he wasn't afraid of him or desperate for something that he has. Either way we got that monster and we can make him pay through the same system he has abused and corrupted for years."

John looked over at Cletus who could be dying and saw the logic in what she was saying. Though his heart still screamed for vengeance she was the calm in his raging storm. Once again she saved him with a touch and a word of love. It's all it ever took with them. "I'll go try the radio out in the squad car." He said walking away.

She reached for him "Hey…"  
Looking back at her he saw the concern on her face. "Yeah…."  
"We will get justice for them both. Charlotte and your father deserve it. Let's just do it together."

He nodded then grabbed his jacket braving the storm outside of the door. Evangeline ran her hands over her pants then looked back at the room Barnaby was locked up in. Going to it she turned the knob peaking inside she saw him stretched out on the bed wiggling.

John had tied his legs together with a sheet and with his hands cuffed behind him he found it impossible to move. He saw her at the door and stared at her. She walked through going to the foot of the bed. "I saved your life you asshole and part of me wishes I didn't."  
"What?" he asked confused  
"You killed them both. My best friend and his father, you killed them as sure as if you took a gun and pulled the trigger"

"I don't know what you are talking about" he said turning his head dismissively.  
"Why did you do it? For money? All of these years killing cops for money?" she asked disgusted.

"Money makes the world go round sweets. I'm no different than any other powerful man"

Evangeline laughed "You really have an inflated view of yourself. You are no different than those thieves and killers you lock up. Well maybe you are a little different, most of them no what they are…..you hide behind what you think you are."

"Get out!" he snapped  
"I want to get something straight with you first. That man in there is the most precious thing to me in this world and I won't let your evil spill into him. But make no mistake you aren't getting off easy. We'll do this buy the book so that you can be dragged through the same court system that you made a mockery of. I want to show the world what your type of corruption has done to the legal system in Chicago. It was my friend's only wish and I think her death will serve as a purpose for granting that wish."

Barnaby laughed "I wouldn't be so cocky. What about your lover…."  
Evangeline frowned "What about him."   
"Dig in my past you dig in dear old daddy's past." He chuckled  
"Shut up! His dad was a hero…"

Barnaby laughed so hard his body bounced on top of the bed. Evangeline looked at him confused and his laughter grated her nerves. "What are you talking about Barnaby…."

"His dad was a fucking coward. We started the brotherhood the both of us. Ryan O'Reilly worked for us and his hoodlum buddies hit all of the banks on the eastern shore FOR US. Then Tommy got a case of a conscious, start saying he wanted out. Actually thought that we could just let him walk away, when he found that he couldn't then he had the balls to try to turn us in. Well I couldn't let that happen."

Evangeline stepped back shocked "That's a lie"

"No it's not……shortly after Tommy was dead Ryan got pinched and that's when the freak black mailed me. He held onto the spoils of our labor and secured them somewhere safe until I got him release. It took me seven fucking years to get him out. And then my money was fucking gone. He let his bitch of a mother squander it all away. All my dam money!" Barnaby hissed.

"So you decided to start the brotherhood up again, put Ryan back on the payroll?" Evangeline asked as the truth sunk in.

"I had Ryan over the past 20 years do jobs for me working off the debt he owed but nothing paid out like the Irishman Clan. So yes sweet peach we decided to start up the brotherhood and Chicago PD was teaming with underpaid cops thirsty for a hit."

Evangeline looked at him disgusted. "You're a pig" 

"Sticks and stones Ms. Williamson….sticks and stones. I will tell you this. If your lover finds out that dear old daddy was the cofounder of all of this it will kill him. I know his history and he couldn't handle the truth. So I think me and you should talk about what my silence is going to cost you" he said laughing

Evangeline shook her head "This makes no sense, John's father wouldn't do this. "  
"What the hell do you know of Thomas McBain? John's nine year old memories of his hero cop daddy?" Barnaby said laughing.

"Why is Cletus involved in this?"

Ryan took a shine to that thug your partner was so fond of. Actually gave that kid the key to my fucking money! He was trying to screw me over….."

"You're sick" She said in disgust  
"Maybe, but I'm also beyond your reach. I have friends in very high places. I won't see the inside of a jail cell, especially with you working to keep me free." 

"That's where you wrong. I'll never help you!"  
"You will, you just don't know it yet…….there's no way you'll crush that man you keep drooling over with the truth. I see it all over your face!"

"Shut up! I won't let you get away with this. You have no idea how resourceful I am, I'll prove these are all lies and then I will work my ass off to make sure you rot in that hell you created."

John walked in to hear the last part of the conversation and frowned. "What's going on?"   
Evangeline jumped and Barnaby sneered trying to rise in the bed. "Yes Ms. Williamson tell him what's going on."

"Nothing….just him taunting me….its nothing" she said her heart pounding in her chest. She couldn't tell him now in front of Barnaby, his dad's was everything to him and he was already an emotional wreck with dealing with his killer.

"The storm has us trapped in. They are dispatching crews here as soon as it clears" he said looking past her at Barnaby.

Evangeline put her hand on his chest. "Let's go baby"  
"What did he say?" John asked clenching his fist. Barnaby glared at John smirking and Evangeline couldn't think of any way immediately to get them out of this. "Please John lets just go talk outside of here."

John calmed from her touch and relented. "Fine…" he said softly turning to leave; Evangeline looked back over her shoulder at him. Barnaby grinned and winked at her "We'll talk again real soon" he said laughing after her as she closed the door.

John was staring at her when she came out of the room and she tried to appear normal. "What did he say to you……did he say why he killed my dad?"

"He didn't make any sense John, just ramblings about how he has power and he won't go to jail" she said dismissively.

"Are you keeping something from me Evangeline?"


	15. Chapter 15

**The Burden of Love: The Painful Truth **

by tarskeewee08

"John…" Evangeline said softly turning to face him. She knew what secrets had done to them in the past. She wasn't prepared to loose him over another one, especially one that could very well be a lie. She wouldn't risk it.

"I asked you a question. Are you hiding something from me?" he repeated looking directly in her eyes.

She saw his brow turn into a frown as his face darkened with anxiety. He'd carried his fathers death with him for years. He believed his dad to be a fallen hero, who was she to tell him different. God how could she tell him different? Besides what if it was all a lie? Of course it was all a lie….there's no way Barnaby should be trusted.

"Baby…he said some things about your father. Ugly things" she said softly  
"What kind of ugly things?" he asked in a low voice. Evangeline ran her hands through her hair nervously. She walked toward him and touched his face tenderly. "Its probably lies John, the man can't be trusted."

John grabbed her hand stopping her from stroking him. "Don't do that…"   
Evangeline frowned "What?"  
"Don't down play it or sugar coat it for me. Tell me what he said verbatim, please"

She nodded and lowered her hand. Sucking in her breath she blew it out nervously and looked into his sad blue eyes when she spoke an ugly truth. She told him of Barnaby's claims and how ridiculous they were. John listened intently and she could see the pain and sorrow all through his face. He seemed as if he would fall to pieces in front of her eyes. Watching him she waited for an explosion or something but he just remained frozen.

"Did he say he had proof?" John croaked out  
"Yes…"  
He looked toward the door. "He's not lying"  
"John the man's a consummate liar, you know he has ulterior motives." She said reaching from him. John side stepped her grasp and turned his back to her. "My father was a good man…."  
"Of course he was. He died to protect you and his principles you know this"

Turning he glared at her "He died when I was nine Van, I don't know who or what he was!"

Evangeline shook her head "Your father loved you and his family. Now matter what happened you know this. Please baby listen to me…."

"I want to know what happened. I want to know who my father was" he said heading toward the door. Evangeline grabbed his arm but John shook her off throwing the door open.

"John stop this….please…."  
Barnaby saw John glaring at him and knew instantly that she told him. He sucked his teeth. "You're a stupid woman!" he hissed angry that his leverage was gone.

"John no….stop this" she said pleadingly seeing the murderous rage on his face.  
"What's this thing between you and my father!" he growled at Barnaby  
Barnaby lay back on the pillows smirking "That's for me to know and for you to find out…"

John stormed over to the bed pulling his gun then using his thumb to release the safety aiming it at Barnaby. "I'll ask you one more time…"

Evangeline saw that his pain had him in an uncontrollable state of grief. She reacted just as quickly stepping between him and Barnaby causing the gun to be leveled at her chest. John looked at her confused "Move..."

"Stop this! You're not him. I won't loose you again"  
"MOVE!" he shouted in her face, his eyes welling with tears.

"NO! not until you give me that gun. I won't let you kill him. It won't make a difference John and you won't be able to live with this."

John smiled angrily "Oh I can live with it."  
"Then I can't! I can't live with seeing you kill a man! What about that!" she shouted at him.

Frowning as her words delivered the desired affect his face softened. A long moment passed between them and his hand shook from the decision he was to make, deciding on love he lowered the gun slowly.

Evangeline saw his love for her pulling him back from the edge and her heart bled for the pain he must be experiencing. "Listen to me baby, whatever it is no matter how bad it is we have each other. I thought my guilt and grief over Charlotte's death would destroy me but you saved me. Your love saved me. Now it's my turn, give me the gun." she said lovingly extending her hand to him.

John looked at the gun in his hand then at her. He was so angry and so hurt by the turn of the events he still wanted revenge. He wanted it so bad he shook with it. But more than that he wanted her love and respect, she was the most important thing in his life. He couldn't loose her over this. Handing her the gun he saw her nod encouragingly. Placing it in her hand he let his fingers glide off of it as he let go of it. She came to him wrapping her arms around his neck kissing his face while crying softly "Oh god…baby it will be okay…I swear it!" she said holding the gun firmly in her hand as she clung to him. 

Barnaby laughed "I see you are a cowardly shit like your pops. You know this is the same thing that happened to him!" 

Evangeline and John looked at him on the bed disgusted. "Shut up!" Evangeline hissed with the gun still in her hand.

"Eve found out about our Irishman Clan and forced your dad to choose. All of sudden he had an attack of conscious"

"My mother knew?" John asked shocked  
"Yes, more secrets and lies, bet she told you that dear old daddy was a hero!" Barnaby said laughing cruelly.

Evangeline let go of John and walked over to the edge of the bed. "You actually think that you've won something. It makes you more than pathetic. In fact it makes you sad. When your wife and kids find out that you murdered your best friend and countless others how will you feel then?"

Barnaby's grin slowly faded from his face "Don't speak of my family"

Evangeline grinned at him. "I won't only speak of them, I will speak to them, before you get a chance to tell any side of your story I'm going to give them a play by play of what your selfish greed has cost us all!"

"You bitch!" he hissed.

Evangeline turned and looked back over her shoulder to John but saw she was in the room alone. Frowning she went to the door.

"This isn't over! Not by a long shot!" Barnaby called after her.

Ignoring him she walked out of the room to see him putting on his coat. "Where are you going?" she asked softly

"To get some air, if I stay in here I'll kill him"  
"John….its a blizzard outside"  
"I'm colder in here" he snipped walking out of the door.

Evangeline held he gun watching him go. She wished the damn storm would let up so she could get them out of here. Hearing Cletus moan she turned and looked at him. He was coming too. Walking over to the sofa she sat down on the coffee table across from him lowering the gun "Cletus…."

Turning his head slightly he looked at her through his swollen shut eyes. "Ms. Williamson.." he said softly in a voice racked with pain.

Trying to rise up he gasped at the pain. "No…don't move Cletus" she said putting her hand gently on his chest.

"We have to get out of here…" Cletus moaned  
"You're safe"  
"No….you don't under…stand…we have…to…"  
"I do, I know all about it. Barnaby can't hurt you"

Cletus looked at her surprised "You know that he was involved?"  
Evangeline nodded sadly "Why didn't you tell me Cletus?"  
"I couldn't…..he'd already killed Ms. Pryce, I couldn't let you be hurt too" 

Evangeline smiled and touched his face "Why did you call me then…you said it was urgent that we speak."

Cletus moaned through the pain in his chest and back from the beating he took, wincing as tears rolled down his face he tried to shift to a better position. Evangeline helped him get more comfortable concerned that he may have hidden injuries. He grabbed her hand and looked into her face "When O'Reilly was arrested I went to his place to get the things he told me to get if he ever got pinched. Ms. Williamson, there's money and a lot of other stuff, stuff that will put a lot of people behind bars."

Evangeline looked back at the closed door. She understood why Barnaby was so desperate, why he wanted Cletus kept alive.

Looking back at Cletus it dawned on her that part of this evidence could be this so called proof on John's father. Either way she would need to get to it. Cletus told her where he hid the things including the key to the large lock box that held all of the money. Before she could discuss it further John came barreling inside with officers in tow. They converged on both rooms holding the men as the paramedics came for Cletus.

Rising she stepped back to give them room to work on him. Cletus looked up at her and smiled gratefully and she smiled back.

From across the room her man stood leaning against the wall still in shock and pain. She sighed sadly walking over to him. He didn't notice her approach and barely hugged her back when she wrapped her arms around his waist and placed her head on his chest. "I love you..." 

John hugged her back and kissed the top of her head "I love you too" he said sadly.  
They remained in each other arms as Barnaby and Matt were dragged out. The paramedics lifted Cletus to the stretcher and took him out into the storm. They actually were able to land a medical helicopter to lift him out of the storm. 

"Lt." the responding officer approaching them said.  
John looked at him exhausted "Yes…"  
"We need to talk about everything that happened. You up to it?"

He nodded and Evangeline let him go as they walked over to the dining room table to discuss Barnaby and what they found. She thought about Cletus and what he told her of the evidence O'Reilly kept to use against Barnaby. She would tell John separately. If there was some information on his father she would let him review it first before it all became public.

Walking into her apartment the events of the day had them both exhausted. They barely spoke on the drive back in the squad car. They had to leave theirs behind because of the blizzard. The drive home was a treacherous one and she spent most of it asleep in his arms in the back of the squad car. 

Evangeline watched him peal off his jacket and head toward her room. Locking the door she followed him silently. Right now he needed comforting and that's all she would focus on. In her place and in her arms he could force out the pain and disappointment he would need to face in the upcoming days.

Watching him undress from the door way she smiled sadly "Are you hungry?"  
"No…" he said softly climbing under the covers. He looked back at her and extended his hand for her. Evangeline took off her coat and clothes quickly joining him under the thick blankets. "I love you" she said sliding her arm across his chest.

John held her tightly enjoying the warmth of her body next to his. Sighing he relaxed and closed his eyes. His mom knew all these years and never told him the truth. She actually remained friends with Barnaby? How was that even possible? Forcing it from his mind he swallowed his disappointments and focused on his one true accomplishment. His love for Evangeline. Feeling her kiss the inside of his neck he sighed and rubbed her bare back. She was all he needed.

John woke to the familiar smell of her fixing his breakfast. Rolling over he looked at the clock on her dresser and saw it was barely after seven. He fell back over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Why was this happening? How could his dad have been anything other than the great man he remembered…

_  
The paramedics wheeled Thomas McBain through the swinging doors as John barely nine years old ran after them crying. His dad looked up and extended his hand to him his chest riddled with bullets still and his face turning pale from exhaustion._

"Johnny….see after your momma and brother….I need you to be strong…" Thomas whimpered.

"Dad…no, please don't die!" John screamed. The paramedics had allowed him to ride in the ambulance with them, and regretted stating in front of him how grave the situation was.

"Son, please step back" One of the paramedics said trying to keep John at bay as he pushed the gurney. The doctors raced out into the corridor immediately checking for vitals. John screamed that he couldn't die and an orderly scooped him up from the ground bringing him back. Thomas looked at his son for the last time and smiled weakly "It'll be okay son….it'll be okay"  


John closed his eyes to that memory, forcing it away. That memory and the one of him running out the front door to see his father lying in the driveway bleeding to death haunted him always. To know that it was some retribution for some nefarious deeds his father enacted made him sick to his stomach.

"Morning sleepy head" Evangeline said coming into the room carrying a tray of food. John looked up at her in the pink robe he loved to see her in because of the way it clung to her curves. Her hair was somewhat disheveled from a nights sleep and she wore no makeup. It didn't matter though, she was still unbelievably beautiful to him.

"Morning…" he said softly sitting up. Evangeline placed the tray on his lap and looked into his face. "I fixed your favorite; I want you to eat up. There are some things we need to talk about."

John picked up the coffee and sipped it. Looking over the rim of the mug at her sitting on the bed staring at him seriously he frowned. "What things?" 

"Eat first" she said scooping up the eggs and feeding them to him. John ate the food and smiled at her chewing. It had been ages since she fed him in bed. It was another thing on his list of favorite things with her.

Evangeline saw his willingness to comply and it made her feel better. She wanted him at his best today if they were to go and bury the remainder of his demons. John finished eating watching her get her things ready for the day. She headed to the bathroom to shower as he finished and he moved the tray from his lap falling back into the pillows. She came out to find him with his back to her and the covers pulled up.

This type of sleep was a form of depression and she was determined not to let him slip into it. "I need you to get up and get dressed baby, there's some place we need to be."

John didn't bother to turn over or look at her. He closed his eyes remaining rooted to the spot. "We can deal with Barnaby later. I just don't want to go out there today."

Evangeline walked around the bed and sat on the other side of him. "Cletus told me why Barnaby was so desperate to get to him and keep him alive."

Opening his eyes he looked at her saying nothing. Evangeline moved his hair from his face and then rubbed his shoulder affectionately. "Ryan O'Reilly kept records of their dealings, things to explain the origin and root of the Irishman Clan. Cletus told me where to find these things and I think we should go over them before turning them over to the police."

"Why?" John asked emotionless

Evangeline stared into his sad blue eyes. "Because he's your father, and before the world stands in judgment of him, you need to make your peace with him. It's the only way you will be totally free and I'm so tired of us living with the burdens of our love. I need you to come back to me baby, strong and confident. The man that held me up when my world fell apart. I need you to be that for yourself. I want my life with you dammit and I'm too close to give up hope now!" 

She watched to see if her words had any affect. He cut his eyes and stared blankly in front of him for what Evangeline felt was an eternity. "John….you can do this. You have to do this…for you and us."

"I guess you're right" he said weakly "I just don't know if I can take much more of this Van."

Evangeline nodded "I know that feeling and the answer is yes. Yes you can take more of this because this is life. We have to accept the good and the bad. We have to love each other in spite of it. Please baby get up" she said pulling his hand from under the covers.

John rose letting of his anger and disappointment. It was time to deal with it all, this time he had her at his side and that was enough for now. Soon he would be called upon to stand on his own two feet, something he found extremely difficult to do when it came to his own pain. Sighing he drew on her strength, he needed her more now than ever.


	16. Chapter 16

**The Burden of Love: The last of the Demons**

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline looked at the abandoned house wondering why Cletus chose this as his hide away. "The place looks dangerous"

The house had a raised porch with large windows on either side of the door. The painting was deteriorating and chipping around all sides. The snow coupled with the grey sky made the place look depressingly dreary. 

"This is where he said it was?" John said turning off the car frowning.

The neighborhood was littered with strays and junkies. The house itself had several hoodlums hanging around the porch drinking beers and laughing at some heard joke they shared. It was obvious that it was some type of crack house. They stared at the group of young men with the car idling.

"They aren't going to let us stroll inside John. They think we're cops." she said watching as the larger of the three wearing a Sean John brown bubble jacket and low hanging jeans that appeared to be buckled at the waist. He stepped off the porch pulling them up and heading toward their car.

The skull hat under his Chicago Bears cap was pulled low to his face. John slipped his hand to his gun as they watched him approach. He came over to Evangeline's window and tapped on it.

"Should I roll it down?" she asked through her teeth.  
"Go ahead" John said keeping his eye on the guy. 

Evangeline rolled it down halfway staring up into the low lid eyes of the man not expecting him to respond favorably to their sitting outside of his little drug trap.

"What up yo….yawl shopping or are just 5-0 trying to wreck a brothers day?" the thug asked grinning at them.

John leaned over "What's it to you?"  
"Nothing man, just thought you were Cletus peeps that's all."

Evangeline looked at him surprised "You know Cletus?"  
The thug looked at her and smiled seductively. "He said you were fine but damn…."  
John opened his car door and stepped out. "Look bro…step back from the car." He said now aggravated with the games.

The guy stepped back and the two others on the porch stepped down both with their hands in their pockets. Evangeline braced herself and stepped out the car. She could tell John wasn't too happy about that, but lately her man wasn't happy at all.

"What did Cletus tell you about us?" she asked trying to diffuse the situation.  
The guy looked at her "He said you would be coming for the stuff he stashed in the basement. He told us to make sure you got what you needed if you showed up here without him." He said eyeing John up and down. "You're 5-0….I can smell it on you!"

Evangeline grabbed the guys arm as John stepped to him threateningly. "Listen to me, we just want to help Cletus, please take us to his things."

The young man cut his eyes at John then looked back at Evangeline, scoping her up and down grinning lustfully "Yeah sweet thang, I'll show you" he said turning and going back across the street.

She looked over at John who still had his eyes narrowed on the young guy. "Come on baby let's go" she said extending her hand to him. John accepted her hand and walked with her across the street his gun hidden under his jacket.

Going up the steps to the abandoned house the thugs parted to let them through all of them checking John out from head to toe. Apparently most of them were familiar with the other side of the law and had an allergic reaction to anyone connected with it.

The house was dark and smelled of piss with a pungent trace of methanol and burning plastic. John knew the smells of crack dens but Evangeline gagged and covered her mouth with her gloved hand, holding his with her other. The young guy glanced over his shoulder laughing. "Takes some getting used too….doesn't it cop?" he said walking toward the back of the house

John pulled her close as they walked past people crouched in corners and propped against the wall smoking poison through glass pipes. Some of them with needles hanging out of their arms were drooling and staring blankly into space. "This is hell" Evangeline said sadly stepping over people. John nodded following the drug dealer down the steps into the basement.

They stepped inside to see a large 4 foot tall safe with a combination lock. Evangeline let go of his hand and went to the boxes stacked on the side of it. They were up on the table and she was sure it was the evidence they needed to see.

John looked over to the thug that was watching him smugly twirling a toothpick in his mouth. "Did you go into the safe?"  
The guy laughed "Cletus gave us all fifty g's a piece not too…."   
John shook his head. "Get your peeps out of here, clear the place. Before the day is over the cops will be all over here"

The guy's smile faded. "What? Now wait a damn minute….that wasn't the deal. Cletus said you two were cool."

John stepped to him. "You got your money and I just gave you a get out of jail free card. Don't push it partner"

Evangeline pulled out the folder with John's dad's name on it and looked over at him. "John….you need to see this"

He looked over at her and his chest tightened. Turning back to the thug he frowned "What's it going to be?"

The guy threw his hands up "Hey fuck this…..Cletus my folk but I don't need this shit. Don't think I'm giving up my stash either!" he hissed running back up the steps.

John shook his head and walked over to Evangeline. She looked at him and passed him the folder which he accepted hesitantly. "So this is it?" he asked softly

Nodding she watched his face as he pulled out the files. The papers were detailed lists of police patrolling of local banks in the Atlantic City area. The schedules showed which days certain officers were assigned to certain beats and who the direct reports were. Jacob had a team and so did John's father. Flipping through he saw the instructions written by O'Reilly on where to hit the bank and where to meet Jacob or Thomas on certain days to dissect the spoils of their labors.

According to everything O'Reilly was to keep the bulk of the money and equipment until the missions were completed. John's father's involvement was all through the documentation and there was no way to implicate Jacob without exposing him.

Evangeline paced as John read document after document. She didn't' want to interrupt or ask questions but it was killing her. Going back over to the box she saw the documents of news clippings from different petty crimes in the Chicago area over the past ten years. She also saw the log of 'principles' which was supposed to be the Irishman Clan's bible. "Now this looks interesting" she mumbled

John looked up from his reading "What is?"  
"This…" she said handing it to him.

Taking the book he thumbed through it. Everything dictated in it was the principles of the brotherhood. Rob from the rich to give to the poor. The first robberies were showing money that was to be funneled back into the community. Neighborhood watch, boys and girls club, unwed mothers program at the community center."

"When did it become about money for their pockets if it started as money for the others…." Evangeline asked confused.

John kept paging through the notebook. "Stealing is stealing" he said dryly.  
"Yes baby it is, but I never for one moment believed that your father would join Barnaby just for an easy quick buck"

John slammed the book and glared at her "We don't know what the hell he'd do! We don't know who the hell he is!"

"That's not true, you know who he is. You know ….."  
"I don't know shit!" he shouted tossing the book across the room. "None of this makes sense!" he screamed pushing over the boxes causing the contents to spill out across the floor.

John griped by his rage now went to the table and flipped it over. Evangeline backed away shocked as he picked up a long pipe and started breaking things on the shelves that lined the walls. Turning her face and putting up her hand she shielded her self from the flying debris. He continued to swing wildly crying and cursing his dad for failing him.

Evangeline pressed herself against the wall watching him attack the steel safe with the pipe beating dents into it before breaking the pipe in half against it. 

Finally unable to destroy another thing his head dropped as his cries grew louder and his body shook from the pain of it. "Baby…." She said cautiously. Seeing him drop the pipe and put his hands to his face as he slowly went to his knees broke her heart. She went to the floor on the side of him and sat down. "Baby…" she said gently touching his hair.

He reached for her and pulled her to him as he rested his head on her chest. Remaining on the ground they held each other and John released the last of his pain within her arms. "I'm so sorry sweetie, I'm so very sorry."

He said nothing and Evangeline felt his tears would destroy what's left of her strength, seeing her man in this much pain was killing her. She had to be strong for him but his strength is what she relied on. Selfish as it may be she wanted him back whole and this shit all around them wasn't either of their fault. They shouldn't be saddled with the burden of trying to resolve it. It wasn't fair.

His tears began to stop as he breathing steadied. She lifted his head and kissed his lips gently. "Are you okay?"  
"I didn't mean to scare you"  
"If this frees you in anyway then its worth it"  
"It does…."  
"John listen to me, this can't be allowed to define your relationship with your father. No matter how monstrous the truth is in the end it had nothing to do with your relationship…."

Pulling out of her arms he looked at her sadly "It does, I based my whole life after immolating my father, finishing what I thought his dream was, helping and defending people. To know that it was all a lie makes my life a lie as well"

Evangeline shook her head "You're wrong…." She said crawling over to the book and bringing it back. "The truth is here in these pages. Your dad wanted to help people. Protecting a community pulverized by poverty had to weigh heavily on him. This book talks about heroism misguided as it is, he wanted to help his people."

"Are you trying to condone this? Look at this!" John snapped grabbing clippings. "These weren't innocent bank robberies people were killed!"

Evangeline took the clippings from his hands and tossed them aside. Grabbing his face she forced him to stare into hers. "I know that there was bad things that he did, but I want you to know that the good you saw in him was real also."

John looked around at the destruction he caused sighing. There was no way to protect his father's memory he was as guilty as Jacob besides why should he. If he did these things then it should be uncovered. He wouldn't pretend and cling to a childhood fantasy anymore.

"Call the cops…let them sort through it" he said rising from the floor. Evangeline watched him kick through debris heading for the stairs. "John are you sure, we haven't gone through it all there are tapes here too." She said picking up the tapes that fell out of the box and lay next to her.

Stopping he looked over his shoulder at her "I'm sure…let's go."  
Rising from the floor she dusted herself off. Retrieving her cell phone from her purse she called in their location and explained what was discovered. She didn't know if he was coming around or not. But it was time to leave this hell hole and finish his recovering from this pain somewhere safe where she could reach him.

After dealing with the cops, Evangeline waited in the car as John instructed them on moving the safe from the house. The junkies left were carted off to jail and the entire neighborhood was out watching all the commotion.

Finally John got in and silently drove them from the curb to her place. She kept glancing over at him wondering what was going through his head. But decided to let him digest all he's learned.

Arriving at her place she walked inside and glanced over to see him go to her sofa plopping down. "You hungry?"  
"No…come sit with me, we need to talk"  
Evangeline walked over and sat next to him. He placed his hand on her knee and squeezed it affectionately "I want to thank you baby"  
She looked at him "For what? Loving you?"   
"Among other things. Something you said finally got through."

Placing her hand over his she squeezed it "What was that?"  
He looked over into her face "You said that none of this changes the good I knew in my father. You were right baby, he was a man flawed and all, but he was also a father good and loving. I won't loose sight of that and I won't deny it either."

"John…"  
"Let me finish Van" he said softly "I'm happy that you are at my side. I'm at peace with all of this, because the illusion is gone Van, I know who he was and I love him still"

She nodded "And your mother?"  
"My mother may or may not have known all of it. But what she did for her boys was preserve the hero in their father. I would never punish her for that."

"Yes John but it will be all over the news soon, you have to warn her."  
"You're right, I'll go call her" he said about to rise.  
Reaching she pushed him back and moved into his lap "I'm so proud of you…" she said relieved.

He looked into her face and smiled weakly "Maybe later you can show me just how proud. I need to be in your arms again" he said in a hoarse whisper before kissing her.

Evangeline kissed him back and held onto him enjoying the comfort of his arms around her and the last of their demons exorcized from them for good.


	17. Chapter 17

**The Burden of Love: Worth fighting for**

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline turned over smiling. After John spoke to his mother his dark mood lightened some. He was relieved that although she knew his father was involved with shady practices she had no idea that Jacob Barnaby was the coconspirator. She told John of how she found stashes of cash and freaked out. How his father tried to explain and she threatened to leave him and take the boys. He begged her forgiveness and set to correct the wrongs he did. She never knew what he faced and he was dead weeks later. John explained it all to her filling in the missing pieces comforting her on the phone and promising to visit soon.

Evangeline didn't know what provoked what unfolded next but didn't shy away from it. He came to her needier than she had ever seen him. Taking her on the couch and then moving to her room, he ravaged her body making her weak from his lustful pursuit of her. She allowed him to make love to her over and over again, climaxing under his passionate assault, then collapsing form the sheer exhaustion of it all.

Finally when spent they fell asleep in each others arms whispering of their love for one another. Opening her eyes she saw him next to her staring up at the ceiling. The lamp next to the bed was on and she could see his face clearly. His blue eyes shimmered as the remnants of tears glistened from them. Pulling herself up she looked at him for a moment before speaking. "John"

He then noticed she was awake and smiled at her. "Sorry couldn't sleep" he said pulling her into his arms.

"Your dad?" she asked snuggling his chest  
"No, not really….just us and everything we've been through." He said softly and she could hear his deep voice crack with emotion.

"I don't understand….we're fine"  
"I came so close to loosing you….to close. If it wasn't for…"  
"Don't John please…why dwell on all of that?"  
"I can't help it Van, you mean everything to me. I can't bare the thought of being without you"

"Well, good baby…you mean the world to me as well. I love you so very much and for so long I still can't believe that I treated you…"

"All roads lead here baby, that's our lesson. Every moment of pain we both suffered. Every loss we experienced and every disappointment we heaped on each other led us to this moment here. To go back and alter it any way would take us somewhere else. Some place else….would you really want that?"

John thought about what she said. To change the past could change their future. Would he be able to appreciate the precious jewel she was. Would he have the commitment they now share? Maybe they would but he wasn't foolish enough to risk it. The love he had with her now was more than enough.

"I guess you're right." he said softly  
"I'm always right" she said confidently.  
"Really?" he laughed tickling her. Evangeline laughed and wiggled from his grip as he began his tickle fest. 

"Okay..okay…I give!" she giggled  
John held her tightly "So who's always right?"

"You are…"she said laughing still.  
"Good girl" he said releasing her. She moved over and cut her eyes. "We both know who the queen in here…is!"  
"That's right baby and we know who the king is!" he said chuckling.

"Whatever!" she said getting out of bed. He watched her sashay nude to the bathroom. As the door closed he smiled looking back up at the ceiling. She was right there was no need to dwell on the past as long as he learned from it. Now was a time to discuss their future.

Evangeline came out of the bathroom and raced back to the bed jumping on it grinning her black hair hung loosely in her face. John smiled and pulled her back to him kissing her again.

"There are some things we need to discuss" he said as she rolled from his arms and climbed back under the covers with him.

"What things?" she asked happily snuggling him closely again.  
"Our future…"  
Evangeline opened her eyes listening to his heart beat. "I love talking about the future with you…"

"Marriage…..I want to talk about marriage" he said rubbing her back.  
Evangeline sighed, "John…"  
"I want you to be my wife Van, after all we've been through I know you want the same thing."

"It's not that I don't love you. Its not that I don't want to be with you because I do and I will but…"

"Evangeline, I need you to be my wife. I need the whole world to know of my commitment to you. We've spent too much time separated from each other. We deserve a life filled with happiness and babies. Everything our love can bring."

Evangeline looked away dreading this conversation and searching for the words to explain her heart. "I can't baby….I just can't."  
"Why Van?"  
"It's complicated and painful…I just can't give you a solid one sentence reason. I don't believe in it and I don't want it for us." she said sadly.

"I love you I really do Evangeline, but that's not going to work. I need more and so do you whether you believe it or not. I'm willing to go as slow as necessary as long as the end road leads to you being my wife"

"Why dammit! Why do you insist on this? What we have is greater than marriage!"  
John looked up at her hovering over him her face contorted with anger "If our love is greater than marriage, your marrying me won't destroy it." 

"Marriage changes people!"  
"Not us…"  
"Its makes you loose sight of what's important!"  
"Won't happen to us…"  
"You don't know that!"  
"I do….because I know you….I know me!"  
"Well I won't risk loosing you when you wake up one day feeling trapped or suffocated by our union! I won't let you loose sight of us…"  
"That won't happen….and if its part of our destiny then it could happen with or without marriage….don't you see that?"

"John please…"  
"This is it Evangeline…it's our final quest. After this baby its smooth sailing. Open yourself to it all. We don't have to do it tomorrow….I haven't officially proposed yet. I need you to think on this and consider my feelings as well as yours." he said running his hand over her thigh.

Evangeline fought back her own tears of regret and distrust. His words made perfect sense and she knew her fears were unfounded. She was basing them on countless divorce cases she'd worked and years of watching the emptiness in her parent's marriage. She didn't want to loose him and the idea of him one day looking at her the way her father looked at her mother terrified her.

"Fine John…I'll think about it" she said weakly looking away.  
"Thank you baby" he said pulling her down to him.  
"Why do things have to be so hard…" she said letting him hold her.  
"Things that are worth having are always harder to obtain." He said smiling.

Evangeline nodded listening again to his heart beat. "I do love you…"  
"I know sweetie, it's your love for me that will help you see that being my wife isn't the kiss of death. It's just another chapter in our love story"

She smiled "I like the way that sounds….our love story!"  
"Me too.."


	18. Chapter 18

**The Burden of Love: Epilogue **

by tarskeewee08

One year later

"John…" she said walking into their home reading the mail. He hadn't gotten it from the mailbox as usual. Shaking off the snow that still clung to her she worked her coat off her shoulders.

John came out of the back dragging their luggage "I thought you said you'd be here an hour ago!" he said dropping the bags then turning to go and retrieve the others. 

Evangeline looked at his backside as he walked away and smiled "Our plane doesn't leave for another three hours, would you calm down?"

John peaked around the corner at her amused "It took me a year to get to this day, I won't let anything stop us now!" he said disappearing to get the rest of their things.

Evangeline shook her head smiling placing the mail on the table near the door and walking over to her bags. He'd packed her clothes and everything. She walked around them going to their bedroom. The house they now owned was large enough for the both of them, but definitely small for the family they were about to start. She found out two weeks ago she was pregnant and that was it. He put his foot down and demanded they elope immediately. She gave him no further resistance and he was so confused by her compliance he had to ask her twice if she was sure.

Agreeing that they'd go to Atlantic City to do it with his mom present made his day. She called her mom and uncle clay to invite them and they both swore to try to make it but Van wasn't holding her breath for it.

Layla agreed to drive down with Mike and Marcie and that was more than enough. She wanted her man happy and the more she saw the constant grin on his face since she told him of his pending fatherhood, the more she knew marrying him was the right thing to do.

Now it was time to go and you would think he was the bride by the way he behaved. She watched him run from the closet to the bed with clothes shaking her head.

Raising her hand to her face she smiled as the princess cut solitaire diamond caught the light. She had to admit it was one of the perks she loved about marrying the man of her dreams.

"Cletus called to wish us luck" he said trying to force the suitcase closed  
"Cletus? You told him?" she asked shocked  
John looked up at her "Of course I told him, I wanted him to come but that program you got him in for his GED won't allow him to get out of class."

Evangeline smiled walking over to the bed "This isn't an elopement John, it's a full blown wedding sweetie" she said pushing him away from the suitcase bulging with clothes. "Why are you packing everything you have for a weeks visit." She asked pulling out the unnecessary shirts and pants.

John watched her exasperated. "I asked you to pack it all and you didn't" he said going to get his bag with his toiletries.

"You have a point..." she mumbled  
"I called a cab and it should be here soon" he said passing her the small bag to add to the suitcase.

"That's fine" she said fixing everything neatly and zipping the suitcase. Turning to look at him she saw he was flushed and sweating. Moving his hair from his face she kissed his lips. "You've been a nervous wreck since I told you I was pregnant. I need you to relax John."

"I know baby…I want too…but I just don't want anything to go wrong"  
"Nothing will go wrong…we have each other remember! This is just a formality"  
He nodded then placed his hand on her stomach "I'm talking about the baby, I couldn't handle it if something happened to you or him."

"Him?"  
John grinned "It's a boy….I'm sure of it"  
"We'll see!" she said chuckling. "Now let's go get married before I flip out and change my mind"

He popped her on the butt lightly as she walked away "Don't you dare."  
Evangeline laughed leaving the room. It was time to start another chapter in their love story and this one was new territory to them both. Neither of them had been parents before and marriage was un-chartered territory for them both.

After Barnaby was brought to trial and convicted, his dad's involvement was exposed and the AC police department went under heavy investigation by the FBI, reopening a lot of cold case files. John took it all in stride but Evangeline saw his pain over the constant barrage of media attention. They found their way through it.

Evangeline was able to open up a nonprofit agency for survivors of violent crimes. She dedicated it to Charlotte's memory offering legal advice to those unable to fend for themselves. They pretty much lived off of John's earnings and some of the money from the grants she had to for the agency. She found a peace in helping others and he encouraged that.

Cletus grandmother died shortly after he was released from the hospital. Marble's heart just couldn't withstand the constant strain placed upon it. Cletus became their primary concern and they both invested much time in helping him find his way. He moved in with them for a while until Evangeline found him a job within her agency and got him into a GED program. He was finding his way and it was an inspirational thing to watch.

"He's here!" John screamed from the other room about the taxi and she laughed at the squeal of his voice. He was definitely acting like a little kid. "Okay baby!" she yelled back out to him. Going to the mirror she checked herself one last time. She didn't look different but she felt different. She felt whole again.

"Van let's go!" he screamed again from the doorway.  
Turning off the light to their room she walked out to follow him outside. "Today definitely was a new chapter in their love story and she was just as excited to see where it all led too. "Coming!" she called after him walking out.


End file.
